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How does your partner respond to your depression?

Posted , 11 users are following.

athol91131
athol91131

If you are in a partnership, how do you (as a couple) deal with your depression? My partner gets very p..ssed off with me, which I guess is understandable, but then she attacks me for being depressed, shouting and screaming at me, telling me how useless I am and how I have failed in our relationship and f...cked it all up etc. in fact all the things that my depression tells me too. So I feel attacked from inside and outside. This is very difficult to bear and I am thinking of leaving her as I can't see how I can deal with my own depression whilst also dealing with her animosity. She tells me she loves me and worries about me but then she attacks. It is very confusing. I do love her but I dont think I can live with her. She is not good for me and makes me feel worse so now I try to hide my depression from her and am walking on eggshells around her. She has physically kicked and punched me in the past but has now got better, but she is full of anger and says it is all my fault. Has anyone else had a similar experience? and how have you dealt with being depressed and living with someone? Any advice please.

1 like, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • jo44371
    jo44371 athol91131

    Posted

    My heart goes out to you - I know how difficult I can be to live with when I am low, and I am lucky enough to have a very understanding partner. I know that he does not understand what it feels like to be depressed (lucky him), and I can sometimes feel his frustration, which I then interpret as rejection, and we both end up upset. I'm not sure I have any advice about how to cope with your situation - it sounds like your partner has her own difficulties, and maybe the self-centredness of depression makes it hard to see how things are for her. Please don't take that as blaming you - I don't mean that at all, just that things are complex for all of us. I guess the critical thing is recognising what is you (with and without your depression) and what is her. Also remember to be kind to yourself if you can. All the best.
  • hope4cure
    hope4cure athol91131

    Posted

    Yikes that sounds very cruel...

    is there a possibility u both go th counceling?

    • athol91131
      athol91131 hope4cure

      Posted

      We have been to relationship counselling twice. The first time I said that I felt a little bit bullied by her and she stomped out in a rage. End of. The second time we drove to the appt. and when we were 2 min away she said she wasn't going in as previously arranged and was going to go shopping, as I was the one with the problem so I should go in. I did, but it did nothing to resolve the situation. I have seen counsellors on my own but it didn'[t resolve our difficulty. She says all couples have fights and it's normal and when she is angry and throws things it is just her expressing her emotions. She says I have a victim mentality.
    • hope4cure
      hope4cure athol91131

      Posted

      No I did not say that! U have got it wrong.surprised

      when I see abuse I call it as I see it. it is clearly verbal abuse.... 

      Theres a lot goin on than he info given. It's a lot or complicated than one short paragraph can tell us.

      Just from one statement how can any of us possibly know the whole story from one example. I made a judgement call like it or not it was from my heart too! And from a small amt of info given.. Harmony is very different in every case. Perhaps less abuse and less fighting... Is the bottom line. Could be harmony for some. Take one word and blow it out of proportion is why many do not answer people asking for help.....no harmony was used as a example perhaps the lack of a better word. What would u suggest?question

      how u take what others say is defensive by taking one word into a whole other meaning. Not at all my intention...rolleyes I was only responding to the pain & abuse I read .. We have all been there...I did not compare her story to mine as some often do. I read the story, made my interpetaton wheather anyone agrees or not , is souly left to the person who asked for help to evaluate it for their life.

      There is nothing were it's my way or harmony. Interpetitation is in the eye of the beholder. I can only hope that the situation doesn't escalate. A little peace or harmony is better than abuse & fighting.

       

  • hope4cure
    hope4cure athol91131

    Posted

    So she would rather be right about her feeling than respect URs, or live in harmony!
  • jackie82937
    jackie82937 athol91131

    Posted

    Hi

    Really sorry to hear your predicatment.  I have to admit that when I have had row with my husband I have got angry and thrown things during our long marraige but not whilst he has been ill, in fact I have been the one left treading on eggshells.  

    As the none depressed partner you try to help, encouraging your partner to seek treatment and telling them they need help, the mistake I made was telling him what he was doing and saying was totally out of character and as a result he has left.  Sadly he has been gone 8 months and still fails to see or admit he needs. help.  THe only anger and frustration I felt was at my husband's lack of seeking treatment and help but it does sound to me she has her own issues. 

    We tried couples counselling it drove a wedge between us, my husband was not prepared to help himself, the counsellor said told me I had done all I can it's up to him now.  Feeling you can't live with someone is all part of the depression, our family has been torn apart by his leaving, the most upsetting thing for us it's nothing any of us have done it's all down to his job and work.  He has said he doesn't want to hurt me emotionally but that's already been done by him running away and buring his head in the sand, our kids aren't to sympathetic either they've said he's acting like a dick andwant nothig more to do with him and they are 19 & 24!

    I really don't know what to suggest, maybe speak to your GP, I'm guessing if you tried to tell her how you feel she may not accept what you are saying? 

    There are people on here to help you so email back if you need to.

    All the best Jackie

     

  • 1234567890
    1234567890 athol91131

    Posted

    My boyfriend is the same. He throws/hits/breaks stuff when angry and says that I play the victim and I'm ruining our relationship. I'll admit 90% of our arguments stem from my depression. Depression > insecurity > jealousy/anger > I lash out at him. However he refuses to recognise it's my depression and just reacts as though I'm crazy (I guess I am) and an irrational, hysterical woman. He begs me to tell him what's wrong then belittles and ridicules all of my paranoias when I finally do. Sorry I've kinda gone off on a rant of my own but to answer your question, yes my boyfriend is the same. 
  • hope4cure
    hope4cure athol91131

    Posted

    I missed the, "rather be right." That I meant or  should say it another way....so can there be a "compromise" in the situation rather than being right about something. Being Right about something doesn't always bring what u both need. Just another version of trying to help then be attacked...put into a position of having to defend what I said to help u...take or leave it it only meant to help u...because I read UR predicament & stepped in to help.

    am sorry to hurt UR feelings.. I too have tried my best to interpret UR call for help. I don't know what else to add. Maybe someone else can help u.we all are here to support others & that's the goal of this site. I try my best. Sorry .sad

  • Hopingtosmile
    Hopingtosmile athol91131

    Posted

    My boyfriend tries to understand, but I can see it frustrates him that I am unwell. It makes me sad that I am not perfect, but then again if I had a back injury I don't think I would,d feel this way. He doesn't always understand me, and he does get angry and has no patience whatsoever. I am trying to educate him but he does get sick of me constantly talking about my illness, but at the moment it is all of who I am. 
  • eldirector
    eldirector athol91131

    Posted

    How'd there. I find myself in a very similar situation myself today. My wife has never gotten to grips with my depression.

    She tolerates it but only barely. She sees it as an inconvenience and has buried her head, hoping it will just go away. What she fails to see is that if she isn't part of the solution then she is a big part of the problem. Why? Because the one person you are supposed to be able to rely and count on in times of need doesn't want to know. She has never shown me any sympathy or compassion or seemed to reassure me. Instead all she says are things like, "...man up...it's your issue, only you can change it..." She really believes that she can do nothing to help

    Anyway, this is going on 2 years now. OP it's a year since your post. What has happened since?? Thanks.

    • jeff20408
      jeff20408 eldirector

      Posted

      I’m in a near identical situation. My wife has literally no compassion for my depression. She will just pile on while I’m at my worst and with absolutely no regard for how it will compound my inner pain. She refuses to go to counseling with me as well. At this moment, we’re sleeping in seperate rooms, and this is after we reconciled 6 months ago after a 2 year/$50k divorce process. 
    • eldirector
      eldirector jeff20408

      Posted

      Why did you get back together after the divorce? How have you been doing since? I think the only thing for me is to leave but I haven’t got the courage to do so yet 
  • Belleandbeast
    Belleandbeast athol91131

    Posted

    This sucks I'm in the exact same situation. My guy hates me for my depression and I've wanted to leave him but I haven't yet because we live together. 

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