Posted , 12 users are following.
What's the point in life? When you don't have a husband, you don't have kids.. you're rapidly approaching 40 and nobody... I mean NOBODY cares about you.
I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. Hate isn't even a strong enough word, I loathe my life. I can't do anything right. I can't be successful at anything. I just wish I was dead. Would I actually kill myself? No, I'm sure I would find a way to mess that up just like everything else and make everything even worse.. but I wish I was dead. I just can't find the purpose of it anymore, nobody would care if I died. Nobody would miss me when I'm gone.
I know nobody really cares.. but sometimes it helps to rant.
I just want so badly for SOMEONE to give me a hug and tell me that I'm not alone. That someone DOES care. I just want someone to tell me that I'm not the failure I think I am. I want someone to tell me that they realize how hard I'm trying, and that it does get better.
But nobody cares about me. I have to put on a fake smile at work as I spend 12 hours a day 5 days a week cleaning up after other peoples messes. I have to put a fake smile when I go to my parents house because the only problems that are important are their own. I mean, they can rant to me all they want but the minute I try to open up to them their response is usually one of the following "oh, she's just whining again, she whines ALL THE TIME!, quit whining, nobody cares"
I applied for a job at the prison system which would pay almost double what i made before.. and I passed the physical and start at the academy next week but nobody can even say good job. Or congrats. My family doesn't care. My father can't stop reminding me that 15 years ago I failed boot camp so in his opinion, I'm wasting my time and I will probably fail at the training academy as well.
I'm so tired of it. I know I've made mistakes but i'm working so hard to make up for them. I just wish someone would at least pretend to care. I wish someone would just realize how lonely I am and how despirately I need a real friend. i hate my life. I wish I'd just die. I wish I could just flip a switch and it would all be over.
How do you keep going when you feel like this?
Before someone suggests it, I tried meds years ago for my depression.. they didn't work, they just made me jittery.
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