I am depressed and lonely and see a way out of it.

Hi Sandra,

I can empathize with you. I had a nightmare of a childhood with every kind of abuse.

I have suffered with depression most of my life. I am 52 now. 

I have started back on medication after having a breakdown in December and spending from mid January to mid May in hospital. 

I am back with my therapist working on finally dealing with my nightmares. 

I have tried different kinds of therapy and medications and I'm not giving up.

Neither should you.

Take some time and care of yourself. You are worth it.

Try something different, as you never know what might work. But you need to deal with your past and free yourself of its weight and damage. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Im learning so much more about myself by doing just that.

Remember you are worth it and you can do this.

Hi Sandra - I second every thing that Laurie has written. I too am a survivor of an abusive childhood and spent decades self medicating with booze and drugs, knowing all along that one day it would come crashing down and I would have to deal with the turmoil inside. It happened at age 46 and it wasn't pretty. I'm 55 now and have run the gauntlet of psychologists/psychiatrists/medications, and found it a frustrating, painful experince - but necessary to move foward.

The first and most important step is to quell the torment of your mind and the most effective way to do so is with medications. Meds are not necessarily addictive, and they generally are not a life-time necessity. Neither are they necessarily addictive. Use of them would be monitered by your doctor, and any changes to dosage or weaning from them will be done safely and gradually. Initially, the meds may cause discomfort as your system adjusts, this will pass, and improvement should be seen in 3-6 weeks. It's important that you continue taking the meds even when you are feeling better. Sudden withdrawal can be dangerous. The meds are a tool, and in cases like ours, should be used in conjunction with therapy. A psychologist would be the best bet - placing a time limit on therapy, like 10 weeks, is unhelpful and unrealistic. Psychological exploration takes as long as it takes and differs with each individual. The meds will even out your mood so you can concentrate on the work that need to be done. that work means digging into your past and dragging out those traumas you have survived. The psychologist will not have answers for you - you have those - he/she will only guide you, helping you to realise that the powerlessness you experinced back then is not the reality now. Bringing out the events is important - one reason we suffer depression is because we have buried pain where it has festered and infected all aspects of our lives. We need to face it and deal with it. Bring it into the light. Recognise it. face it head on. This is done safely in an environment of understanding and guidance. Healing will follow. It will take time. It will be painful. But it will be worth it. Your life will change.

My experience through all this led me to the point where I dispensed with the doctors. I accepted that what was done was done to me, that I wasn't to blame, that I survived it, that no matter how I begged/screamed/raged for answers, reasons, no response would remove the reality or become some sort of magic cure. Eventually I forgave my abusers - but not for them. For me. The events are a part of me, but they don't define me. It is a concious decision, and it takes work because we are addicted to a particular way of feeling and thinking in relation to those traumas. 

As regard your children, all I can suggest is that you first look after yourself. Other things will follow when you are ready for it. It's no good piling blame and expectation on yourself. It is exacerbating your illness. You need help for you. Make that appointment again with the doctor. Talk about your fears where meds are concerned. You will be reassured. Make sure you get a referral to an established psychologist. If you find you are not comfortable with any of the health care professionals you encounter, find another. Your safety and ability to trust them is paramount to a positive outcome. Remember this project is not a permanent endeavor. It's a bridge that will deliver you to a more stable and happier future. Best of luck to you. You are not alone. We are always here to talk.

Another sufferer of an abuseive childhhod here, not only has it resulted in depression amongst other things, but allso Reactive Attachment Disorder so I have never been able to form romantic attachments so have been lonely my whole life. I now have heart trouble as well, (probably as a result of), so I am currently off work and living in total isolation. No answer from me I'm afraid, I dont take the meds as they turn off all my emotions, I consider negative emotions to still be one up from no emotions.