I can't bare this :(

Hey curtis xx was sad reading your post xx u can always open up on here its easier i found as you dont know the ppl your talking to. X i had a major depressive episode in oct time ish still ongoing. Felt superb turned a corner then the last day or so crashed a bit xx hate it. Had massive panic attack today? Anxietys really high & my migraines are worse than ever. But u have hope ive had lots of good days just a few rotten apples spoilt the cart so to speak. Ill get there curtis. U can too xxx

Curtis, you probably suffer enough with the depression symptoms but dont let the "stigma" of bi-polar or autism add to your low feelings. Attitudes have changed many Brilliant most minds have been attributed to both.

Its not a stigma its a sign of what makes you unique and interesting.

Hi Curtis firstly you have amazing bravery I don't know anything about bi-polar or what it's like to suffer from it so I'd not dare patronise you with words of advice on a issue I don't know anything about.

I do know about having ppl around and yet no-one to talk to tho I not sure if it's because as you state you don't know if they will believe you or like me you hate to burden ppl I mean when's the right time to bring things up hey? We wait and wait but the times never the right time I'm sure you know what I mean then enough time passes and it becomes impossible to express yourself you acted so brave and tough in front of these ppl how can you sit there and reveal your not that strong person they think you are.

It's hard I totally get that you have been bullied right so your a tough cookie you've had to be the biggest most deceiving masks are our smiles and persona of untouchable we all have our Achilles heel tho right

It's just a suggestion but maybe think of starting off a journal you know it doesn't have to be an everyday entry thing just when you feel like your going to explode with emotion or if some thing happens that different it'll enable you to vent those emotions and maybe ease those teary nights a little sometimes I find I don't need to tell somebody I just need to express it if you then ever feel like I've got to explain this to somebody or a dr or a therapist you can use this book to help you describe how you felt at that time there's nothing worse than sitting there feeling ok and someone saying how did that feel and not being able to find the words that express it you know what I mean

If you don't feel like you can talk to ppl you can say look I have a book here this is how I've been feeling for the last few months or whatever it gives them a clear onsite into you without having to look into the eyes of the person it hurts sometimes to seem them in in pain as they realise they don't know you at all sometimes it easier to allow they to read that and digest what's being said I find ppl can be more receptive to reading information as they take it in at their own pace

You keep in touch let us know how you get on thinking of you hope all goes well

Hi Curtis - sorry to read how hard things have been for you. You are a survivor. You have achieved significant weight loss which would have had all sorts of positive outcomes for you. You are a likeable person in spite of the trauma of being bullied which could have caused all sorts of bitterness towards others if you had a llowed it. But you didn't. Instead, like many of us with depressive disorders, you have turned the anger and hurt inward and it has undermined your well being. We are also excellent at pretending everything's okay smiling at everyone while hanging on to sanity by our fingernails.  I am wondering what happened with your breakdown in January - did you seek medical help? Were you prescribed anything? Was there a counsellor, therapist or psychologist made available to you? Super has posted good advice about keeping a journal and about having a therapist. You need someone to talk to, someone who understands and will not dismiss you, someone who will be able to teach you coping skills in a safe place where you can say whatever you want, someone and somewhere that is seperate from your social life, a place you can go when you need that support, giving you that stability that comes from knowing there is somewhere to turn and you are not alone. When you have found that, and are comfortable in it, you should find relief from crying yourself to sleep each night. Meanwhile, we are always here to talk to. 

You just described my life growing up too.. I’m constantly fighting depression every other day. It doesn’t go away I’m constantly stuck in this loop of depression. I’m assuming I got bi polar I’m always sad, depress, angry, and depress.. It’s not like I’m not trying to fight this depression I tried doing a lot of positive things to balance out the negatives thoughts in my head in hope that one day I will beat this depression. I tried eating healthy, exercise, doing outdoor activities, going out with friends every once in a while even though I want to be alone at home doing nothing. I thought being alone at home doing nothing is just my depression in my mind talking so I force myself to go out. I tried to go to work, make money, save up, and travel like normal people, but I’m still sad. I’m come to realize that I’m not normal and I have to accept that I’m different. So now I just light up a cigarette and listen to the song by G eazy me myself and I and smoke..

Btw if you need someone to talk to you can message me.