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I have been suffering from anxiety for a few months now. It all started when I returned to the UK from Canada in 2012 and have been unable to get a job offer. I will give you a little back story of myself, I have always worked and never knew how much I relied on it until now. My father passed away in Oct 2010 in the day he was due to be released from hospital that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to deal with as I had my mum to support me, but then in January 2011 my mum suddenly died from a bleed in the brain. Whilst I was off work I found out that they where making cuts and I was in danger of losing my job, I was angry and hurt but I stayed strong. I decided to leave before I was pushed and fulfil a dream if mine to move to Canada. This meant leaving my home, family and friends but I was determine. But I was miserable there. I was lonely and felt I was getting no where so I came back after a year and had to move in with my sister as I had no home. That didn't work out (she said some nasty things that I just won't stand for) and moved in with my other sister. I've been here now a year and am miserable, frightened and disappointed in myself. I have had no job offers and am stuck sleeping on a fold up bed. Every morning I wake up with deep sense of dread and regret. I feel sick and feel like I can't breathe. I hate playing the victim as I know I only have myself to blame, if I hadn't of left and fought for my job I would not be in this situation. I am trying to find a job that I am qualified to do but now I am finding that my anxiety levels go way up the minute I switch on the computer to look because I'm afraid that there will be nothing suitable. It has gotten worse over time and someday a I just wish I never had to wake up. I pray for peace all the time and my words have become me practically begging for a break.
I used to be such a strong person and in some ways I still am, I can ham it up in front of people no problem but inside I am screaming. I have been to therapy which helped me find a reason for my anxiety but it did not help to over come it. I know I need to leave my sisters flat and have a place of my own and have a job as I have found out I love to help people but whilst I am working on getting these things how can I over come my need to scream and run away? I'm sure writing helps, I fact just writing this has made me feel better and I can feel that weight lifting and I try and meditate regularly but I know in the morning it will be the same thing again. The thing is I know it will get better, I know I will get a job and buy my own home I am 100% sure about that but my anxiety grows from the question 'when'. If I had a crystal ball that said 'all your prayers will be answered on June 15th' then I'm sure all anxiety would disappear but this is real so I have to rely on patience which is what is killing me right now.
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