husband raising the issue - good or bad idea?

Posted , 7 users are following.

My wife, aged 37, has changed a lot in the last couple of years, the main symptom being increased anxiety levels. The timing and nature of the symptoms are very like PMS, but their duration and severity are incomparably worse than used to be the case.

As a squeamish husband i do my best to stay clear of such details, but her recent purchasing patterns are suggestive to me of heavier, worse, whatever, menstruation.

I've recently started to surmise that she's in the early stages of menopause. She's youngish but not ridiculously so, plus the symptoms are there and I wonder if there mightn't be a link with complications during (successful) IVF treatment 4 years ago which led to her losing an ovary.

The idea that she might be in the early stages of menopause came to me quite recently, when I stumbled across the shopping bag full of super-ultra-heavy duty sanitary products that she didn't ever used to need, as far as I know.

Prior to that I'd been tending towards a view that she'd somehow picked up some kind of standalone anxiety disorder.

In many ways i'd be really pleased if the problem was something with a finite time horizon, because the prospect of living with her as she is now for another 40 years or whatever was starting to feel quite unrealiatic. There are a few genuine issues in our compatability as a couple, not helped by her having a stressful job and shouldering more of the burden at home, but there's just something about the way she is that seems, well, it's so like a bad case of PMS, so irrational, panicky, and so on, that it seems like there's more to it.

At its heart I suppose my question is quite a simple one - as a husband would it be sensible for me to bring this up as a discussion topic with her? What would be the best way to do this?

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi alfie 

    all i can say is womens hormones can start to decline mid thirties..

    i started peri menopause ( the onset on menopause ) at the age of 40 ..

    but felt ' tectchy' years before ..

    post menopause is when a woman has had no periods for 12 months 

    the time before this is called peri menopause .. ( leading up too) 

    normally key symptoms are anxiety, but also night sweats and hot flushes in day ( that was my main starting symptoms) use to be sopping wet in my sleep and legs would be slipping off each other, thats when i thought ummm menopause creeping in.

    jay x

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  • Posted

    I started showing symptons in my 20s my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't leave my house. Was diagnosed with early Menapause when I was 28 that was 4 tears ago.

    My husband brough this up and asked me to go to doctors to speak with them I was depressed taking flushes couldn't sleep and was so moody. If this is affecting your relationship then u should speak to your wife about your concerns. Being diagnosed and going into HRT has completely changed me. I don't have anxiety attacks all the time I'm back working and my symptons are manageable.

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  • Posted

    Hi Alfie,

    Its lovely that you are looking for some anwers with the view of perhaps helping your wife during this stressful time. 

    I never really knew too much what to expect with the menopause except for the hot flushes etc. Never knew also there are so many symptoms link to what they call the Peri Menopause the journey before full Menopause (12 months of no more periods). 

    This forum may give you loads of help on what to expect and you may be able to help your wife as she herself hasnt possibly thought of menopause.

    My journey transistion started about 2 years ago with a major bout of anxiety which truly hit me for six (At the time I wasn't aware what was going on and ended up thinking that something dreadful was wrong with me at the time).

    The first day this anxiety hit me for six I woke up and cried to my husband like a baby and said I felt so very low but didn't know why.  I have a good marriage, but our lives are very stressful and have been for a very long time but I coped so why should it starting to effect me now?

    My husband came to the doctors with me and has supported me ever since with lots of cuddles and loads of reasurance when I was feeling low, and this truly did help me to know that he was trying to understand what I was feeling.

    I have learnt so much about the menopause since I have found this site,but the one thing that I have found lovely was my husband has never given up on me (I am sure he has felt like running away sometimes because seeing me like I was and as he said to me he felt helpless because he didnt know what to do to help) but he knows the person I was when we fell in love and I think you have to hold onto the good and positive things in your relationship and realise this will not last forever.

    I have since started taking HRT which is the oestrogel and ultranstan and it has helped turned my life around and my anxiety is loads better.

    At 37 if she is starting her journey very young so it may be worth her taking to her GP about having HRT (if there are no family history of breast cancer) It will protect her bones and there has been lots of recent research supporting taking it and especially if taken before 50 it may well do some good.  

    Continue to support your wife as sadly with our hormones we have no control on how we sometimes feel or react and stress may be a big factor of perhaps why she is suffering this way.

    Good time to perhaps book her a nice surprise massage (or something that you know she will enjoy that will help her switch off and relax).  I know that without my husband being there for me I couldnt have come this far. I am lucky that I can share my experiences with my husband which has helped us both in the long run.

    She is lucky that you care so much in wanting to help her, I have certainly found that talking to my husband has helped me manage my journey better knowing that even though he can't change things he can support me.

    Wishing you both loads of happiness and I can promise you it will make you a strong couple facing this together.

    The one thing that I have been told about was to have a good well balance diet, but was also told by a doctor that taking some B vitamins with the min of 100mg also B12 5000, Magnesium Solgar, Omega 3 will help.

    Take Care. x


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  • Posted

    Hi Alfie

    She could be starting peri menopause. With her anxieties she could be bleeding heavily and thats why she bought those big ones. She could be falling into a depression that can cause a lot of mood changes

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  • Posted

    Firstly Alfie...respect for seeking out an many men ( not all) will bury their heads and hope it goes away....which is JUST what doctors told men to do as recently as 30 years ago....!! It was a woman's "funny time" and they should just make allowances and get on with it..

    It certainly seems as if your wife is suffering some form of hormone crisis. I had fertility drugs... and it really does mess with your normal transition into menopause. I'm no doctor....but maybe you could initiate a discussion with your wife ? Does she know how she is being? Is she worried about anything in particular? Or does she just feel "down" for no real reason?? Heavy bleeding during periods will drag you down,drop your iron levels and is physically exhausting, so could you both visit your GP together and have a chat ??

    You could suggest she keeps a daily diary of symptoms and feelings of the day.? Some people cannot vocalise what they feel....but can write it down. This is also a helpful tool for a doctor to identify a pattern of behaviour..

    Keep reading the blogs here Alfie and you will see a broad spectrum of issues discussed all of which have been a great help to me...

    Good luck my friend, you are obviously a caring man......make a doctor or health proffessional listen to both your issues. Women AND their partners don't need to feel like this anymore...

    There IS help out there. Xx💝

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  • Posted

    Hi alfie

    I think you should talk to her. She is probably lonely and confused. If she is having heavy periods for the first time, it's probably pretty frightening, and it could make her anemic. Something simple like iron supplements could really help her. But it probably needs something more, like HRT, supplements etc. There are meds to help reduce the heaviness of the periods, just The Pill for example.

    You must be  feeling pretty beleaguered here too. I hope you two can communicate about this and bless you for seeking help here.

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