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I began beating myself up

Posted , 4 users are following.

CliffordRex
CliffordRex

Throughout my high school year, I'd probably considered myself as a loner, weirdo, failure, and different.

First of all, english is not my first language.

I failed all my quizzes and tests

I never made any friends with anyone because I was always afraid that they'd laugh at my stupidity

I was a loner, therfore during lunch.. I'd spend half my time waiting for the bus and half my time waiting for the bus that goes back to my school.

Throughout that 4 years of my high school years, my hands were always sweaty and shaky, and that's when I realized that I had depression and anxiety.

On the first day of my seniors, I got to my regular english classroom with my native speaker classmates ( I've worked so hard to get to this level from ESL).. I was sitting there when one of my classmates came in and looked at me "oh, am I in the right classroom?". That comment still haunts me today. However, I didn't let that comment ruin my last year of chance.

During my senior year, I looked back at myself and I got to tell you, I wasn't happy with what I saw. Therefore, during my last year of highschool, I began being friendly and talkative... but I still failed all my tests and quizzes.

Talking to my classmates became difficult for me, because I began repeating all the sentences I said in my head. judging whether they were harmful or they didn't make sense at all. I kept repeating that throughout my senior year, and I got to be honest here... it really made my english weaker. What I meant by that is, I over corrected myself so much that... I became so picky with my words. I forgot to mention, english is not my first language... but I was really good at it.. until my senior years.

Now that I graduated, I am very happy! I am working now at my dad's work... amd I am going to college on April. However! now that I am not doing anything, bad memories always pops up in my head, mostly about my highschool years. Now everytime a bad memory comes back, I shake my head so fast like I'm having a seizure, this way.. I get to shake them bad memories off my head. However.. that is no longer working for me... I just recently began punching my head instead, and sometimes banging my head onto something soft.

I was quite happy that I was strong throughout my highschool years, but... it seems like that"strength" is getting weaker... and it feels like this depression is now taking over my life.

0 likes, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • CliffordRex
    CliffordRex

    Posted

    Here's a small sentence I've been thinking about "Instead of learning from my mistakes, I began punching my head instead."

    My head is a mess ... literally.. I couldn't even complete my sentences anymore.

    I forgot to mention in my  discussion. Right now, I've gathered every tools I could to make a project. The reason why I'm planning to do a project is because, I want to learn new things, and other than that, I want to stop thinking about my bad memories. However, I doubt that'd happen... no matter what I do, bad memories will always come back, randomly.

  • hypercat
    hypercat CliffordRex

    Posted

    Hi firstly you couldn't have failed all your quizzes and tests if you graduated could you?  You passed the most important one.  

    It sounds like you might be suffering from depression so you need to go to the doctors and tell them what is happening.  Meds and/or counselling should help you come to terms with your bad memories.  Good luck x

    • CliffordRex
      CliffordRex hypercat

      Posted

      I'm sorry i was so focused on writing negative things about my life.. that I even meticulously wrote down "failed all". I didn't fail everything.. I actually  ended up graduating on time. However, there were too many things happened that still hurts me today.
  • irwin_lifecoach
    irwin_lifecoach CliffordRex

    Posted

    Hi Clifford, thanks for sharing your "stuff"

    In my professional experience, if we as humans do not work through

    our problems real, or imagined to a positive conclusion, we are always

    going to suffer.

    Depression is anger turned inward, it's when all of our issue's become

    fixed into our subconscious, and because we haven't been aware of the

    consequences of not working through, or getting some kind of professional

    help.

    prolonged sadness, anger, frustration, and loneliness all have their root

    cause in issues that have been suppressed.

    If you peal the layers of some of the problems you mention in your post

    can you verily say you have worked through them all to a positive

    conclusion?

    One of my recent post entitled "recommended reading" might be useful

    for you to look at.

    All the best

    Irwin.

  • richard89308
    richard89308 CliffordRex

    Posted

    a great many people have a hard time in school so you are not the only one suffering.  Try and put it down to experience and don't be so hard on yourself about learning a second language.  Many others don't know diddly about other languages or cultures. So keep strong and chin up.

    Richard

  • rachel1970
    rachel1970 CliffordRex

    Posted

    Hi I was also a loner at school ,was picked on in school as well as in my home,i did poorly in school as i was thick ,ive had a few bad experiences in my life but Ive had some good ones to and even thou i have depression now again,we all have to stay positive and think we want to have a brighter future.
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