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Throughout my high school year, I'd probably considered myself as a loner, weirdo, failure, and different.
First of all, english is not my first language.
I failed all my quizzes and tests
I never made any friends with anyone because I was always afraid that they'd laugh at my stupidity
I was a loner, therfore during lunch.. I'd spend half my time waiting for the bus and half my time waiting for the bus that goes back to my school.
Throughout that 4 years of my high school years, my hands were always sweaty and shaky, and that's when I realized that I had depression and anxiety.
On the first day of my seniors, I got to my regular english classroom with my native speaker classmates ( I've worked so hard to get to this level from ESL).. I was sitting there when one of my classmates came in and looked at me "oh, am I in the right classroom?". That comment still haunts me today. However, I didn't let that comment ruin my last year of chance.
During my senior year, I looked back at myself and I got to tell you, I wasn't happy with what I saw. Therefore, during my last year of highschool, I began being friendly and talkative... but I still failed all my tests and quizzes.
Talking to my classmates became difficult for me, because I began repeating all the sentences I said in my head. judging whether they were harmful or they didn't make sense at all. I kept repeating that throughout my senior year, and I got to be honest here... it really made my english weaker. What I meant by that is, I over corrected myself so much that... I became so picky with my words. I forgot to mention, english is not my first language... but I was really good at it.. until my senior years.
Now that I graduated, I am very happy! I am working now at my dad's work... amd I am going to college on April. However! now that I am not doing anything, bad memories always pops up in my head, mostly about my highschool years. Now everytime a bad memory comes back, I shake my head so fast like I'm having a seizure, this way.. I get to shake them bad memories off my head. However.. that is no longer working for me... I just recently began punching my head instead, and sometimes banging my head onto something soft.
I was quite happy that I was strong throughout my highschool years, but... it seems like that"strength" is getting weaker... and it feels like this depression is now taking over my life.
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