I am just no good

First posting ever on a site where I share personal things. I am kind of desperate, at least for now. Long story short, I'm a 39 year old ex-human man & had a stroke last year. Lost the use of my right leg & arm. After a year of therapy, my leg is coming back a little (I can hobble, but need to rest often) but my hand barely has movement. Which sucks because I was not a bad artist and was finally at a place in my life where I was making decent money after years of false starts and confusion (was I not meant to do this, can I compete, do I deserve this, etc). So I stroked out and now live with my 82 year-old gma and we take care of each other (if you put us together we almost make a whole person). Grew up poor, still poor, we live in a mobile home - it never bothered me before, I don't want for much, just cleanliness and organization, but I was excited to improve our quality of life. Anyway, I was robbed of all that when I got sick, I've been fighting some dark thoughts: worthlessness, crushing lonliness, I cry for no reason, etc. I've gotten good at hiding this from my friends so I don't bum them out, and gma suspects but she is an old school housewife and just pretends it isn't happening. I'm single w/no kids because I gave up on relationships after dating non-stop through my 20s and all of them ending badly. (The final one I was actually in love with, and we were engaged, but after I found out she was cheating, I dumped her and pawned the ring and stayed drunk for a couple years - I break up hard.) I have always had a temper but I have found a happy medium and was able to stop hurting people's feelings by self-punishment, although I find myself screaming into a pillow sobbing in a locked room. I often yell at my gma - she can't hear so good and when she does, she can't relate. I just can't seem to forgive her for being old and I hate myself for it. I read the internet all day or play the one video game I can play with one hand, and am alone with my thoughts which are frankly scaring me. So yeah...can't work, can barely move, can no longer do art - my one passion, I am alone when I'm by myself and alone in a room full of people. We live by a highway off ramp, I often think about just rolling wheelchair on the bridge into the traffic below. I don't want to, but if this is my life forever, what's the f#cking point of existing. I'm no good to anyone or myself physically, and mentally I'm wearing thin. I'm just tired

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