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How do you negotiate with someone suffering major depression, anxiety and abusing alcohol

Posted , 6 users are following.

jackie82937
jackie82937

Hi

I wondered if anyone could offer any help?

The husband left the family home suffering major depression and anxiety we did everything we could to help but all help was refused even by medical professionals.  He has now settled into a new relationship with an alcoholic and we have discovered that he is now using large amounts of alcohol too.

We are trying to move on with our lives but he is being difficult over settling finances, so far everything has been on his terms and we feel he is trying to control us by making my daughter and myself stay in the family home until it is sold so he does not have to deal with the home.  We are at our wits end the daughter has been badly affected by this and had counselling since he left, she has tried emailing him but he will not budge, she feels he is not facing reality and he refuses to listen to fact which is once the family home is sold we will be homeless.  I am trying to be reasonabe but he is making life very difficult any help would be a god send.  Thank you

2 likes, 29 replies

29 Replies

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  • damam97
    damam97 jackie82937

    Posted

    Hi Jackie I know how this has affected you and your family.my husband suffers from TRD .thank God he does not drink. He has been seeing psychiatrist past 4 yrs so far no treatments has helped. They do become very selfish as my husbands dad also suffered from depression and he did drink a lot. You are very brave and you wil lget through this. I am s sorry that I cannot be any practical help. They do not realize themselves that they must try and help themselves to an extent. I hope you can resolve this. Get your life back together.
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 damam97

      Posted

      Thanks Damam it's such an awful disease and there are so many people suffering from this.  My husband is totally self absorbded he also fails to accept and realise what this is having on our daughter. 
  • Charlie_Phogg
    Charlie_Phogg jackie82937

    Posted

    Hi Jackie,

    Depression and Alcohol go hand and hand. Most people will tell you he is Drinking to deal with the depression, but Alcohol and deppression go hand and hand. Especially if he is Bipolar. Has he always drank? Does he have issues sleeping or not sleeping, Highs, Lows etc. Obviously he's with an Enabler who won't complain . If you husband has always had a Job and made a good living he could be a functioning alcoholic. If he is full of Rage and Violent he's most likely a dual diagnosnis. I Suffer from Depression and Alcoholism but have always made a great living. I'm also involved with (NAMI) National Alliance Mental Illness. We work with Familie. ( we do a 12 week family to family class fo help the Families deal with what's going on.) I have a loved one rapid cycle bi-polar with an anxiey disorder etc. I know a lot about Mental illness and Alcoholism. I sponser people in AA. I work with many people. Bottom line if he's a Alcoholic you will neveer get him to change unless he wants to do it for himself or hits a real bad bottom. If he is abusive LEAVE when he decides to come back or tell him to take a hike until he gets help. Chances are he will hold Finances over your head if he makes a lot of money. There are ways to deal with that as well. 

     

    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Charlie_Phogg

      Posted

      Hi Charlie  Thanks for your thoughts, it sounds like you've come through some heavy stuff but syou are doing really well.

      Well our son thinks he may be Bipolar, I never noticed anything odd in the 34 years we were together, he was bullied at work and I think it has caused some sort of major depression or ptsd? 

      When we first met he did drink not massive amounts but when he did he was funny and sociable and a bit of a show off.  Over the years he would only have the odd pint nothing excessive, 5 years ago he started drinking coke and lemonade.  This drinking has only started recently, we are guessing it may be because he is now in a relationship with another woman who seems to have a drink problem and gets taken away on a regular basis to hospital via ambulance.

      We found some diaries going back to his teens which mention depression.  He had a top job which came before our kids and myself he has recently left his job after having worked for the same organisation for 18 years which was a mental health trust.

      I know he is having trouble sleeping a recent assessment by the MH crisis team highlighted this to me telling me he had given them excuses for his lack of sleep and weight loss. 

      He could have left his job with a sizeable payoff but has left with virtually nothing, his boss told me he has depression she had trid to help and take work off him but I think she may have suggested he go down the route of treatment which he probably refused as he has refused helpt from anyone so she may have had no option but to ask him to leave.

      He is trying to hold the finances over us but I think this centres around the fact that he is trying to ensure I stay here to deal with the sale of the home - avoidance again!  Thanks Charlie

    • Charlie_Phogg
      Charlie_Phogg jackie82937

      Posted

      Hi Jackie,

      Anytime, feel free to contact me directly anytime as well. Sounds like a people pleaser for years happy on the outside.  Sounds real familar. Did it for years was the best sales person and the person that everyone gravitated to.and wanted to be around.  Drinking got progressivre until I was diagnosed with Anxiety/Biporar disorders. Took a while to get the meds correct but wow life is good. The weight loss could be Anxiety/Depression or alcohol. Heavy drinkers tend to care more about the drink than food. Anxiety and depression same thing. (No drugs involved I hope) He needs to see a therapist then have that person recommend him to a doctor to be diagnosed. 

      Tell him getting help dosn't meand you are WEAK! It means you're STRONG and dealing with your issues.

      HANG IN there!!!

    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Charlie_Phogg

      Posted

      Thanks Charlie

      You are right he was a people pleaser yet told me I should say no to people!

      Anxiety is dreadful I've had it myself and agoraphbia but got help and better.

      He's not doing drugs at least I think not.

      He saw a psychologist and stopped going, he had about 8 sessions the guy was good toid him to start dealing with his issues, he told me at Chistmas the guy had helped sort his head yet told a medical professional the sessions were useless.

      He still thinks he can do this alone without help from anyone. 

      Told him that it is not weak to ask for help and to avoid making life changing decisions all of which has fallen on deaf ears.  Will do, thanks for your support.

  • Charlie_Phogg
    Charlie_Phogg jackie82937

    Posted

    You Get it Jackie! Sorry that you have the issues you have, but we deal with the cards we were dealt. You put yourself on the path to dealing with your issues and hopefully he will too. Sometimes when you a health proffesional and they get to the root of your problem people back off because they dont want to believe it or admit it. Once again not a weakness. That's why I work with NAMI to help eliminate the stigma that people attach to mental illness. If you were in the hospital for an operation people send flowers. If you have a mental illness people back off and label you. (Well not all people just uneducated ones!) 
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Charlie_Phogg

      Posted

      I had to Charlie I reached a point when I wanted someone to kill me so I didn't have another anxiety attack.  I got to the stage where I thought I can either deal with it or allow the situation to make my life a misery,  I chose to think positive, take meds and get help.

      As bad as this has been I've been able to help others and made new friends.  I too have told some people I have had MH issues to be treated like a leper but they aren't worth worrying about it and they don't understand unless they have had issues themselves or close to someone who has. 

      I would have thought given my husband worked in MH he would have known how to access services etc, but it would appear that even medical people and professional people are the worst to admit.

       

  • Charlie_Phogg
    Charlie_Phogg jackie82937

    Posted

    Jackie people don't get it and many don't know how to react so they do nothing and back away. That's why I work to fight the stigma inolved with MH. I will tell you something more people will start to understand because people are living longer and getting illnesses like altheimers (SP) When people have to take care of others who forget who they are they will have empathy for others. You are doing the correct thing by talking to people! Don't keep it inside. Taking meds and getting help is awesome. The problem I run into is when I work with someone who feels better after getinng on medication is they think they are ok so they stop taking the medication. (The reason they feel better) You are going through a real tough time but I truley believe everything happens for areason. You have no clue what it is now but you'll look back at this episode someday and realize that it made you a better person and stronger. I'm not a religious fanatic and I know there is something out there so when then S##T hits the fan I turn it over to what I like to call my higher power. I learned this when I stopped drinking and got involved with AA, but use this principle for the issues that I go throufg on a daily basis. I don't know it just feels good to turn it over and do the next right thing. I try not to get upset at uneducated people I don't call them ignorant anymore. When you are sick and getting help your doing the what's best for you. It akes people a long time to get it. Before I was diagnose with my mental illness I didn't want to admit there may be an underlying reason why I was so off. I hid my diease for a long time and did the same with booze.Today I don't care If it helps someone. What got me p*ssed is just when I have everything under control I'd have a Bipolar episide. I know I will have this my entire life, but still have deal with issues just like everyone else does. I'm a very successful business person but the people I work with have no clue. Running Sales and Selling isn't the best occupation for some one who suffers from a panic/Anxiety disorder and is Bipolar 1. Sorry for the rant. LOL
  • Charlie_Phogg
    Charlie_Phogg jackie82937

    Posted

    BY the way do something NICE for yourself to get your mind off it for a while!
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Charlie_Phogg

      Posted

      I will Charlie, all ready had a nice food shop and the daughter's boyfriend has come over which has livened the house up a bit.  I've just seen a really good job which is exactly the same as I was doing beforeI gave my job up to care for the husband so I'm really quite excited.  Planning a bit of a pamper session and a girlie shopping day out with my daughter, we can't afford much but the most important is some fun quality time together!
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