husbands depression effect all of us getting frustrated

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I don't know what to do to help my husband and his depression. When things get better and we all seem to back to normal the shoe drops and he's lost to us again.

I know he needs his time alone. But when he doesn't seem to care about us it hurts. He sprained my shoulder in April and I'm still dealing with the pain, see a different doctor this week. So with my left shoulder hurting, I'm left handed I can't get eerything done without major pain. So he has to do more around the house.

If I don't ask him to get things done then we have a messy house that brings us all down.

Daughter does the best she can. She dislocated her knee and sprained her ankle in Dec. I had gallbladder surgery in Nov. He has step up when we needed him but if we aren't in major pain he shuts down and forgets that we are still not 100% yet.

I can't do the washing of the clothes because our machine isn't working right and you have to wring the clothes out. I can't do it, so I have to wait until he decides that he needs clothes. He doesn't think we need clothes too.

He's on meds but not getting any help. Seeing a counselor is the out come of my shoulder getting hurt, so I don't trust the counselors. I'm worried about him but don't know how to help him.

His depression is hurting all of us. We miss him when he's gone but don't look forward to when he gets home for we don't know who's coming home. When he's down we go down. It breaks our heart knowing he's hurting.

I'm worried if he keeps going the way he is he will loss his daughter. I'm scared of lossing him. He left us for a week in Oct. daughter didn't handle it will. Most kids don't like being left, she still can't forgive him for leaving her.

I'm so frustrated. I'm sick of all the pain from surgery and shoulder pain and all emotionally pain. My heart is breaking to much. We never know if we will do anything to upset him. He just got over a bad bug and now he's down and doesn't spend time with us which makes us feel like he doesn't care or love us.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I have been around depression since I was a kid. It wasn't easy then and still isn't.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Lori ~

    I'm sorry you're going through so much.  Sometimes things just don't seem fair, do they?  You mentioned your husband hurt your shoulder, how did that happen?  I hope he isn't getting physical when he gets down.

    My opinion is perhaps you and your daughter go away for a day or two and bond a little because it seems as though you're all becoming "detached".  You and your daughter deserve to have some happiness.  Your husband, in my opinion sounds like he's acting like a spoiled brat.  Depression is hard, I get that.  I'm depressed as well.  However, I do not go around doing the things your husband is doing.  He's shutting all of you out of his life.  

    This may sound like a game, but you may want to think about taking a break from him and maybe go live with your parents or someone close to you.  Give him that space and my guess, he'll be begging you to come home.  I'm sorry, but I'm getting upset at how he's treating both of you.  You do not deserve that treatment.  He does have to either make a choice to do what he's doing and there's a good possibility taht you and your daughter will leave or he can straighten up and deal with his depression and maintain a good, quality family life.

    Seems like he's using depression for his bad behavior.  I'm sorry if this seems harsh but he has no right to treat you two badly.  He either needs to get some help for himself, and you get some for yourself, both going it alone to a therapist.  When both are strong enough, then do a couple therapy.

    I surely wish you well and luck.  If you ever need  to talk, you can send me a private message and I'll be happy to talk with you.

    Good luck, hun.

    Big hugs to you and your daughter

    Frustrated

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    • Posted

      I have no were to go. No family.

      He grapped my shoulder real hard out of the blue. I hurt my left shoulder in high school. He has never done this before. He ususally is careful with m shoulder but April he snapped.

      Daughter and I get along just fine. Its are hearts that are hurting. I promise if he ever tries to hurt me or our daughter that is it. When he hurt me I didn't throw him out since I knew it was his depression. There won't be a next time, if he tries he's out.

      I don't trust counselors. We feel the same way that he's using his depression to get away with stuff.

      I really have no one to turn too. No family members who care. His mom said I deserved it. I haven't talked to her since April.

      Thanks for caring!

      Lori

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  • Posted

    Hi Lori, You are having to deal with so much and how difficult that is for you and your daughter.Frustrated has said that she is concerned about if your husband is abusing you and i feel the same, depression is not a reason for him to treat you this way. You need help for yourself and your husband is being very selfish. If he is abusing you then get in touch with a helpline, you will need support, it's not good for your daughter to live in this situation. If he hasn't abused you then i am sorry. Spend time with your daughter, go out together, spend quality time.Talk to your husband about your feelings and how difficult life is for you. Ask him to get help, and he does need to help himself to getting support for all your sakes. Thinking of you.

    Elizabeth.

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    • Posted

      He doesn't abuse me. Just grapped me that one time scared him enough that he pulls away from concact. I promise if he tries to hurt me or my daughter he's out.

      He was getting help when he hurt me. So I don't trust them. I do spend time with my daughter. I don't drive. We walk or catch the bus, but with all the medical bills of late we don't have much money.

      Most counselors he called never returned his call. The one he was seeing was horrible. I almost lost my daughter because he said something to her that our daughter didn't say. We are dying inside our hearts can't take much more.

      When he left us for a week in october my daughter felt abanoned and she won't forgive him. I tell her she should. But I can't forgive him for hurting my shoulder, I'm left handed and it was already hurt from a accident in high school.

      Talking to him doesn't help as my daughter says he really doesn't listen or care. Not totally sure if he doesn't care. It just seems we keep going over and over the same stuff.

      I grew up in a house full of abuse and I would never live with a guy that hurt me everyday. Breaking my heart because he's not himself is bad to deal with but he has never hit me. He only hurt me that one time in April, he really doesn't think it as hurting me. He thinks of it as an accident. When you get up and come over to someone and grap them hard that isn't an accident. That's being out of control. What I don't understand when we went to Arizona, Nevada, and California this last summer he was fine. Get home and he's depressed again.

      I hate depression.

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  • Posted

    Lori,

    Depression was one part of the reason for my divorce . Not helped when everyone is stressed and upset. You need to keep a solid relationship with your daughter. I also thick you need to flag up the depression spreading to you and your daughter with your family GP. If your GP is good alarm bell should be ring and he can ask your husband for a review of his meds and get the right support for him and maybe alter the meds. if his mood isnt changing then the meds are as much use as smarties. So clearly they need to try something else.

    Frustrated, The one thing that worried me in you comment is the fact you feel Lori partner is using depression for his bad behaviour. Let just say Depression does things to a person that changes them, if anything he know he not right and will be in a vicious circle of feeling guilty.

    I m not saying you should stay or go but be 100% sure you have exhausted all the available options to you as if your starting to slip in to that then the guilt to you may make you ill. If you're at that point do some serious thinking. As daft as it sound write it all down Pro & Cons, Strength/Weakness/Opportunities/ Threats. I know most people think these are there for business uses but if you got all the fact ( as well as the emotions ) written down you and your husband will at least see why it has to be a particular way, or it might make him strive to change things with counselling or what ever it is he needs to change his moods.

    This man is the father to your daughter, and you married him so you loved him then. My wife divorced me for depression along with other things and whilst there is relief for both of us now, it not been fair on the kids.

    His mother is bang out of order and Im not sure what she is playing at does she know her son is ill. Any way I reiterate the GP needs to know that counsellor are letting him down and the drug arent working

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    • Posted

      Thanks Jimmy!

      I grew up with depression in 3 out 4 people. So when our daughter and I saw signs in him we talked him into going to the doctors. He's been on two meds so far. Second med was upted.

      I'm a stay home mom. I haven't worked since the 90's. I have 6 cats and 4 chickens so I can't just leave. The man I married would never have hurt my shoulder, I know that, that is why I didn't throw him out last April.

      When he left for a week it hurt our daughter really mad, every noise made us jump. She missed him but at the same she was glad he was gone.

      I would talk to almost daily, but daughter wasn't happy with me. I finally said he could come home that Friday night because I do love him and I wanted my husband back, daughter was mad at me, can't blame her been there.

      I haven't talked our gp yet. I have been thinking about it. Husband and I have the same gp. Daughter has her own.

      April was bad. He hurt my shoulder, I had the flu, plus daughter caught it. Then he sprained my shoulder after we got over the flu, he didn't catch the flu.

      I didn't see a doctor for a week. Finally saw my chiropractor. Got help. I have good days and bad days. I can't do everday things that I want and need to do.

      October 23 gt up in major pain, gallstones. Nov. 11 suregery to remove gallbladder. He helped a lot so did our daughter. She's a smart kid and doing extra stuff all this time has become to much.

      She's very angry he left her. Last night she was in our closed patio finding something and he didn't see her and he turned the light off, glass sliding door he should have seen her. Next thing I knew she came in mad and hurt. She dislocated her knee and sprained ankle Dec. 19. So she hurt her left leg, the one already hurt. Still mad today.

      She is in therapy for he leg and I saw a guy in more his shoulder, I recognized the pain. So I went yesterday to see the doctor their and he wants to try therapy on my shoulder, if it doesn't work then I will need surgery. I told my husband on the phone either he was mad or upset with the out come.

      I have no family to rely on. A friend helped me think about stuff in Oct. Told me to follow my heart. I did out come daughter was angry. But I know she loves him. Everything is so missed up..

      I got him piano lessons for Christmas. He called afterwards today and seemed really happy about it.

      His mom is a back stabbing bitch, sorry for the laungage. He knows she is one. He can't trust her words.

      Blood family doesn't care. Friends I grew up with are the only true sisters I have but the are in Georgia and Nevada. I'm in Oregon.

      I try to take things one day at a time. But its hard most days worring about daughter and husband. It was bad enough going under the knife in Nov. knowing if I needed a hospital stay or died she didn't want to live with him. Plus I thought everything was better in Dec. but found out both are faking things. It is so confusing to know what is real and fake. Frustating!

      Doctor gave me a cotasone shut in my left shoulder and it hurts worse then it did hen I went in, feels as bad if not worse then it did in April. Better today but still hurts. I'm left handed!

      I know all of this isn't fair to kids beern there. Deep down she loves him she just needs to try to understand his depression more, hard to explain to a kid, she's 12 but was 10 when it started.

      I'm trying to figure things out but its hard.

      He's the one he brings up divorce, not lately but in May the night before Mothers day he said it, great gift. Made the day bad more me the next day. It wasn't far to our daughter but he broke my heart. Likei said its been hard and confusing. I can't stand when he pulls away.

      Lori

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