I don't want to live anymore but I'm scared of hurting myself.
Posted , 13 users are following.
I'm 20 years old. Throughout my life and school life, I've been bullied. At school, the bullies used to call me ugly every day and laugh at me. They made fun of the way I looked, the way I walked, my voice, everything. They made me hate myself which is still ongoing today. If I could change myself into another person, I would do it in a heartbeat. I was bullied for years which stunted my social growth. I became withdrawn and I stopped socializing with people for the most part. I only had a few friends. This continued for the rest of my school years all the way until I graduated. I made barely any friends and I have no lasting memories. I never went to prom and I never really was involved in school programs and I also didn't have a friend group. Now I'm out of school and I work but I'm still living at home and I don't make that much money. To this day, I have no friends and my dating life is non-existant. I have very low self-esteem from being called ugly all those years, so I'm very self-loathing and depressed about that. Some days I feel so ugly that I don't leave the house or I wear a hat to conceal my face. Don't lie to me and say that "everyone is beautiful" because that's not true. Looks matter and when you're born ugly, the world will treat you accordingly. I wish I was born with good looks, if I was then I wouldn't have experienced the bullying and my social life would've been bettter. Every day I obsess in my mind over what it must be like being a good looking person. I also think about how I hate that I was victimized and bullied throughout my life. Sometimes I get enraged thinking about it and I sit in my room until my anger subsides. I have a lot of anger deep inside about it. Sometimes I just wish I could have the courage to end my life. I'm too scared of hurting myself so I think about it sometimes but I can't take action. I just want the pain to be over. I'm tired of being a loser, that's all I've been for my whole life. I'm just the person that everyone puts down and laughs at. I've literally been a laughing stock for people for most of my life. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm completely hopeless and I have a bleak outlook on life. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the fear and also I think about my family and how they'd deal with it. I hate my life. People say that life "gets better" after you suffer from bullying and abuse but it doesn't and it never will. You're just left with the scars and pain from it. I just wish it could be over. I never asked to be born, I never asked for bad looks, and I never asked to be bullied.
6 likes, 60 replies
Aspinan john81603
Posted
Hi John, I think you would benefit from a really good councillor to really get to the bottom of your issues, especially the total lack of self esteem brought about by the terrible bullying you've experienced, it's almost like PTSD.
Somehow you need to get to the glass is half full state but that is going to take professional help and plenty will power on your behalf.
Try half has hard thinking about yourself more positively than you do putting yourself down and things will improve for you.
Everytime you manage to think of a vertu you have write it down starting with the fact that you have fought this along time and your still here!
You deserve peace John.
john81603 Aspinan
Posted
Sometimes I feel like I do have PTSD. The memories strike up so much hurt and anger inside of me. The thing is, I don't want to be put on meds. I don't want to have to rely on medications to be happy, I just want to feel like a normal person. That's all I've ever wanted, to feel and be treated like a normal person.
Ashley025 john81603
Posted
I don't like relying on meds either. But if the problem is Severe that I can't cope I won't hesitate.
You are a normal person.
john81603 Ashley025
Posted
I won't feel like a normal person if I have to take a medication to be happy. Most people don't have to take meds, I don't want to have to either.
Ashley025 john81603
Posted
Hi John
I agree I don't take meds either. I don't want them to control me. Plus some have the Zombie effect on people. Lol
Then get therapy if you don't want to take medication. It helps.👍
anna17409 john81603
Posted
john81603 anna17409
Posted
That's the thing though. It makes me enraged thinking that I may have to take meds because of things that people did to me. That's humiliating. I didn't ask to be bullied or treated like garbage. I shouldn't need to take meds. The people shouldn't have made me this way. I almost refuse to take meds.
esther22656 john81603
Posted
anna17409 esther22656
Posted
john81603 esther22656
Posted
I'm an atheist.
john81603 esther22656
Posted
And if there is a God and it let me go through the things I've been through then it obviously doesn't care about me. So why should I care about it?
Ashley025 esther22656
Posted
john81603
Posted
I'm so tired of everything. Every day I wake up and I'm angry and sad about the things that have happened to me. It's hard to describe in full detail the hardships I've been through. I've seen therapists and psycologists before and they were no help. There is nothing any therapist can say to me that will erase the memories. I appreciate everyone trying to help and contributing to my thread but I feel as though there's no hope for me. I'm scared of hurting myself but I don't think that fear will remain forever. I'm scared to die, but at least when you're dead, there's no bad memories, people can't insult me, and no more self-loathing. I've been feeling this way since I was 10 years old. I just can't go on anymore.
bytheseaside john81603
Posted
Hello. I'm very sorry you're feeling that way john81603, I know the pain. because I struggle with my own set of inner demons and emotions too, and it brings me to tears some days [about every second day], because I can't function properly in the world. Super hard this kind of life. And I relate to wanting to opt out as well. I have those thoughts all the time - "Shall I, or shall I not?" Because I really want to. Often. But, personally, I've made it one of my challenges to preserve my own life until mother nature picks the time to go. But I just want you to know, you're not alone and to keep hanging in there and if you ever feel like talking you can messsage me if you like. I'm not the most interesting person in the world but I can relate to the struggle. I'm real sorry people hurt you. All the best john81603. Battle on brother.
Ashley025 john81603
Posted
No dont say that if you need someone to talk to I'm always here for you. Don't give up. No way you shouldn't do this to yourself. F them. I don't want to say bad words but I'm mad someone hurt you so much that you want to hurt yourself.
Don't do it. I feel the same but since I was 4 years old. That's when everything started and I would think about killing myself. Ignore others they can't hurt you anymore. Dont let them fight back and defend yourself.