How do i can change myself to become a new whole person?

A lot of us can relate to the things you mention. None of us WANT to be depressed, it is an illness like any other. Have you talked to your GP about it? That is the first step. As for never achieving anything, I am sure there are many things that you have done either for yourself or others, that you can be proud of. Sometimes we simply expect too much of ourselves. I can easily relate to all the things you mention. I make easy things difficult because I want them to be perfect. This only makes the task harder mentally, so I put it off & put it off. That leads to the feeling of never achieving anything, so I want to do things perfectly to feel good about myself, which makes the task harder......& the cycle keeps repeating itself.

It can be a hard cycle to break & if you need help from your GP, then don't make it harder for yourself by trying to do it on your own. You may not have to take medication, some counseling may be all that is needed, but it's clear to me that you do need some kind of help & encouragement.

thank you very much for your answer i really appreciate it:D

Please don't try to be a 'better' person. This will only lead to misery. It will be better for you if you just try to be yourself! Everybody has failings and everybody has succes. It is human to be fallible. it also makes you more compassionate to others. Don't try to be perfect, it is unachievable for anybody. Try instead to be forgiving and compassionate towards yourself and try to ACCEPT yourself. Then you will be happy

@athol yeah but i dont like myself the way i am now, i can't control what i am saying and i feel worst if i leave myself.

I have lots of bad habits and i hate them i really hate them i want to change.i will change there is nothing i can't do if i set my mind.

I asked the help if it would be something it would help me out to achieve my goal faster.

10yrs ago my wife walked out on me. There was no warning, she just up & left. Now let me say right away, I was absolutely devastated. We had been married for 30yrs at the time & it drained all the life out of me. I had never cheated on her. The thing was, all the signs were there if I took the time to look for them. I was totally selfish, I took her for granted in every way. I hardly ever gave her presents for any occasion, hardly ever took her out. She worked hard & got little off me in return. After a period of shock & I suppose self pity, I realized my mistakes, but it was too late. I decided there & then that I would change my ways. I became calmer & less argumentative. I was never a scruffy person, but I made more of an effort with my appearance. When I spoke to people, I listened to what they had to say instead of butting in to put my 2p worth in, selfishly. 9 months after she left, I met a lady who I spent the next 2yrs or so with, but I still loved my wife. We had kept in touch regularly due to her parents being elderly & in poor health. Eventually we started to spend more time together & she could see I was a changed person & it wasn't just a 1 week wonder. We are now very close again & the future could be promising, but I am taking nothing for granted. The changes I made were not always easy for me, I feel that others like me more because of it, but more importantly, I like me more because of it.

You can do it. You need to do it for yourself, as I told my wife, the changes I have made will still be there, with her or without her, & that was the key. I still have selfish moments because i'm human, but I am far more forgiving of others faults. It can work. Good luck, you have my best wishes.

The Uninvited.

You've just posted pretty much what I've been trying to do for the past couple of years. I make everything difficult for myself. I'm a PA and most of my job could be considered easy but I leave stuff untill it absolutely needs doing. I'm in that situation now. I have a meeting tomorrow that I've arranged but not sent out the minutes from the previous meeting I knew they needed sorting and just pushed the thought to the back of my mind over andover again. Now I'm panicking and dont know what to do about it. The weird thing is, when somone finds out that I've not done something I usually feel really relieved because I suppose alot of the stress comes from worrying what people are going to think. When I find out what they think I feel relieved. This shouldn't happen though as i'm associating a good feeling with doing something wrong.

I'm so mad at myself today because of it and this is the first time i've done something like this in about a year. It almost feels like I do it on purpose, like I'm trying to cause trouble.

I dont think we can ever really change who we are, but maybe the habbits we keep. If you ever learn the answer to how to get out of this cycle then please let me know.

Hi lee

Was really interesting to read your post,you really did see your faults and owned up to them,I really wish you all the very best and hope the future is what you want. Good Luck to you both.

Joan

That's nice of you to say Joan, thank you. I know for a fact that if I had not changed then the lady who I went with would not have given me the time of day. My relationship with her was wonderful & we shared some fantastic times together. It was just that I needed to give my wife the kind of love & affection I should have given her. Not trying to force it or anything, but when we were together just being ME. The strangest part of all this, is that my wife wanted to meet my friend [she was a LOT more than just a friend, you understand] They met, & have actually become very good friends, socializing & even going on holidays together!! My friend helped out at the funeral yesterday, & although we are not now intimate, as she could see I still loved my wife, we are very close as friends. We share a sense of humour & can take the mickey out of each other without giving or taking offense. Thank you again Joan. Take care my friend.

Uninvited. I honestly don't believe there is a simple way out of the cycle we create with our own behaviour. It takes willpower, but more importantly, we need a REALLY good reason to do it. You do at least realise that it IS a problem, now you need to find a good reason to change. Mine was 2 fold. To help get my wife back, but more to feel that I was becoming a person that I would want to know! I could not rely on my wife forgiving me for my past ways & needed to want to like myself.

As for your problem with procrastination, TBH, we ALL have that. Messing up once a year is a pretty good record IMO!! It's the mindset you have that seems to be the problem. I have done that time after time. Not with something like risking my job because of it, but simple things that cause me a lot of stress, like not paying a bill as soon as it comes in, or leaving the washing to pile up & only doing it when I can't close the washing box lid!! getting a regular shower, little things. I feel so much better when I do them, as I then feel as if I have accomplished something & it gives me a lift. You can then get on another cycle of doing it correctly. Cycles work BOTH ways, remember that. PM me if you need to. Take care.

My reason for changing is "I want to be happy more than being a miserable".

After i posted this i started to understand .That changing is not an easy thing to do but what i know is that it worth it.

In order to do something you must sacrifice something in return,If you don't sacrifice things you will suffer ofcourse there is exceptions.

It's like when you are at school and you have a test , if you don't read you will worry about that you will fail but if you read and give it all your got on studying for the test you know that you gave it all and you have nothing to worry because you did what you can to make it right.

In addition i would like to add that i also learned it does not mean because you are doing something you would be the best for it but you can be succesfull on yourself.

Success for me means to be able to control myself and do what i want to do than letting my doubts and my feelings take control of me.

Now about the feelings , i should remember that when there is comes to love i should not hide my feelings because is different when you do something and is different when it comes to love.

That's what i wanted to say , and i want to thank all of you for spending time replying to my post.You are the best:D

It's better to smile and having a positive way than the positive.

What it really confused me was about "why when i want to do something i must feel pain and suffer for what i love to do"

My answer is smiling is difficult and being sad is difficult to what matters is what you want to be , if you want to be happy or miserable.

I must leave my doubts behind in order to succeed and i must believe in myself with confidence i can do in anything i want if i set my mind on it!

You are on the right track by thinking positive, good on you for that. However, we have to set reasonable goals for ourselves. More than most people, those like us with depression, we need to take it at a steady pace or we can end up failing & becoming more depressed as a result. So, reasonable goals. Also, don't expect too much of yourself. Life is all ups & downs. We have to learn to ride the punches & not get too upset by occasional lapses. Bear in mind that happiness is probably the most elusive thing to attain on a regular basis. It's a case of not getting too high & not getting too low.

I am really struggling myself right now. I have had a traumatic week & things seem to be closing in on me. I get no relief from sleep, in fact I usually wake up more tired. I am just waiting for the bad period to pass & trying not to get too upset by it. I will see how it goes.

Take care.

Lee is right. I think part of depression is us thinking that to be happy everything has to be perfect. When something goes wrong we then crash back down to earth becuse it hasn't gone as we wanted.

Lee - hope yo're feeling better today. I know what you mean about things closing in on you. I had a few meetings this week and all I could thi nk about was them coming up and something going wrong in them. They have passed now and went without a hitch. One trick my CBT counsellor told me was to go into everything like it is an experiemnt. Tell yourself what you think will happen during it and tell yourself how it went after. I guess its just a way of proving to ourselves that our thoughts aren't always right but its hard to stay in the habit of thinking about evereything before I do it. I've just started doing all the excersises again because I feel myself slippingand haven't done them in ages. To beat depression we have to be really proactive with ourselves. But the effects of depression make us want to do the complete opposite.I hate it.

QA. Thank's for the good wishes. I hope you get some sense of calm from your exercises.

A friend of mine who is a good golfer, told me of some mind exercises that his instructor showed him. They are the words of a prominent sports phsycologist called Bob Rotella. When thinking about a task we have set ourselves, we always seem to have a negative opinion of our ability to perform it. We go into that task convinced we are going to fail. Sure enough, we fail. So we simply carried out what our own mind said would happen. So our own mind was positive of failure. Our mind dictated the outcome. So we doubted our ability to be successful. Our doubt was never questioned. But what if we "Doubt the Doubt?" We certainly know how to doubt positive thoughts, why don't we try & doubt the negative ones?

This may sound a bit of mumbo jumbo, but the crucial part is, that when we are depressed we never "Doubt our Doubts!" OK it's not for everyone, nothing is, but as a thought, it's worth repeating a few times to ourselves when the doubts come onto us.

My golfer friend said it has started to help him in situations like a long shot over water. He starts now to think about where he WANTS the shot to end up, not where he HOPES it will. The difference in mindset is enormous. It won't help all the time, but we all know the power of positive thinking, which is so difficult when depression strikes.

I'm sorry to go on a bit. It was just something that came to mind.

No, you didn't go on Lee. I think that could be quite helpful. Thanks. I'm always keeping an eye out for different ways to think. I've always kind of done stuff like that anyway and recognize that what we think affects our behaviour. When I went to conselling she was amazed at how i'd taught myself to think or word things so that the impact of negative things was lessened. If that makes sense. I guess the difference with "wants" and "hopes" is that hope leaves the possibility of negativity open. its like doing and trying.

Thanks for the reply.

Tony