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I am new to forums, but would love some input/advise

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Vaper2015
Vaper2015

Hi all. I have never been a member in a forum before, so please bear with me as this is all very new to me. I would just like to know if anyone else experiences what I experience, or anything similar.

I have suffered with depression for many many years, I am a 39 year old female. I have always managed to work and maintain some kind of "normal" life on and off medication. 4.5 years ago I had an accident on an ice-rink and ruptured my ACL and PCL ligaments (main ligaments that hold knee together). NHS told me the pain I felt was "in my head, and it is normal for people with depression". For over a year I was hobbling around in agony, I had to give up my Uni place ( mature student) and could no longer drive. The medical staff made me feel like I was faking it, and it did some damage to my already depressed state of mind. After a year I finally told them if they didn't put a camera in my knee to investigate it thoroughly I would go private and sue them if anything was found ( was a bluff as I was now unemployed on benefits). They investigated my knee and discovered the damge so i had total ligament replacement x2 . Due to the fact it had been left so long, my knee had "deformed" as in it won't bend fully and won't straighten fully, I walk with a heavy limp and take painkillers few times a day ( Strong ones). I stayed on disabilty for 3 years, and I became agoraphobic, and literally didn't leave my house. I sank into deep depression and trusted no one. Anyway, 1.5 years ago I started my own company from home ( by pure accident by the way) and it grew so fast, I now have staff and work from a warehouse unit. My problem is I still feel miserable... I know that sounds weird, I should be happy with what I have and what I have achieved, but everyday I still struggle, I cry non stop, and still do not go out very much unless it is to work, and even some days that is hard. People tell me I " have nothing to be depressed about" and it has lead me to "pretend I am ok".. I feel like I am being ungrateful. For years I had dreamed of owning my own business, and I worked extrtemely hard to get it, but I still feel so empty every day. I have been put back on Mirtazapine 30mg 10 days ago and I actually think my crying is slowing down, I also think my mind is working differently, but I still have an emptyness I can't get rid of. Does anyone else feel this way, no matter what you have in your life, and whom you have around you, do you still feel empty? I would really appreciate any shared experiences from you. Thank you for reading. Kind regards Michelle

4 likes, 40 replies

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  • norma72045
    norma72045 Vaper2015

    Posted

    Hi, not much I can add to that, apart from some years ago when I was going through a Depresstion episode,my GP told me there is always something behind Depresstion ,which at the time I couldn't think what.  Anyway he sent me to see a psychiatrist after a few sessions we got to the point, and sure enough once I'd sorted the issue out I was fine.  ( needless to say this phsyciatrist was very good ) I stil have times when I'm really down but when I relate to the course I can usually pick myself up.  I'm not saying you feel the same, but one thing you've got in common with me is you take responsibility for your own health.( meaning your knee ) I think the medical profestionals can only do so much for Depresstion the rest is up to you. One thing you said 
  • norma72045
    norma72045 Vaper2015

    Posted

    Sorry I lost it as I was saying one thing you said is you don't think you've got anything to really complain about you should be happy.  Well no no no if your in pain plus Depresstion you've got plenty to complain about.  I hope I've been of little comfort to you.  Take Care.  And keep posting you may get some better help.
    • Vaper2015
      Vaper2015 norma72045

      Posted

      Hi Norma :-)

      Thank you so much for your comments, they make perfect sense. I feel I always apologise for my sadness, as I should have so much to be thankful for, but I guess you are right, there is always an underlying reason. To look at it that way, it would mean Depression is actually a symptom of something much deeper? This makes more sense to me :-) . I am having CBT at the moment ( privately) and I am hoping it will benefit me, I am already thinking things through differently. I hope you are feeling somewhat better as time goes on. :-)

    • norma72045
      norma72045 Vaper2015

      Posted

      Glad to have been some help,I think you will find CBT very rewarding. Keep us in touch, let us know how you get on.   Take Care
  • pablopicasso
    pablopicasso Vaper2015

    Posted

    I feel empty a lot of the time, mirtazapine definite sedates you. I guess the theory is if keeps you level but you inevitably can't feel the highs so much. Obviously none if the drugs are a cure, it just takes a while to find one you feel reasonably normal on.
    • Vaper2015
      Vaper2015 pablopicasso

      Posted

      Oh, I wonder if my Tramadol and Dihydracodeine pain killers stem the "high" of Mirtazipine? That might be something I can discuss with my GP. Thank you.
  • pixie22
    pixie22 Vaper2015

    Posted

    I'm no expert and I wouldn't presume to analyse the reasons for your depression. I just wonder if there could be an element of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in your present mental health problems? The knee injury and it's aftermath were obviously a traumatic experience for you, and you are still living with the effects, a constant reminder. PTSD can apparently strike months, even years after the event. It's just a suggestion. I had a serious emergency operation, and I nearly died, but it was several months after I'd recovered (as much as I ever will) that i started getting terrible panic attacks and fits of crying, for no reason, just random. GP said it was from the trauma and gave me tranquillisers to help.

    I hope you can sort it out.

    • Vaper2015
      Vaper2015 pixie22

      Posted

      Oh my goodness, that's was a terrible thing you went through! I couldn't even imagine going through that. That is another angle I haven't yet explored, so thank you for the comments. I know for sure I feel angry that Dr's didn't believe me, it made me go crazy as they kept telling me the pain was in my head, so I thought " what if it really is?" . Our minds are a strange thing aren't they. I hope you are doing better now .
  • NickOliver
    NickOliver Vaper2015

    Posted

    I am not clear whether you are actually being treated for any psychiatric condition and.if so, what are you taking for it.

    If the answer is yes, are you being treated by your GP or by a psychiatrist?

    Even if not, I would ask to see a counsellor - you should have access to this through your GP.

    You might go to your local group of the Depression Alliance - I don't think you have to be clinically diagnosed for depression etc.

    Much of their monthly or twice-monthly meetings are devoted to a check-in like AA. There are a lot of people in the same boat as you and talking about it with others is a great help.

    Please keep in touch!

    Nick

    • Vaper2015
      Vaper2015 NickOliver

      Posted

      Hi Nik,

      Thank you for your comment. I have had several therapists from the NHS in the past, but as we are all aware, they only run for a certain amount of time. I am now paying privately for CBT with a psychologist in my area. She is approaching it from a different angle, whereby she goes right back to my childhood and moves through the years. I had a very violent upbringing by my step-father, and felt no protection from my Mother. I have never spoken about it with friends, I brush everything under the carpet. It has made me strong and determined, however I feel empty and sad most of the time. My GP put me back on medication after my last appointment as I was lethargic and not wanting to go to work etc. I have my fingers crossed they will work. :-)

    • NickOliver
      NickOliver Vaper2015

      Posted

      I hope that you find your CBT works. You say that the psychologist is ging back to your childhood. I am personally surprised that the CBT is taking yu back to your chikdhood. I thought that CBT just dealt with getting you to do things and therefore become more positive about yourself.
    • Vaper2015
      Vaper2015 NickOliver

      Posted

      Hi Nick

      Yes I was also suprised, as previous CBT has only trained me to view situations differently etc. However my new therapist stated this type of CBT takes you back, and enables the therapist to "put themselves in your shoes" they then walk you through to present date, touching upon any issues that give me the most emotional reaction. They then help to show us how to deal with it better. Sort of makes sense. She described the old CBT as " merely papering over old cracks" and this new way ( recently developed) helps to "fix it". Only time will tell I guess.

    • pablopicasso
      pablopicasso Vaper2015

      Posted

      I had 2 years of CBT but my therapist said he actively avoided digging up past traumas as they prefer to focus on dealing with the future. CBT is great but you need the willpower to apply it every day. When you get acutely depressed this becomes far more difficult to do and you become more reliant on meds/family support to pull you through.
  • tara6744
    tara6744 Vaper2015

    Posted

    Hi Michelle, I was also new to forums when I started in December but having commented on a few threads I now am notified to comments and new discussions and find it very helpful. I looked as had rapid weight gain with the Mirt. and it was comforting to know that it wasn't just me.

    Anyway, I'm 28 and have been suffering from anxiety and depression for about 7 years when I realised there was something wrong and went to the doctor. I have tried a number of counselling services and have yet to find the right 'treatment' but I am still perservering! I have always been an incredibly emotional person - crying regularly at minor things and getting frustrated if I can't do something! However, I changed to mirt at the beginning of December and after some time of feeling very dazed throughout the day I now am very much on the mend. Feeling how I used to and sleeping well and haven't cried since then, which is unheard of.

    I also felt it was wrong to feel like this - when I first told my parents they were shocked and they still don't understand. I also recently met up with some school friends who I haven't seen for ages and they were surprised as I was always seen as the strong, confident type at school. This sounds odd to me as I have always had a problem with social situations but I guess I have always disguised it well.

    I have progressed well within my job but it doesn't really give me any satisfaction and I feel daily like I have to prove myself as I don't feel I deserve to be where I am. I have been signed off work since October now with work related stress and anxiety due to silly long hours and working myself into the ground. Even though I looking for other jobs but I don't have much ambition. Also, I am in a long term relationship and have some amazing close friends but I still feel not good enough and always feel the need to prove myself.

    Anyway, I'm trying to explain my situation to show that you are very much NOT alone. If I had lots of money I would go and see a psychologist as I am not very good at talking or understanding how I feel and a friend went and said she sussed everything from the point of being 5 minutes late for the appointment. However, I am on the waiting list for local CBT and I am hoping this will help.

    I hope you get some consolation from my reply and I'm sure there will be other people replying like myself. Take care

    • Vaper2015
      Vaper2015 tara6744

      Posted

      Hi Tara

      Thank you for your comment. My goodness you hit the nail right on the head with a few of your comments! Not feeling good enough, or that you shouldn't be where you are in terms of career etc. I sometimes sit in my office and look around me, feeling like I am a fraud, and that I will be found out that I don't really know how to run a company. I also feel like it will be taken away from me at any monent. Very odd isn't it? My therapist said it is because I don't think I deserve it. 

      I am sorry to hear you have been off work recenlty with stress, but I hope your employer is supportive, and I hope you feel better soon.

      I have heard weight can be gained when taking Mirt, as it is also prescribed for people that do not have an appetite ( as I didn't ) I have noticed that I feel hungry most of the time. I think I will have to keep an eye on my eating habits haha :-)

      Kind regards

      Michelle

    • tara6744
      tara6744 Vaper2015

      Posted

      Michelle - I am so glad you can relate to some of my comments. Unfortunately, my employer is not being at all supportive and I am having to go through the HR department but that's a long story. I constantly felt I was being judged at work and anticipating any negative comments. I have a very understanding doctor and he thinks its because I don't think I deserve it. This is alot to do with how I have been brought up - I am an only child and feel the need to succeed, otherwise deemed a failure and as I am the only one there is noone to fall back on - sounds very odd when I put it like that!

      I put on a stone in the first 3 weeks but that was not helped by Christmas and not working as I had a very active job. I now go to the gym and so I hope to shift it. This was on the GP exercise referral scheme with my local gym where I get a written plan to help me stick to the exercise. This will hopefully help but I know it is not the root of my problem.

      If ever you get low then just comment and we can all help each other out, Tara

    • Vaper2015
      Vaper2015 tara6744

      Posted

      My goodness, your situation & feelings etc sound so similar to mine. I want to say it feels nice knowing i'm not alone in feeking this way, but that sounds as though I wish bad feelings onto others, but you know what I mean :-)

      Sorry to hear your employer isn't being supportive, I understand that can make matters worse.

      Fantastic that you are going to the gym, it just shows your inner strength & your ability to change situations you aren't happy with.

      Hope you "drop that stone" in no time, as i'm sure you will :-)

    • tara6744
      tara6744 Vaper2015

      Posted

      That's why I wanted to reply and completely understand your feelings and wanted you to know other people feel it. I have a very supportive boyfriend who has been there and that has been a huge comfort to me knowing I'm not crazy! So of course you can be glad I'm in the same situation! It's ok I have a sense of humour. All the best and I am interested to hear your story along the way with CBT
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