I am lost...
Posted , 5 users are following.
I am a 21 year old male who has lost most hope in life. Most, because I can't kill myself yet, due to many people feeling bad about me doing it. I cut myself sometimes to stop feeling the pain; however, it always comes back. I am extremely self-centered and can't stop thinking about myself. I fantasize about suicide on a regular basis and there hasn't been a day in a while when I didn't fantasize about killing myself. I am writing this, because I still have hope that maybe I am not such a piece of s*** that I think I am. In all honesty, it brings me joy to help people and whenever I feel more or less well, I feel sorry for many of them. Of course, this, then brings even more pain.
I am still a virgin, I had a chance to lose my virginity, but I couldn't have sex with her, I didn't feel like she was right for me. It's awful to say that... I know. I am not that attractive, even though my mom tells me I am. Girls do not usually talk to me that often, sometimes I get a chance, but I screw it most of the time. I met a girl, that I really liked (loved, most likely), but she is going through some serious stuff of her own and is not looking for anything. I want to say that if she is happy I am happy, but I can't. I cry, because I realize that I can't have her. What type of ahole am I? She doesn't want me to kill myself. We are friends. At the same time, I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I don't blame her, to be honest. I wouldn't want to talk to me, as well. I can't masturbate often, even though I realize that I need it. Maybe 2 times in 2 weeks, if I could reach orgasm, but lately I couldn't even do that.
About the girl, she is so beautiful. I didn't like her that much before we met. But after we met, she would invite me to her dorm to hang out and stuff and I felt happy. She tried inviting me to her room and I felt like refusing, because I don't want to make her unhappy -- although, I think it was just a joke. I have a friend, who is really attractive and they always talk with each other -- I feel envious (I don't want to feel it). Yesterday, at the party, at my house -- I decided to go outside to basically feel sorry for myself. My friend and her went out to see me and talk to me. She explained that a lot of people love me. That was a surprise for me, I didn't know that anyone loves me (besides my mom). She started saying that she feels awful about herself, because she doesn't have any talents, like me or my friend -- even though I am not that talented. She started tearing up and my friend started tearing up -- I couldn't cry, I felt her pain, but I couldn't feel it at the same time. My friend told her that there is god watching over us and that we suffer to make the world a better place. I agree with him, I think... I hope. She was talking about her awful life and problems (I don't want to talk about them, here) and he talked about his. I've noticed how she was looking at him and it brought me pain. I didn't want that to be the case. I wanted them to be happy together, but my brain (stupid white, gray neuronal mass of garbage) was jealous of that. All of the attention focused on me. I couldn't take it anymore, so I showed her the portrait that I made of her. I think she liked it. However, I realized it was a mistake. Confessing my feelings like that. I am such an awful human being.
After the party, they went back to their place and she called him, but due to him being a nice guy he invited me as well (there were other people with us). He knows that I am in love with her. He didn't want me to feel the pain. I guess it was obvious that I was pretending to be happy. They went into her room, but he dragged me in. I felt awful and was trying to get out of there. I forced myself and other people to leave, even though I knew I didn't want to, but the heart told me if she is happy with him, then I am happy. I went back home and cried for at least 15 minutes in my bed. All the self-hate came out and I felt immensely sorry for myself.
So now, here I am typing this essay, when I can actually do productive work. I would kill myself, in all honesty, but apparently others will follow my path if I do that and what kind of person would I be after that. I hate myself.
2 likes, 6 replies
patient_mod2 Mitas
Posted
Hi Mitas
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
hikiaru Mitas
Posted
youre not useless and i love you
hypercat Mitas
Posted
You hate yourself? Why when so many people love you? What's so awful about you that you have to hate yourself? You sound like a pretty caring guy to me so be proud of that.
As for the girl you might be in lust but love takes a lot longer than that. If you do get together with her don't whatever you do confess your love as this would probably drive her right away. You need to concentrate on getting to know her better as she clearly likes you. Not everyone is so shallow to only go on looks you know. People like others they feel comfortable and at ease with and whom are happy in their own skin. You hating yourself is just going to drive others away. x
Mitas hypercat
Posted
First of all, thank you for replying and I really appreciate this.
You asked me why I hate myself, when so many people love me? Do you know that if I had a genie here with me and I had one wish to make, I would wish for everyone to forget about my existence forever. I hate myself for feeling what I don't want to be feeling. I am talking about rage, anger all the evil ideas I have in my brain -- I want it gone. How would I make it disappear? I've tried everything from meditation to medications. No results! I still have dreams about killing someone close to me that I love. Still have dreams about feeling angry towards everyone and doing really awful stuff to people. I still wake up in sweat and horror. How can I not hate myself after that? How can I go into someone's bedroom, especially a person that I so deeply care about and expect everything to be normal. I know I am an awful human being. I know that I was born to be evil. I know that the only solution is to die. But, I can't even fg do that... Because everyone for some fg reason loves me!!!
hypercat Mitas
Posted
What you are talking about is fairly normal. We all have dreams like this from time to time but they are only dreams. There is a vast difference between dreams and reality. You should see some of my dreams!
You are only an awful human being if you carry out any of these activities and I presume you don't. You are human and not a computer to be programmed you know and we all have a less than desirable side to us. This is exactly what makes us human and we all have to live and come to terms with our dark sides. You are not different to others or anywhere near unique.
Are you getting any counselling? If not why not try it. x
sam18386 Mitas
Posted
Hi mitas, i can only say this, i can understand you feel exceptionally low, i can understand you want to go. Have you made plans to take your life, if so how? You are not very well
I tried this earlier this year and i am still here now. If i can't go neither can you. At the young age you are you have so much to live for. Concentrate on your future 1 day at a time if you have to. Wish you luck, keep writing on here. We'll listen.