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I have had bad depression most of my life and have in the main fought through with medication.
I've been on quite a lot over the years.
I've never had therapy because I can't face it ( I know my causes are genetic/ horrible chikdhood/ no loving parents/physical health issues and financial difficulties). I don't need that pointed out. No amount of talking will make any of that different.
I also am coming to terms with knowing I will never be a mum. I always thought I didn't want children because I was afraid I would be like my mum. Now I'm pretty much past it and not physically or mentally up to it. But I feel I'd love to have a family now and my husband would be a wonderful dad.
This time round after struggling for several years ( just managing to keep my job and staying in bed the rest of the time) things are worse and anxiety and insomnia are adding to it.
After waiting 6 months to get referred to the community mental health clinic, I was basically told I was on a good antidepressant so I should be getting better. Few months down the line I finally couldn't leave the house because I'm sobbing and throwing up and want to die. I'm now jobless for the first time in my life.
I've been so bad that I can't even make phone calls or see the GP a lot of the time- they don't seem to understand- just give me tel no for self referral for counselling etc.
My husband saw my GP to insist on an urgent referra in Februaryl and I have only just got my appointment, to the same place.
I don't have many close friends or family, and as you can imagine they are already doing things for me. My poor husband has a demanding job and is working hard to keep us afloat financially and practically at home.
Finances are terrible ( I only got SSP) now I need to apply for benefits and I can't face the form and there is NO WAY I will go to a job centre or wherever.
I'm too good at putting on a front when I really have to, why don't the professionals see through it?
I'm not on any meds now as nothing was helping and my GP actually said she "didn't know what to do with me". I was hoping a clean slate might be beneficial and I've lost all faith in meds. Even when I've been on a good one, it never lasts permanently and there are contraindications with my other health issues.
My GP is so risk averse ( is everyone afraid of being sued!!??) I don't even get given anything strong for sleep or to help to just get out the house to appointments. I feel its been so cruel to leave me in so much distress for so long.
I'm sorry for the rambling post, but I'm alone all day with all this in my head.
I really want to ask if anyone knows if there is any kind of advocacy service, maybe with one of the charities? I need someone to speak on my behalf and fight for some help because I don't know how much longer I can go on, and my poor husband can't do it all. I can't call people or go to appointments when I physically can't stop crying, shaking and sweating.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated.
Sunny Dee x
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