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I am a 21 year old male who has lost most hope in life. Most, because I can't kill myself yet, due to many people feeling bad about me doing it. I cut myself sometimes to stop feeling the pain; however, it always comes back. I am extremely self-centered and can't stop thinking about myself. I fantasize about suicide on a regular basis and there hasn't been a day in a while when I didn't fantasize about killing myself. I am writing this, because I still have hope that maybe I am not such a piece of s*** that I think I am. In all honesty, it brings me joy to help people and whenever I feel more or less well, I feel sorry for many of them. Of course, this, then brings even more pain.
I am still a virgin, I had a chance to lose my virginity, but I couldn't have sex with her, I didn't feel like she was right for me. It's awful to say that... I know. I am not that attractive, even though my mom tells me I am. Girls do not usually talk to me that often, sometimes I get a chance, but I screw it most of the time. I met a girl, that I really liked (loved, most likely), but she is going through some serious stuff of her own and is not looking for anything. I want to say that if she is happy I am happy, but I can't. I cry, because I realize that I can't have her. What type of ahole am I? She doesn't want me to kill myself. We are friends. At the same time, I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I don't blame her, to be honest. I wouldn't want to talk to me, as well. I can't masturbate often, even though I realize that I need it. Maybe 2 times in 2 weeks, if I could reach orgasm, but lately I couldn't even do that.
About the girl, she is so beautiful. I didn't like her that much before we met. But after we met, she would invite me to her dorm to hang out and stuff and I felt happy. She tried inviting me to her room and I felt like refusing, because I don't want to make her unhappy -- although, I think it was just a joke. I have a friend, who is really attractive and they always talk with each other -- I feel envious (I don't want to feel it). Yesterday, at the party, at my house -- I decided to go outside to basically feel sorry for myself. My friend and her went out to see me and talk to me. She explained that a lot of people love me. That was a surprise for me, I didn't know that anyone loves me (besides my mom). She started saying that she feels awful about herself, because she doesn't have any talents, like me or my friend -- even though I am not that talented. She started tearing up and my friend started tearing up -- I couldn't cry, I felt her pain, but I couldn't feel it at the same time. My friend told her that there is god watching over us and that we suffer to make the world a better place. I agree with him, I think... I hope. She was talking about her awful life and problems (I don't want to talk about them, here) and he talked about his. I've noticed how she was looking at him and it brought me pain. I didn't want that to be the case. I wanted them to be happy together, but my brain (stupid white, gray neuronal mass of garbage) was jealous of that. All of the attention focused on me. I couldn't take it anymore, so I showed her the portrait that I made of her. I think she liked it. However, I realized it was a mistake. Confessing my feelings like that. I am such an awful human being.
After the party, they went back to their place and she called him, but due to him being a nice guy he invited me as well (there were other people with us). He knows that I am in love with her. He didn't want me to feel the pain. I guess it was obvious that I was pretending to be happy. They went into her room, but he dragged me in. I felt awful and was trying to get out of there. I forced myself and other people to leave, even though I knew I didn't want to, but the heart told me if she is happy with him, then I am happy. I went back home and cried for at least 15 minutes in my bed. All the self-hate came out and I felt immensely sorry for myself.
So now, here I am typing this essay, when I can actually do productive work. I would kill myself, in all honesty, but apparently others will follow my path if I do that and what kind of person would I be after that. I hate myself.
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