I Don't Know What To Do (Depression/Anxieties)

Posted , 6 users are following.

I honestly do not know how to start this... 

I'm going through high school, and I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel many days of sadness per month, I feel miserable and I cry at least once every other day. The thoughts going through my head are somethings similiar to, "I'm worthless", "Nobody cares about me", and "I'm a failure". People who care would without a doubt contradict that, yet I feel like no one would. Deep down I know someone would, but my emotions take the best of me, and soonly I'm a blubbering mess who doesn't know how to gather up the courage to go up to someone and ask for help. Since I have zero social skills, it takes me forever to think of putting the right words in the right places in sentences to not make it seem like I mean the wrong thing, but then having me stammer throughout the entire sentence. After I've said something I didn't mean to a family member, afterwards I feel like they don't want me around, that they don't love me anymore. I've had these thoughts when I was younger as well...

Whenever I said something awful to a family member, a huge wave of guilt and regret fell over me. I used to right letters or notes saying I ran away from home, when really I hid somewhere I could hear their conversations. Once I found out that they still cared, I'd reveal where I was and apologized.

But now, I feel like I don't need proof to tell that people care about me or not. I just always assume that I'm selfish and worthless, that I don't deserve what I have. A family that loves me, a good home... yet I can't feel happiness from that. I'm drawing further away from my family, yet I don't know why. I just feel terrible and can't help but weep in my room alone, as I assume if I call for help, no one would come. 

I can't trust anyone anymore...

I talked to my grandmother about my problems, she claims she would help me, but never brought it up again but instead told everybody about our discussion. My mother brushed it off as a phase, so did my grandma, while my sister gave advice that sounded really dismissive, "Go make some friends". Which is really hard for me to do....

I don't have friends, I really don't. Not because of my "illness", but because I chose not to have them. I've been constantly been disappointed by the company  and personalities of my peers, scared that I will get betrayed again (which happened to every other friend I had). I'm also  scared of embarassing myself and being judged by others. And apparently by my logic, if I avoid people, there's a higher chance of me not embarassing myself, yet it still happens anyway. Hell, I couldn't even walk my dog one day, without having a feeling of someone looking at me.

Once I make a mistake, I want to immediately flee the situation, call myself a fool and cry in the washroom for five minutes.

Once more and more symtoms of a mental illness started to show, I took two tests, one about despression, the other about social anxiety. Once I got the results, I cried. For hours. I couldn't get over the fact that I have something that I don't know how to control. 

I feel like once you've found out that there's something wrong with you, you get more miserable once you've discovered it.

I'm not currently going through therapy, I fear that once I enter a therapist's office, I would immediately start crying. Also, it's expensive!

A highschooler like me would not have +$150 floating around in their pockets. I'm not currently taking medication either...

I don't know what to do , will it get worst? Is there really something wrong with me? I know absolutely nothing about psychology or anything like this! I'm begging for help...

1 like, 8 replies

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    I feel so sad that when i see younger people on here that suffer and im sure because of your age some would say "its your age", "your homornes" ect Im even young people can suffer. sorry that you arnt being taken seriously maybe your family dont understand on how to help. i see you are in america or somewhere like that has you are having to pay for treatments we are so lucky in england we have free healthcare at the moment! is there a teacher who you can confide in sometimes by confiding in them they have to take action. I ont know your family situation my lovely but if you can try again with your mom/dad /siblings they may look at it differently for you. sometimes by just talking this can help immensely life is very precious my love please talk with your family again I hope you can get the support you need 
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  • Posted

    I hope the therapy helps you. you may have clinical depression.
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  • Posted

    So sorry to hear of your plight. There are millions of us who suffer badly from the same kind of feelings that you have AT THE MOMENT. It does seem like you need help from the medical people and they can give you something to relieve your symptoms. Is there a local group near you with similar thoughts who meet and support each other. Thinking of you. Take cae
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  • Posted

    AINSLEY! Stop looking for help because you've just found it. Us. We on this forum care about one another, support one another, and keep in touch with one another.

    I have four children. My youngest, Jerry, went through exactly the same things you're going through.

    My heart is breaking for you - this is one of the saddest posts I've ever seen on this site.

    As you're in the US, don't your parents have health insurance that would pay for your therapy? I confess I don't know how the system works in the US, but if you went to your doctor and asked for a referral, would that be covered by the health insurance? Please clarify that because you'd be surprised how many high schoolers come to this website who live in the US.

    If you're crying constantly, PLEASE go to your doctor. You are suffering major depression and extremely low self esteem. The doc can prescribe medication to help you (and a therapy referral)

    Don't fear that if you go to a therapist you'll just cry. They're used to it and in fact expect it with depressed patients.

    I have no idea where you got such low self esteem - can you think of anything in particular that triggered it, or was it a gradual process?

    YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!!!!!! You are a young man with a major depressive illness, which needs treatment.

    As to 'will it get worse'? - probably, if you don't see your doctor very soon.

    Is there a school counselllor who you can confide in? It doesn't sound to me that your family are taking this seriously. In fact, they're making it worse.

    You did the right thing to come to this forum. That's the first step. Now, please go and see your doctor - that is ESSENTIAL.

    Too many young men and women harm themselves because they are too scared to get help. Some even commit suicide.

    This is a disgrace in a country where there are plenty of doctors and therapists who can, and will, help you.

    I have tears pouring down my cheeks right now. If you want to PM me, please go ahead. By the way, my son is doing fine now. Much love from Tess

     

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much, Tess! I really needed this. 

      I have no idea where all this low self-esteem came from either, it just gradually built up as time went on. But it is great to hear that someone like you is supporting me, it's heart-warming, really. 

      I definately do not want to start harming myself. I want to live, I want to live the life that I want, reach my goals and dreams. Yet, I'm miserable that I'll not accomplish them. People like you are keeping me afloat. Being around others that don't think that negative emotions aren't that big of a deal are messing with my thoughts. 

      And it's fantastic to hear that your son is doing well, Tess.

      Thank you so much for giving me your insight.

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  • Posted

    So while I have not experienced what you are experiencing with your family or friends, I know what that feels like with my relationships. It really sucks to hear that you don't have any support system because that's what makes it easier to deal with it.

    ​It can get worse especially if others continue to treat you the way they do and if no one is able to help you. Have you tried sitting your family down with no distractions and bring up this issue? Therapy really helps but as you said, it's not free. It sound like depression and anxiety, I can't tell you if it's a certain disorder though. I'm not trying to scare you or anything, just being real with you. I still have problems with my own anxiety but I just try my best to make it through those episodes and it's somewhat easier (though still hard) every time. The biggest thing you can do is to accept it is a part of you, whether temporary or permanent.

    ​Is there may a teacher or a school counselor you can talk to? It seems like you are holding everything in and that's dangerous because at some point, it will come out and I'd rather you release all that tension in an office of someone who is trained to help people like you. Crying is completely fine and this is nothing to be ashamed of.

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  • Posted

    I've never met anyone who offered to help me. This is so heartwarming for me, I've never seen this many people concerned so much about me.

    THANK YOU ALL SO, SO MUCH! 

    Hopefully some of these will answer your questions...

    Q. Can you talk to anyone who aren't related to you (conselors/teacher/etc.)? 

    I have talked to my English teacher about some of my anxieties. I started bursting into tears in the middle of the discussion. Since I was crying so much, I couldn't form sentences. So she gave me a piece of paper so I could write down how I felt, and left the room for a few minutes so I could calm down and concentrate. Once I was done, I gave the sheet to her, she read it, said she would help me no matter what, then never talked to me about it again, just like what my grandma did. I feel like I will be betrayed by other people, so I keep getting more paranoid and depressed, like I will never get help. I never bothered to talk to a counselor since my sister said that they don't care and don't listen everytime she encountered one. I know there are people who will TRY to help you, and people who are QUALIFIED to help you, yet I can't fight the urge to refuse to those try to help me now.

    Someone mentioned if my father could help... I honestly don't even know where my father is. He said, like, six sentences to me before being gone forever. I don't know where my father resides, so I doubt he could help me.

    Q. Have you tried a hotline/local group/ect.?

    This website will probably be the closest I'll ever get to anything like those. I did definately consider a hotline before, but thought that I'll never get through half of an entire phone call without sobbing. A local group is worst, I hate the feeling of people watching me, judging me. 

    Q. Do you have health insurance to pay for therapy?

    I live in Canada, where our healthcare is free... but not for counselling nor therapy. The region I live in has to pay by session, which the prices range pretty high. I'm unemployed, I only ask my mother for lunch money, yet I still don't get enough for therapy by doing little jobs around town. I don't even know where to go to for therapy... I live in a small town, so I might have to drive out of town to get therapy, which is a problem as well because I don't have a car, nor liscense. Plus, I don't know how insurence works either...

    Q. Can you ask a doctor for medication?

    I'm honestly scared of medication for psychological issues, I know it sounds dumb. I'd be fine with anti-depressants, but for anxiety, I don't like changing the way my brain thinks. I'm so used to being a paranoid, misfit that has to repeat an answer in her head a thousand times before saying something. I'm scared they'll change they way I react and deal with things. Like I said before, I know  absolutely nothing about this. Plus, I've heard so many people say that the medication that their prescribed only made their symptoms worst, and I'm terrified that'll happen to me. I don't want to be more unnecessarily miserable than I already am.

    Some people mentioned that I may harm myself if I keep this up. Yet, I don't want to do physical harm myself.I have goals and dreams that I want to live an actual life and become the person that I want to be, so I'm unhappy that I'll most likely never acheive them. And I know atleast someone will mourn over me, and I don't want to become a burden to someone and have them greiving, as I think that I'm not worth it.

    I want to  thank everyone again for replying and supporting me. I'll try to keep strong. I've bursted into tears already by writing this, knowing that people cared. 

    I really needed some kind of pick-me-up this month. I can't thank you enough.

    Thank you all so, so much!!! cry

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    • Posted

      Oh, Ainsley, I was just reading the post above and thought it said "I have goats and dreams"

      Must get stronger glasses.

      You said that you would take anti-depressant medicatiion, but not for anxiety. Well, people who are very depressed generally discover that an anti-depressant also reduces their anxiety.

      lov

      So please see your doctor asap.    love Tess

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