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How do you come back?

Hi people, I barely ever write on here, as most days I feel I don't need to.  But today is different.  I need someone with brains that work to tell me how you come back from wanting to jump or think about it, most days like I feel at present.  3 weeks ago I texted a counsellor I was seeing and told him I wanted to jump.  I'd truly had enough.  The problem is that thought is sometimes still there.  I feel I am no use to anyone most days and my life would have been better cut off since birth where I was born defective, and still feel like this.  I feel useless despite putting on a fake smile and faking happiness.  I hate being disabled and being so stupid which I feel I have been all my life.  Every time I see my doctors they offer me anti depressants. (which I definitely don't want, tried that one before)  My life got in to such a state 3 weeks ago because my physical health was so poor I couldn't see another way out.  I cry most days, I hate where I live, feel I'm a failure to my family, society and my marriage (husband) mostly as I haven't given him the child he wants.  My family ignore me for the most part unless they feel there is something they can have from me like looking after their dogs, which I don't have.  I feel like a doormat.  Can anyone on here explain what else I could try that would boost my mood and make me feel 'human' again? (I take lots of multi vitamins).  Every time I see my counsellor now I am looking for places I can jump from just to prove a point.  I don't want to live in pain all the time.  My doctor does know about this!

16 Replies

  • sam18386

    Hello, although not disabled, and have good health, i felt pretty much the same as yourself, when my long term anti depressant stopped working, though hadnt considerred jumping. I just sort of stopped functioning, wouldnt get out of bed, and almost gave up. Ive mostly wasted my life, and probably havent achieved as much as yourself. You say you are married, so presume you love one another, well thats one up on me. I do believe strongly in anti depressants though, and that they are the only sure way of getting you out of the despair and pain you are feeling, if you find the right one. They have been for me, They give you hope, and the ability to enjoy life, even if it feels like not its not much of one. If you havent already done so, try to see a physciatrist, about an anti depressant. You sometimes have to try a few, until you find the right one. There is a huge difference in the ability of a doctor and physc in terms of dealing with mental illness. Youve tried some before, that didnt work, so youve already narrowed down your options, which should improve your chances of finding one that will work for you. I dont think there is much else realistically that could improve your mood.

  • sam18386

    I would definitely see a psychiatrist where they can try you on an anti depressant and the right one will boost your mood and will bring you out of despair. Have faith, things will get better and keep busy and  Hang in there! You won’t feel like this forever! Good luck 👍🏼

    • chase87964

      I can't do antidepressants because the last time I was dumped on them i vowed I wouldn't again! I do see a counsellor as I have PTSD for assault the counsellor is breaking down barriers bit by bit it will take a long time. At least I sought help. I feel really depressed some days but I've told people.

  • sam18386

    Don't jump, life can change very quickly and when you least expect it. 2017 was a horrible year for me-my Mom died of a stroke and then 2 days later my only brother passed away from a brain tumor. Then my wife got sick and was in hospital for 2 weeks. Then I nearly got fired (I am the only bread winner in our family) for making a judgement call that didn't work out. It was one thing after another after another. Finally, an estranged sister-my only living relative-decided to create legal problems for me and sued my in Probate Court over my Mom's estate. This last occurred just as 2018 started.

    After 3 months of ugly legal issues I more or less started feeling delayed grief over my Mom and brother. I had been on Paxil at 20 mg/day for over 25 years-since I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 38 years old. After that long my anti-depression dosage was no longer effective and I fell into a deep depression. I didn't care if I lived or died, I just laid in bed in the mornings and could hardly get up. Finally, my Wife, therapist and Psychiatrist had me admitted to hospital after I confessed i didn't care if I lived or died-this was about 6 weeks ago. 

    I spent a couple of days in hospital while they adjusted my medication then they released me to a really great outpatient program for folks like me-who had essentially suffered a breakdown over Depression/Anxiety symptoms. I spent a week in this outpatient class with fellow sufferers, hearing their stories and telling them mine. They also fed us a great breakfast and lunch and taught us coping skills and other great stuff. After a week of class, rest and with my medication now at 30 mg/day I was released feeling MUCH better! Please note, the 2 days I was in hospital was the first nights I'd spent in hospital in my life, and I was 63 years old. Everybody has their breaking point.

    After I was released feeling much better, my attorney and I had enough of my estranged sister's nonsense and went after her jugular with a Court petition. And guess what? She and her attorney buckled after getting our petition, they made us a great offer to end the whole thing!

    It has been a year and  a half of almost unrelenting anxiety. 6 weeks ago I truly didn't care if I lived or died, I was that down. And today, just like that, the legal problems are over with and I can look forward to the rest of the year. Your life can change that fast!

    So, don't throw your life away because you are feeling terrible today. Things can change so fast and when you least expect it. I went to Church services 3 weeks ago and I prayed to the Holy Spirit just before Communion-I essentially said, 'Hey, I have endured for a year and a half. I haven't lost the Faith. I haven't become angry with you. I am still here, trying to do my best and worshiping you. But now it's time for YOU to make things right, because I've done all I can do and I've reached my limits.'. Today my prayers were answered.

    So Sam, don't give up. Stay the course and try and be strong. Don't lose your Faith. If it can happen for me it can happen for you-and when you least expect it. I came out of that outpatient workshop feeling much better and stronger-I would advise you to take a similar treatment if one is offered in year area. It truly was a tonic for me!

    • phil14354

      Hi Phil, I read your post with interest but everyone I read mentions medication. Being physically ill for so long and not accessing my counsellor bought me to my knees, my doctor knows about this. I was genuinely scared I had kidney cancer the thing that killed my dad, which is what sparked all this so I am having tests in hospital for everything you could think of. It's all for reassurance really but knowing helps me to cope. Luckily it was my counsellor and friend/support worker who heard when I wanted to jump and between them they pulled me out of this. I still want to be with my dad but that's because he always gave me the reassurance I needed and a hug. It's taken a while but that intense feeling is slowly diminishing, if it happens again I now have my counsellor's number - she's been my rock really. I've learnt to completely as much as I dare trust her and know she'll now be there. But it's taken a lot. Thanks to you too. I may never take anti depressants but trust someone to talk instead and that's helpful to me. I can't give up my dad didn't raise weak women.

    • sam18386

      I believe in you, Sam. Like you said, your dad didn't raise any weak women.

      You'll make it through this because you have a support system with your counsellor, to help you trough the tough spots. This, to, shall pass!

    • phil14354

      Hi Phil, it may take a while but as long as I get there is the important bit for me. The issue could have been sorted years back but family meddled in it and it never was a result. Counsellor hasn't given up on me which is really kind.

  • sam18386

    Hi It's obviously your choice whether you want ad's or not but I think accepting you might need them is much better than jumping.  Just my thoughts. x

  • sam18386

    believe me you don't wanna jump or even die , cause if you wanted to do that you would have did it long time ago , not telling anyone about it .

    but since you tried to seek for help that's a good thing it's like you are waiting for sth for a reason to stick in this life , a reason to fight !

    Sam the truth is you are the reason you wanna stay a life , the reason you should be thankful for everything around you even if it's so normal like breathing or being able to use the internet or being able to share ..

    always look at the bright side .. you have to fight to succeed .. 

    no one will knock your door to try to make you happy , no one ever even your family not because you don;t deserve that or you are not worth it .. but this is how life goes everyone is fighting in his own battle try to reach for sth trying to be sth ...

    you have to fight for your own self fight .. 

    • farah94

      Hi Farah, I felt so bad because I'd been so ill. I would have rather have been dead rather than being in so much relentless pain. Luckily I had the sense to ring my counsellor. The thoughts of this are easier some days more than others. I try to think of what I'd leave behind and most of the time it hurts me tonnes. At other times it doesn't, I look at the trees and think how good it would be to join him where he is. I just miss him horrendously.

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