how do you keep going

Posted , 12 users are following.

What's the point in life?  When you don't have a husband, you don't have kids.. you're rapidly approaching 40 and nobody... I mean NOBODY cares about you. 

I hate myself.  I hate everything about myself.  Hate isn't even a strong enough word, I loathe my life.  I can't do anything right.  I can't be successful at anything.  I just wish I was dead.  Would I actually kill myself?  No, I'm sure I would find a way to mess that up just like everything else and make everything even worse.. but I wish I was dead.  I just can't find the purpose of it anymore, nobody would care if I died.  Nobody would miss me when I'm gone.

I know nobody really cares.. but sometimes it helps to rant.  

I just want so badly for SOMEONE to give me a hug and tell me that I'm not alone.  That someone DOES care.  I just want someone to tell me that I'm not the failure I think I am.  I want someone to tell me that they realize how hard I'm trying, and that it does get better.

But nobody cares about me.  I have to put on a fake smile at work as I spend 12 hours a day 5 days a week cleaning up after other peoples messes.  I have to put a fake smile when I go to my parents house because the only problems that are important are their own.  I mean, they can rant to me all they want but the minute I try to open up to them their response is usually one of the following "oh, she's just whining again, she whines ALL THE TIME!, quit whining, nobody cares" 

I applied for a job at the prison system which would pay almost double what i made before.. and I passed the physical and start at the academy next week but nobody can even say good job.  Or congrats.  My family doesn't care.  My father can't stop reminding me that 15 years ago I failed boot camp so in his opinion, I'm wasting my time and I will probably fail at the training academy as well.  

I'm so tired of it.  I know I've made mistakes but i'm working so hard to make up for them.  I just wish someone would at least pretend to care.  I wish someone would just realize how lonely I am and how despirately I need a real friend.  i hate my life.  I wish I'd just die.  I wish I could just flip a switch and it would all be over.  

How do you keep going when you feel like this?  

Before someone suggests it, I tried meds years ago for my depression.. they didn't work, they just made me jittery.

 

1 like, 14 replies

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi,

    I just read your post and at the time no one had responded. That's a shame because on this site no one is alone and no one is judged. I am lucky because I am not alone but if I was I don't know if I could cope.

    Most humans have a tendancy to want to have friends and/or partners for survival more than anything else, safety in numbers etc.

    This makes us feel very vulnerable and useless if we don't conform. Your approaching 40, so still have time on your side. Get the job that you are going for and make that that the cornerstone for a new beginning, make friends with new people you have never met, reinvent yourself but don't try to hard.

    Best of luck,

    Mike.

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    • Posted

      Thank you for replying and I'm sorry I didn't get back to this earlier... I started at the acadamy to be a CO, and I've been so busy in training I can barely check my email.  As always, good days and bad...  today was bad when my dad learned I bought a different car (it just feels so much SAFER to have a SUV vs a tiny compact car when I have a commute of an hour, in the dark, through country that's packed full of deer and wild hog.. plus if I'm exhausted, as I was Friday it's big enough and has tinted windows so that I can find a gas station and take a nap without someone 'watching' or knowing I'm there...  I can afford it, especially if I continue with this training, and it's motivation to stick with it through training.. but of course my dad's reaction was an eyeroll and a sarcastic growly reply of "oh that's nice!"  I know why his reaction is negative...  He financed a house for me 8 months ago, i've asked begged and pleaded for him to let me know what the payments are so I can pay him back and he will change the subject or flat out refuse.  Frankly, i don't even -like- this house.  They picked it out (my parents), but it's dark, it has a whopping 5 windows, it's dark and depressing and it's big and empty. and while I REALLY do appreciate everything they've done for me, I NEVER asked them for the house.  They have no business holding it over my head when I WANT to either pay them for it or move out.  But that's what I feel like they're doing.  I feel like I have to be at their beck and call and heaven forbid I make a purchase of my own.  The real reason I got this car?  So if something happens to them I have SOMETHING in my own name so I don't end up on the street.   When I get going with this job a bit more securely I am going to find my own apartment and move out and tell them to sell this place, it's just so hard to be patient til then.  It's hard to hold the depression at bay when I feel like I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try and when I feel like I owe them so much but I can't do anything to pay it back.  And when they throw around the attitude because, heaven forbid I make a large purchase of my own...  then it's that much harder.  Anyway, i'm sorry for a second rant.  I do appreciate your comment and it's nice that someone cares.  

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  • Posted

    Hello Clyuzy

    If you are in the UK and are feeling very low, you need help and your GP should arrange some treatment for You.

    If you are really bad and on your own you could also call NHS Information Line on Tel111 they will triage and try and help you.

    You can also contact the Samaritans, they will talk as well.

    You can also come back on here, If need be PM my line and I will talk with you over these pages. 

    I do not know if you will accept a cuddle from a Pensioner who is disabled and overweight ?. I will send you now three hugs and one hour of cuddles as long as you do not tell my Wife and dog.

    Generally always around here to talk

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Awww, thank you for the reply, sure appreciate the virtual hugs and cuddles...   I'm not in the UK, probably should be for this board, but I found it in searching and thought it might help.. and it has.  Anyway, Thank you for replying and I'm sorry I didn't get back to this earlier... I started at the acadamy to be a CO, and I've been so busy in training I can barely check my email.  As always, good days and bad...  today was bad when my dad learned I bought a different car (it just feels so much SAFER to have a SUV vs a tiny compact car when I have a commute of an hour, in the dark, through country that's packed full of deer and wild hog.. plus if I'm exhausted, as I was Friday it's big enough and has tinted windows so that I can find a gas station and take a nap without someone 'watching' or knowing I'm there...  I can afford it, especially if I continue with this training, and it's motivation to stick with it through training.. but of course my dad's reaction was an eyeroll and a sarcastic growly reply of "oh that's nice!"  I know why his reaction is negative...  He financed a house for me 8 months ago, i've asked begged and pleaded for him to let me know what the payments are so I can pay him back and he will change the subject or flat out refuse.  Frankly, i don't even -like- this house.  They picked it out (my parents), but it's dark, it has a whopping 5 windows, it's dark and depressing and it's big and empty. and while I REALLY do appreciate everything they've done for me, I NEVER asked them for the house.  They have no business holding it over my head when I WANT to either pay them for it or move out.  But that's what I feel like they're doing.  I feel like I have to be at their beck and call and heaven forbid I make a purchase of my own.  The real reason I got this car?  So if something happens to them I have SOMETHING in my own name so I don't end up on the street.   When I get going with this job a bit more securely I am going to find my own apartment and move out and tell them to sell this place, it's just so hard to be patient til then.  It's hard to hold the depression at bay when I feel like I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try and when I feel like I owe them so much but I can't do anything to pay it back.  And when they throw around the attitude because, heaven forbid I make a large purchase of my own...  then it's that much harder.  Anyway, i'm sorry for a second rant.  I do appreciate your comment and it's nice that someone cares.  

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  • Posted

    I know how you feel and I wish I could give you that hug and tell you we are in it together Because I also have those days and I'm only 23 ! It's normal to feel this way especially given your circumstances your single no kids but nothing wrong with that ! Try flaunting it I know alot of people in there 40s single and loving it! Like my own mum for starteers! smile I know a lot of married women who eould envy you smile feeling lonely can suck so maybe you should get a pet dog smile they will always love you and scientifically can help with depression because of the endorphins you release from being happy smile you should try to take a humour from your situation and laugh and be like yeah I'm that 40 year old and everyone else will have to accept u ! If you do want kids there's always a way smile even adoption smile you still could meet someone too it's all about faith smileI hope you start to feel better and I'm here if u wanna chat xx

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your response smile   Normally I don't mind being alone... my last 2 boyfriends cheated on me... ok, no, one cheated, the other thought it was perfectly acceptable tha this best buddy was cheating on his wife and when I asked if we were in the situation that they were in (wife had a sick grandfather and had to travel across the country with him to the doctor, hubby stayed behind and cheated on her), if he would do the same thing.  He didn't answer.. so, he would have cheated, eventually.  i do get lonely at times though.. i actually have 2 dogs..and several cats, LOL, but it's just not the same as having another person to talk to.  Anyway, thank you for your reply, I do appreciate it!  

       

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  • Posted

    You definitely have people to talk to now who do care. You mentioned your parents, but no other relatives or friends. Do you know anyone you could socialize with, or do you suffer from shyness? Is there anyone you trust enough to talk to about your feelings? Keep in touch on this forum and take care. By the way, congratulations on your new job. I hope you will enjoy it, and maybe meet some friends.
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    • Posted

      i do suffer from shyness.. I had friends at my last job but i just switched to this Academy training for being a CO and it's starting all over.  I really have no family besides my parents.. my sister is so much like them and we stopped talking years ago..  I try hard to get along with my parents but it's hard sometimes.. my dad throws his weight around and holds things against me that happened years ago..    I really don't even want to know him if I'm to be honest.  He makes me feel terrible about myself for every little thing.  Every decision I make, he makes me feel stupid for it.  My mom's not as bad but she'll tell my dad everything I say so I really don't trust her.  Past that there's my great aunt but she's.. well.. she's almost 100 and crazy, haha.  I do appreciate that i have all of you here, I just wish I knew someone in person who I could reallly open up to or get a hug from at least, haha.  Thank you for your response though!!!  

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  • Posted

    Hey clyuzy

    Well your wrong about no one careing, and it's no pretence as you wish for, everyone here genuinely cares we have all been where you are and many will be there after you have too.

    I wish I could give you the hug you need I can tell you though your no failure and back that statement up with errifutable evidence so here goes hope your paying attention,

    You work 12 hours a day 5 days a week no easy task for anyone so I can factually state it's harder for you than most because you hiding behind that smile when your broken inside that takes so much strength a failure couldn't do that for one day a week let alone 5 which brings me nicely on to your parents every thought why they say those things winding again etc I assume it's because your the strongest person they have seen you appear to suck it up and get on with it again amazing strength displayed there too

    You blame yourself for things you have missed out on like the prison service job why your only human right? You are allowed to make mistakes everyone else does I know I do all the time

    You are quite smart you anticipated people would say about meds how about therapy have you tried cbt and a range of meds

    I hope 40 isn't that old because I'm there already lol let me tell you something Hun suicide is over-rated I've tried actually succeeded once too, the last one was a few weeks bad I took a huge overdose all I got from it was liver damage so yeah my organs from here on out will shut down I believe it's going to be slow and rather painful it may take weeks or months here's irony for you now that I know I only half messed up as in I woke up I got the fight I needed to push me through I felt great ya know then I go to the Drs days later to find now I got the fight it's to little to late

    As you can probs tell by my reply I read intently your story I related to it it brought back so many thoughts of my own

    I'm guessing by now you are realise that if no one in else in the world cares about you and your state of mind you could put all the have on the fact that I do and it'd be a real safe bet your odds on favourite

    You know what our problem is? We over think things the thoughts go 1000 miles an hour through our heads we can't concentrate on one at a time each thought brings a thousand other thoughts questions and solutions they get mixed up turn upside down and spin around what a mess we are in now right? The easiest way to combat that is to write things down your thoughts when your sad the things you need or want to say once you start to do this I garrantee the answers will be right in front of you each thought on paper is one less in the head

    As I said I care about you your family care about you we are all humans everyone makes mistakes we are allowed to they have made them too thinking your stronger than you are ya know it's the persona you display your a tough cookie ya know and they know it the tough love approach they choose to take with you I think more to inspire you that put you down you feel like you failed right they want you to succeed Hun that's why they say things that will make you want to proof them wrong I'm sure of it

    I care about you and I don't know you your an amazing person your mind your worst enemy like most on the site love yourself enough to give yourself the chance to prove to yourself what I'm saying is true I have nothing to gain from lieing to you remember that won't you xx

    Thinking deeply about you try to have a little faith in yourself I beleive in you xx mike

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    • Posted

      Prime example of the mind working so fast and the mumbling up of thoughts I do realise you got the prison job I put the job down on the wrong spot I was trying to say so much at once I know you'll understand that because your probs the same way x

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the reply.  Yeah, we do seem to have similar issues.  See,that's the biggest reason I haven't yet tried suicide is I"m so worried I won't be successful.  Silly isn't it?  I'm just scared to make my problems worse.  I mean... if I tried that, then I wouldn't be eligible to get into this CO training and then I'd have my overly controlling father around all the time and I'd never get a second try at it, and instead I'd be even more miserable.  But, for now, now that I'm at the Academy, for the time being I'm going to stick it out.  The training itself, so far at least, hasn't been too bad.  Actually I dare say that's been interesting.  I traded my car in yesterday, from a compact car to a SUV.. I have to drive an hour each way to training, half way I drive in the dark in an area where there are a lot of deer and hogs, so I just feel so much safer having something larger that I have a better shot at seeing anything on the side of the road in it.  Plus it has tinted windows and if I'm exhausted (as I was Friday) I can pull over into a gas station and take a nap in relative privacy so I don't fall asleep at the wheel.. while I may not care about my own life, I sure wouldn't want to hurt someone else.  Of course, my dad found out about this today and I was given an eyeroll followed by a growl of "oh that's real nice!" *sigh* can't do anything right.  He just doesn't get it.  Of course he drives a great big truck so he doesn't have to worry about getting hurt if he hits a deer.  Now, if I keep up this training I"m not going to have any trouble at all affording this car.. even if I don't I should still be able to afford it by going back to my previous job, but he doesn't understand that.  See, he financed a house for me 8 months ago.  And I appreciate it, I really do, but he flat out refuses to let me pay for it.   So, now I feel like I'm at his and moms beck and call whenever and no matter how hard I try I feel like I owe them.. they don't care, they won't let me pay them back but they, or, dad at least, throws around an attitude if, god forbid I make a big purchase like this. Once I get started at the prison itself (5 more weeks training) I plan on moving out into an apartment and telling them to sell this place, so that i don't have it hanging over my head and maybe, maybe after that I'll somehow find some of my self worth again, but it's hard to be patient for that long.  Anyway, I'm sorry for the second rant.. I do appreciate your response.. it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through it.. though I hate to know that as well, I wish other people weren't going through it.  It's terrible to feel this way and not be able to do much about it.  

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  • Posted

     if meds make you jittery you need stablisers like I have, I had the same problem they should have prescribd them Lamotrogine and maybe gabapentin too.

    Is the office the place to meet a potential partner, do you ever like anyone there.

    I was young 19- 20 working in an office and only one person approached me and I thought is was ajoke, and I didnt look bad then either.

     Perhaps yoiu emit either stay away or I am desperate vibes as a friend once said to me, do you dress ro attract? I think you need to have different ambitions perhaps something altogether different and nothing to do with your father his life is his yours is yours. you also need to go to the right places, you havent said you do. joining hobby classes or even go out for a drink in a quiet nice bar, be interesting as you can, do many things if you can it will increase your self confidence. YOu can keep going you are only coming up 40 I was young at that age,itsnot old. Many people nowadays dont settle down untilthey are older.

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  • Posted

    Hi clyuzy - sorry to read of your situation. I wonder if your parents have always dismissed you. Your comment that they claim you are whining, and whining all the time, and that nobody cares is very familiar to me. i grew up with that too, and when in my forties I made the effort to deal with life long depression, they denied because their denial was more important than the wellbeing of their own child. 

    There are some positives in your post too. First, the fact you are reaching out to us; second that you recognise what ails you; and third that you have made a major change in life by getting a better paid job, passing the physical, and starting at the academy next week. This is an opportunity for you to establish a new circle of friends. You're all starting off on the same foot in a new job - the perfect situation for new relationships.

    As for boot camp it sounds like your father is busy trying to keep you down about it. Tell him that was 15 years ago and to get over it. I know you have written that you tried meds years ago and that they made you jittery. It may be that you were prescribed meds that were not conducive to your particular situation. Meds often need changing or doses adjusted to find the right combination for you. Ma6ybe you could try that path again - but discreetly. It's no-one elses business. Best of luck to you whatever you decide and good luck at the academy.

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  • Posted

    Hi!

    You are right, you are depressed. I believe this is the underlying issue in your life, more than the job, or the parents, or the loneliness.

    Yes they both go hand in hand, but someone depressed can't find pleasure in the little things in life.

    I had severe depression and anxiety for two years then a small window of being okay and again a relapse for two years.

    It has been two years since I fully recovered, today I had an amazing day! I worked really hard to get a job and the interview went really well, I also walked my mum's dog which i love, in the sun, I made some amazing food and ate it watching silly things on youtube, and then I listened to a beautiful song that reminded me that i once was horribly depressed and feeling just like you. ( Moderat - Let in the light if you want to hear)

    I believe two things happen, your situation makes you depressed, and being depressed makes your situation. It's a vicious cycle that gets things worse and worse.

    I want to admit the only way I managed to recover was by being tough, a little voice in my head told me every now and then that I need to work to recover, holding on to that voice saved my life, I wasn't really suicidal, but was slowly getting there.

    The excitement of recovery was the only source of energy and excitement in my life for a very long time.

    I want to tell you that it sounds like you are on the right track, you have accepted your problems, you are working towards solving them, you are asking for help.

    It's a slow process, you may need a big change, maybe not working in prisons, don't let anyone be in the way of your recovery.

    Self-respect was the answer for me, and it seems that is what you need, self-respect means looking after yourself in every way possible, being kind to yourself, being accepting of your faults and appreciating your strengths.

    Don't expect your parents to understand, they have never been depressed, and nobody will understand you unless they have suffered from depression.

    I understand you, I have felt the same way, lonely, uninspired, useless, stupid.

    Depression ACTUALLY makes you slow, and affects your memory.

    Let yourself know that you love yourself with actions, cleanliness, order, healthy food, exercise. When you find self-respect other people slowly will start respecting you and appreciating you for what you appreciate yourself.

    I know its relly hard, but I am fully recovered and it wasn't easy, I had to do all kinds of things, from moving away from my abusive mum, to leaving a girlfriend I loved so much but she was depressed too and she wasn't helping me, to changing careers.

    I also failed few times at few things, lost jobs, did some silly businesses whilst depressed.

    Give yourself some credit, understand what depression does to you and your brain, it is not your fault and with some time and some understanding you will feel better.

    I think you are right in the middle of a heavy depression, if you work hard to get out of it, you will! and you will look back at it, and find it a beautiful time, like I do, this times are when we learn to love, be kind to ourselves and the world, there is a huge amount of positivity to be taken from the places you are in now.

    Be strong and know that there are people like me who came out of the ditch. You will see clearer, but make sure you change the things that you know deep inside are not right for you.

    If you have to move to a different city, so be it! Do whatever it takes, you are worth it, and you are the only person that you need.

    Wish you all the best

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