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I'm not really sure if I have depression. I've never been diagnosed by a professional. I've read a lot of things and I have most if not all of the symptoms usually listed. I have troubles sleeping and when I do I don't sleep very well. After I wake up, sometimes I'll spend hours in bed. I'm tired all the time. My hands shake like crazy (I get people asking if I have Parkinson's). I hate a majority of things and every thing I do just makes me miserable. I think about things that make me happy and I start crying. The only time I remotely touch the surface of happiness is when I forget about everything. I've missed so many days of school and going to work just drains me. I do poorly at school when I do go because I can't concentrate from how tired I am. I can't remember anything and it's getting to the point where it's embarrassing. I've felt a lot of these things since I was 15 and I'm 21 now. The only one that has been some what recent is my missing school, but that's been followed by this weird physical sickness I have. My life is generally good if I thought of it from an outward perspective. I have two parents who love me. I have a great relationship with my sister. I have a job and I get a fair amount of hours at . I'm not terribly poor because I live with my parents (I have to pay for school and we have money problems sometimes but that's not so bad that it makes me feel insanely crippled). I have a few friends who are good to me and I love them. I realize I have a lot of opportunities in life. I have nothing to be sad about, but I think about my life and I become sad and angry. I have really bad days where I sum up my life and I feel no desire to live it. I've planned my death so many times. I love many people in my life and I don't wanna do that. I have many bad days where all I think about is dying and how sh*tty I am as a person and I think deep down inside I don't want to be this way. I've talked to my friends about how I feel and even my sister (which I don't feel so good about doing). Nothing really helps me. I don't wanna die hurting people. I've tried so many times to help myself. Now, I've gotten to the point where all I do is just make things harder for myself and I hate myself for doing it. Then, I get angry with myself more and it just becomes this miserable circle where I feel like a self-centred nothing. I disgust myself. I feel like I'm an unappreciative brat. I don't wanna be like this. I can't control it anymore. The days between my normal days and my bad days are getting shorter and shorter. I want to improve or at least not get worse and continuously make things harder for myself.
I've read a lot about how to get better and many of them say to talk to like a professional. I love my parents but they are terribly traditional and don't understand or believe in "mental illnesses". I know that sounds really weird, but it's just how they think. I live with them so it makes things a little complicated. I would have to go to see someone out of my own time and pocket money (which I don't have too much of). My parents always ask me where I am if I go out and I hate lying to them. It doesn't help that I'm kinda scared to talk to anyone about this seriously. I'm not quite sure what to do at all. I don't know what the best decision is for me. I really don't know what to do except for keep trying. I'm 21 and I feel like I've done nothing with my life but feel like this. I don't want this. I never did, but I can't even control anything anymore. What should I do?
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