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How do you negotiate with someone suffering major depression, anxiety and abusing alcohol

Posted , 6 users are following.

jackie82937
jackie82937

Hi

I wondered if anyone could offer any help?

The husband left the family home suffering major depression and anxiety we did everything we could to help but all help was refused even by medical professionals.  He has now settled into a new relationship with an alcoholic and we have discovered that he is now using large amounts of alcohol too.

We are trying to move on with our lives but he is being difficult over settling finances, so far everything has been on his terms and we feel he is trying to control us by making my daughter and myself stay in the family home until it is sold so he does not have to deal with the home.  We are at our wits end the daughter has been badly affected by this and had counselling since he left, she has tried emailing him but he will not budge, she feels he is not facing reality and he refuses to listen to fact which is once the family home is sold we will be homeless.  I am trying to be reasonabe but he is making life very difficult any help would be a god send.  Thank you

2 likes, 29 replies

29 Replies

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  • nicki16559
    nicki16559 jackie82937

    Posted

    Someone dealing with depression and anxiety is very difficult..I've been there myself. Especially with alcohol which intensifies everything 110%. People try to reasonable then lose patient and kick off which in someone like ur ex husband mine clarifys their thoughts patterns etc. Leave it.a day and take the slowly approach as if u was dealing with a frightened child. I'm sorry it's probably no help but I'm trying to tell u from someone who has been there through so much...the alcohol issue..I lost my sister a year ago today through alchol and same issues and tough love is not the one. Remember it's a illness and not personal x
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 nicki16559

      Posted

      Thanks Nicki I'm really sorry to hear about your sister.  I've had anxiety myself so know how bad it can be.  He said he wanted to sort things amicably but he has changed beyond belief.  Thanks again Jackie
    • nicki16559
      nicki16559 jackie82937

      Posted

      His kicking off being a c... cause his lashing out his hurt scared in no control of anything. I'm not sticking up for ur husband just trying to help u by the way his being. I've been a nightmare to the people closest and the alchol which when I've had a few drinks sends me on a vendetta believe. I haven't spoke to my mum for 9 months cause the abuse and the nastiness I was to her through alchol and the depression etc u feel alone hurt abondaned etc so u lash out at anyone even ur own daughter which explains things. I mean this is my mum. Sorry not much help babe but trying to give u the full picture a bit xx
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 nicki16559

      Posted

      He does have control issues, said he had to go and live alone to control his food, shoppin and cleaning!  The MH crisis team said where he is living is a tip!

      The woman he is with is similar to myself minus the alcohol of course and she has short dark hair, he asked me to get my hair cut short last year like I used to have it?  Also, it would appear he now has 2dogs that look like the ones we have at home? Thanks Nicki

  • jason31256
    jason31256 jackie82937

    Posted

    I cant help your husband but you need to move on go to your local council or letting agency see what is available to you keep your daughter trying to keep contact but he may not want her to see him now he may feel he completely let her down he may need to be told that he hasnt and she understands his pain and depression also take time for yourself start doing new things before you get depressed over it all I am depressed now all I want is to be free of it it is a bad feeling but I will win the dont worry about finances or the house just deal with them as and when because it isnt every day to keep doing that you have to keep days for you and your daughter please take care if you ever need a chat just pm me we are here to help
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 jason31256

      Posted

      Hi Jason

      We have tried applying for housing in another area but we are low down the list.  As we currently have a home we are not a priority but we need to move from the bad memories, it is having a detrimental effect on our health, we just want our fresh start as he has had his, not too much to ask is it.  He wants contact with her but she has lost all patience with him as has our son they have both tried to help and been pushed away and he sends them some very odd responses.  Thanks Jason

  • Allycats
    Allycats jackie82937

    Posted

    Ok, sounds tough. I suggest that if violence is a threat contact the police (I don't know the situation, please don't be offended) If this is the case, don't tell him where you're going and leave for a relative or friends house with your daughter for a safe haven.You could also request the advice of legal services if he himself is unresponsive. Also, don't blame yourself, these things happen and you're just going through a blip. I recommend also seeking counselling as this will help with the stress of the situation and if you feel really bad go to the GP. Divorce is also not forever. My auntie was divorced and had children and has just met a smashing bloke, so there is hope. I know things seem desperate now but there is a resolution!
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Allycats

      Posted

      Thanks al, it is an awful situation to be in.  He has become a complete stranger when I have managed to speak to him he has spoken to me like cr*p but I told him to not disrespect me and he changed back to his normal demeanour for a while!  Our daughter is having counselling and I have had counselling but things just seem to going from bad to worse! 
    • Allycats
      Allycats jackie82937

      Posted

      Hang in there Jackie, you're the level headed one in this situation and Im glad that you're able to stand up for yourself like that, sounds courageous to me. My auntie's husbund cheated. She also was depressed and even picked up postnatal depression (as she had to care for her newly born son and daughter at the time)

      . She's now still in her job as a pharmacist, with a partner and two children. All of us nephews and nieces look up to her because she is a very strong character like yourself. She's now in a happy relationship and supports her daughter and son through cheerleading and school.

      . My auntie says that it has to come from you, you have to make a decision to feel better and instead of the negatives, you have to keep asking yourself how you can make things better for you and your daughter. I can guarantee that if you'll force this habit you'll see good, positive changes as she did. The negatives we speak to ourselves effect us if we let them, but we can change them into positives. Instead of I feel sad, change it to how can I make myself happier? I'll be doing the same, so far Ive figured out that I like trying to help out other people and editing wikipedia articles. Hope this helps!

    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Allycats

      Posted

      Thanks Al

      You are right I am the level headed one, I have had to stay strong for our kids who have supported me all the way as have my husband's own family. 

      It's great to hear such postive news about your auntie she sounds like an amazing woman.

      I've just filed for the Divorce and felt a sense of relief!  My worst fear is actually approaching later tonight.  The only way I know life will be happier and better is to get out of the family home which is what I'm trying my best to do.

      Thanks again. x

    • Allycats
      Allycats jackie82937

      Posted

      Good to hear your getting some closure on all of this, stay safe, Im confident you'll be just as strong as my auntie, good luck! Don't hesitate to ask advice on here, there's people here to help smile Might help to consider staying with a relative as a plan B just in case
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Allycats

      Posted

      Thanks Allycats, will do everyone has been very supportive and kind.  Only option is mu parents but it won't last long as they are quite controlling, I know they mean well and wouldn't mind but my Dad has MH issues and I need to move away from issues so I get better. x
    • Allycats
      Allycats jackie82937

      Posted

      That's fair enough, it's probably best that way. Perhaps, if you get stuck, you could always rent a hotel room for a few nights/ find a place to rent
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Allycats

      Posted

      I'm sure I will come up with something even if it's a tent!  LOL 

      My parents have been very kind but I guess I don't want to burned them as they're in their 70's and I don't want them made ill, my Dad has been struggling coping with the situation. 

  • hypercat
    hypercat jackie82937

    Posted

    What an awful situation for you all but you do need to move on.  How about renting on the private market for the meantime while waiting for a property to become available on the council list.  You have to do whats best for you and leave the husband out of the equation coz you will get no sense there.  

    This is all about taking some of the control back from him and not letting him dictate your lives.  Are in the UK?  If so you will get housing benefit if no one is working or partial if someone is maybe.  There are other benefits avalailable as well so get looking into it.  If you are not in the UK then I don't know the rules and regulations.  But you need to start taking some control then you wouldn't be so dependent on his moods and whims.  Good luck.  xx

    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 hypercat

      Posted

      That's what we plan to do but he won't allow me to have the monies on hold wiht our solicitor unless I agree to HIS terms and conditions.  His plan is we have to remain in the family home until it is sold yet he has moved somewhere new with his alcohic partner and he is now using alcohol to treat his major depression and anxiety.

      We need to confront him so far all he has done is run away to avoid dealing with his issues.  Not seeing us means he doens't have to think about what he has done but at some point he will have to face that.  I've already given up my job to help him, had 3 major moves for his career and this is how he repays us.  Thanks hypercat.  Jackie x

    • hypercat
      hypercat jackie82937

      Posted

      Doesn't that work both ways jackie?  Isn't it joint money or is it in his name only?  Doesn't he have to agree to YOUR terms and conditions too before it is released?  

      Get a new job and get some money for yourself.  If it is joint money can't your get your half from the solicitor?  He cant hold you to ransom like this as it is disgraceful.  x

    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 hypercat

      Posted

      You are right Hypercat it should work both ways, I suggested we pay both solicitors bills in full and share what this equally between us but he has even refused this unless I settle all other financial matters this is his Pension on his terms.  The Pension is shared on the basis of need, he is a professional and can earn 10 times what I earn in one day, I have been with him for 34 years married 30 years, always worked and paid into the family finance, bought the children up, I have no pension of my own as my wages have always been very low and I now have no job as when he became I gave up my job to help support him.  In addition to this we have had 3 major house moves for his career so I feel a larger share of the pension is more than fair and reasonable.

      Sadly he is holding us to ransom and I fear he is doing so as he wants me to be the one who deals with the sale of the home and everything else.  I am desparately looking for work too, I need to get out and be with other people.  Thanks for your kind support. x

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