I don't want to talk to my therapist

Posted , 5 users are following.

I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and I have been taking medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist for over two months. I've been suffering with severe anxiety for more than a year but I was too afraid to tell my perants because I wasn't sure how they'd react.

It was not continuous throughout the whole year but the last six months have been excruciatingly hard. I've had suicidal thoughts constantly and there were days when that was the only thing I thought about. I thought of different ways but they were limited. I wanted to spare my family of the humiliation of having their daughter kill her self but at the end I couldn't bother caring anymore and I attempted to kill my self by drinking Panadol. I could only manage to swallow 10 pills. I had gag reflexes. But afterwards I realised it was because my resolve to kill my self wasn't that strong. It was more like a cry for help I suppose.

I was hoping that my perants would realise that there was something wrong with me but they ddnt. Maybe they did and just thought I might get over it or maybe they didn't want it to be true. Then I finally told my mother. She went hysterical. She was crying and that really ddnt help my situation.

When she told my father he was composed. He advised me. Made me feel as though it wasn't a bad thing and I felt good. Then they took me to the psychiatrist and I ddnt mind talking to him and the stuff he prescribed helped well sort of.

He reffered me to a councelor and I didn't like her then and I don't like her now. It feels as if she's judging me. Like she doesn't get my situation and it feels like she's mocking me. I didn't tell my perants at first but when I told them they said then let's change. But since I'm going to that purticular psychiatrist I have to go to a councelor under him. Then my current councelor would realise. But It's awkward and rude and she could get hurt.

I had another session the day before. She made me bring it all up. It's really hard she says I have to confront them and get them out. But she doesn't say how. It's physically painfull. I got by the last two months by burying them deep inside but she makes me take it all out.

I had a appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday but I refused to go. But I need the pills desperately so my mom went instead. She had shown him the book in which the councelor made me write my feelings. And now he wants me to call him!

I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I barely started opening up to my friends. I had shut them all out including my family. I haven't really opened up to anyone except two of my closest friends and my cousin. I've still shut out my perants. I blame them for me becoming this way. Had they not forced me it to the exam when I was already broke as it is when I practically begged them well my mom not to I wouldn't have turned in to this mess.

I used to be a person with a lot of motivations dreams and aspirations. I was dedicated to my studies and I hated failur. I took every nessasary step to avoid that but this was so freaking hard it broke me. Now I have no dreams hopes or anything remotely positive. I feel like I'm on quicksand the more I try deeper I go. This wasn't me and I hate them for it

But I no longer want to talk to another adult about this. It's hard n if I ignore well I can at least survive. But should I call?

If you read the whole thing thank you it just got too long but I wanted to make myself clear. I don't have any desire to live but I'm not planning on killing myself. I do imagine that some thing an accident or a disease will get me out of this he'll but don't everybody? I don't want to talk about this anymore to another doctor. Why can't he just give the bloody pills and get it over with? But do you think I should call?

2 likes, 5 replies

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Natasha

    I totally understand how hard it is to open up your deepest feelings and thoughts to a totally stranger..It is of utmost importance that you get the right counsellor that suits you.  I can understand why you would be worried it is under the same  psychiatrist but even a counsellor is very aware that if your not happy with them you have to change.  I have had to change cousellors when I have not liked their approach or they didn't understand or get who i was..

    I see you are angry with your mum for getting hysterical and it did not helped your situation.  I would say your mum loves you to bits and she was very frightened when she reacted like that and didn't know how to cope. Not helpful to you but she obviously loves you very much and the last thing she wants is to see you in so much pain.. She probably is blaming herself..

    I also understand that you have buried your feelings because they where to difficult to deal with. I done exactly the same for many years and dealt with them all in a way that was more damaging to myself.. I had to address them because I was going into self destruct and was attempting suicide as a cry for help..

    Opening up to someone was diffcult especially when it got to the most painful bits.  But I kept going back as I knew the only way I was going to get some peace of mind and get my life back on track was to keep going.. Yes it was difficult and very hard and I felt so low.  But as time went on I started to learn about who I was, what I had achieved and what I wanted for me.  I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and was able to continue with my life.  Never having to revisit those painful thoughts again because they where out not buried deep inside hurting me all the time..

    I think you should call.. Your not giving yourself a fair chance of getting all the support and help you need to come out the other end..

    You don't know what is round the corner..

    You don't know what your future holds..

    Because you have got that down on yourself and believe you cannot be helped..

    Make the call Natasha and give yourself a chance because you are a lvoely person and deserve a good life like everyone else..

    You can private message me anytime if you need someone to talk to..

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  • Posted

    a counsellors job is to get to the root of the problem and it will hurt you to expose your vulnerablity. Drs share information so don't feel disheartened. They had to decide where you were and if you were ill and needing further treatment. It is hard to have that happen. But rise above it and see if you can continue with the counselling until you know that you are over the problem.

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  • Posted

    Natasha, I am sorry for what you are going through... Maybe you do need another counselor, but you will not find one that will not ask qustions about what has happened in your past that has led up to your present problems... This is the root of WHY this is happening and the only way to overcome to expose them...face them... Otherwise it will be only like a band-aid covering up a wound -- instead of healing it...  Taking pills will only help to the point that you are willing to work with the problem... Please do accept working with a counselor...and I truly DO hope you find one that you get on with well.... Just know they will ALL questions... not just offer sympathy and happy sayings... Trust me... you CAN do this..... Please believe in yourself enough to HELP yourself... and this takes total honesty... Best wishes to you, Natasha.
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  • Posted

    Hi Natasha - so sorry to read of your problems. It is a difficult journey you are on, but you deserve the best. It is necessary that the medications you are taking are suitable for your condition. sometimes it may take two or three attempts to get the right dose/combination for you. Some doctors refer to this balancing as "like cooking" where it's necessary to tweak the recipe until it's just right. It is usually best to allow those meds to work - it can take several weeks before you start feeling better - then you start facing the task of revealing your inner most thoughts to the proffessionals. The first thing to do is get another doctor. It will never work if you are distrustful of him/her. Next, your counsellor should not be judging you or making you feel that she is mocking you. So step two is to get another counsellor. Your journal is important to keep as it will chart your progress for you and, later, can be an invaluable reference to see what thought processes might be tripping you up.

    I understand your desperation and that you want some instant relief. This may be an unrealistic expectation, but think of it this way: a fine wine takes time, and what you are embarking upon is the foundation of your future so it is worth all the effort and patience that will be required. Your mother sounds like mine - things like this are a catastrophe and they blame themselves. She will feel that way anyway, so don't concern yourself with it. Your dad sounds like a steady influence, so talk to him. He only wants the best for you. It is difficult for a parent to deal with issues like this but it will be easier if you are totatlly honest with him ankeep the dialogue channels open. Your two friends and your cousin are invaluable resources for you. People of the same age will understand better where you are coming from. Don't be scared to share with them, you are lucky they are there. 

    You have depression and the suicidal thoughts are part of that. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and those left behind could well spend their lives blaming themselves if you take that permanent step. The path is action. You may not feel like it now, but you will find it easier as you get along. Your dreams and aspirations will return and you will have the energy and desire agian - but with a better understanding of yourself. Be kind to yourself and remember you are not alone. 

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  • Posted

    What I hate about this situations is always the same: lack of people who knows how to treat this with assertiveness, specially with kids/young people. This fact complicates the situation in vain, completely in vain.

    There's a reason why you ended up feeling like this. I'm in the same path now, I feel exactly the same you described. Actually, I ended up here searching: "I didn't want to talk about it".

    That reason can be buried deep because it passed a long time, (or is recent or both, you'll see) and you think you can't express it because for one side, it will hurt your parents and it will hurt you for hurting your parents, but at the same time something inside of you screams because you're not fighting for that part of yourself that has been hurt in the past (one or several times). That part feels not protected, in my case, because my parents selfish nature.

    Pills won't help to figure that out. This is just my opinion, but since you've tried already to kill yourself, they gave you pills, so the chemistry of your brain keeps you "not having sad thoughts" in the meantime, until you find a way to deal with your wound.

    I told you I was on the same page here... sometimes, is difficult to accept reality. People, beyond ties are still people, human beings. They can be selfish, arrogant, scream you and hurt. With or without having reason. Family it's specially difficult: because you grew up with them, because of society thinking about family, because we will always love our parents no matter what (well, in general). You probably have right in claiming to your parents their faults, it gets even difficult when they don't recognize mistakes (my case), but if you can't talk to them, it's a death end. Seems like your father is a lit more calm to talk? What I'm saying is: only think about yourself now, not like a spoiled kid would do, but someone who needs to protect it's own feelings, OK? If you don't like the psychiatrist, change it. If you hate the therapist, change it. At this point, I mean, in this moment, you gotta give a duck about what strangers feels. And not strangers too. Believe me, people who can really know this, will not be offended by it.

    You need good guidance, keep looking for it. Sometimes there's not (my case) I rely a bit on my good friends(I stopped talking to jerks, specially selfish ones), and I'm my own therapiat for now, it's my only option. But that's me.

    I wish you can find a good way to yourself ^^

    although a year has passed. Hugs!

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