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I don't think I'll make it this time....

Posted , 9 users are following.

claudia49146
claudia49146

I have struggled with Depression for 30 years but I'm sooo tired of this life, the fight to be ok which is a fight that I keep losing. My Psychiatrist recently changed my meds due to side affects but the new medication hasn't begun to work yet. I'm so sad, weepy, lonely, tired and my mind is all screwed up. My thoughts are completely scrambled. I think that these are not my thoughts but the depressions thoughts. I've been in hospital 3 times and don't believe it will help this time. I plan to get my affairs in order before I do anything. I just can't keep dealing with this kind of a life. I am on this site because for the time being it is the best part of my reality.

1 like, 16 replies

16 Replies

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  • sam18386
    sam18386 claudia49146

    Posted

    Oh no Claudia, I remember that feeling of hitting rock bottom through being really ill 3 and a half weeks a go. Please hang on in there the only place from rock bottom is up. I had to crawl my way back out and I had no meds just people who were really supportive. Being persistently I'll can make you worse sadly. Do you really need antidepressants because if you don't then don't take them I'm not being rude just serious. Good luck to you and speak on here, it may help you more than anything.

    • claudia49146
      claudia49146 sam18386

      Posted

      Thank you for your supportive words and concern. It helps knowing that others understand and are also working towards getting better. I don"t talk to a lot of people about my depression because they don"t get it and often say "Get over it" or "Why can't you just shake it off". I try and explain my symptoms and disorder but they usually still don't comprehend that I cannot help it nor do I choose to feel this way. At least on this site, people get it, they understand and are compassionate and encouraging.

      I called my sister who over the years has tried to educate herself on my illness and through education has become very supportive of me when I am in an episode. She came and stayed several hours and talked with me and made a schedule of things to help me stay afloat. I got scared when she left. I dreaded the coming morning (including each new day) which is one of my symptoms (that leads to weepy despair). A friend insisted on talking about my depression super early this morning. Although he doesn't get it (because he always saw me as strong, capable and happy) he listened and asked questions. I couldn't make him understand but knowing he cares and wants to try and learn what it is and encourage me did help. Yesterday was so awful but the encouraging people on this site and my loved ones make me want to try. Thank you Sam.

  • olwen11269
    olwen11269 claudia49146

    Posted

    Claudia, listen to Sam's advice.

    We all are going through the same hell, but just at our own pace, I really know how you feel and how hard it is.

    I suffer with anxiety and depression plus I care for my best and only friend who also shares the same house as me, he has schizophrenia and depression, he was diagnosed 20 years ago and recently stopped taking his medication causing him to spiral into depression and is dragging me down with him, like I said I know how you feel, we all do and need to keep one another's head above water. We are here if you want to talk. Take care x

    • claudia49146
      claudia49146 olwen11269

      Posted

      Thank you Olwen. Talking with people on this site who understand helps.
  • wayne1962
    wayne1962 claudia49146

    Posted

    Hi Claudia - sorry to read you are in this situation. Best advice is hang in there, give the meds time to work - the transition is always difficult. Many of us have made arrangements to finish up, but also look for any reason there might be not to do it. It's so hard, difficult to get positive any single thing left in life. Hope you find something. Meanwhile we are always here to talk - and understand.

  • anya68711
    anya68711 claudia49146

    Posted

    Don't give up Claudia, you'll get there eventually-know it's unspeakably hard though!! I've been suffering for 15 weeks now and off work and really struggling. Just started some new anti-depressants yesterday (Venlafaxine) but they take sooo long to start working it's sooo frustrating. Sending positive vibes and hugs your way xx

    • claudia49146
      claudia49146 anya68711

      Posted

      Thank you Anya. Ineeded to hear that and am doing my best to hold on.
    • anya68711
      anya68711 claudia49146

      Posted

      It is reassuring to know that there's others suffering out there and who understand the struggle. Know at the minute when I'm out and about, everyone seems to b so happy, carefree and well....mentally stable!! I sooo long to be like that again 😞 Have to believe that I'll get back to that again and that the medication will kick in and you must too! X

  • Guest
    Guest claudia49146

    Posted

    Most people who post in this site have been there, Claudia. My last episode of deep depression lasted a year and a half and I am only now coming out of it. There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

    Give your medication time to kick in. It'll take the edge off and allow you to work on the issues which are causing your depression. It'd be a shame to throw in the towel when the sun might be coming up just a few, brief weeks away.

    • claudia49146
      claudia49146 Guest

      Posted

      Thank you Phil. Some deep part of me thinks you're right, hopes you're right. The support on this site is very encouraging. Everyone who has replied to me feels like a hand helping to prop me up. I am so thankful for that. So thankful for finding this site, for help from people like you Phil, who believe in better days when I thought that darkness was winning. I think I might get through this, afterall. Thank you so much.

  • angelo88861
    angelo88861 claudia49146

    Posted

    Do not give up I too went through what you are going through it has taken me over 15 months to start to get much better. Sometimes the Psychiatrist will have to switch medication to see which one will work. I went to hell and back and finally thanks to god I am doing better.
  • hypercat
    hypercat claudia49146

    Posted

    Hi Claudia it would be such a shame to give in now after 30 years.  I have also felt suicidal for a long time but put it off by saying every morning this won't be the day I do it.  Try this.  It is quite liberating as instead of pondering over it all day it leaves you free to see what the day brings instead.  

    When this doesn't work I trawl the suicide sites looking for painless ways to do it.  By the time I have realised that there aren't any and even if there were I don't have those means,  and reading some awful stories I have quite gone off the idea.  Keep fighting and never give in.  Take care xx

  • gary78460
    gary78460 claudia49146

    Posted

    why are you letting your deppressive thought take over? there not your thought there your the back of your mind thoughts,you need to tell yourself that theese are not your thoughts and you dont want to listen to them as there not helping

     

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