Posted , 5 users are following.
I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and I have been taking medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist for over two months. I've been suffering with severe anxiety for more than a year but I was too afraid to tell my perants because I wasn't sure how they'd react.
It was not continuous throughout the whole year but the last six months have been excruciatingly hard. I've had suicidal thoughts constantly and there were days when that was the only thing I thought about. I thought of different ways but they were limited. I wanted to spare my family of the humiliation of having their daughter kill her self but at the end I couldn't bother caring anymore and I attempted to kill my self by drinking Panadol. I could only manage to swallow 10 pills. I had gag reflexes. But afterwards I realised it was because my resolve to kill my self wasn't that strong. It was more like a cry for help I suppose.
I was hoping that my perants would realise that there was something wrong with me but they ddnt. Maybe they did and just thought I might get over it or maybe they didn't want it to be true. Then I finally told my mother. She went hysterical. She was crying and that really ddnt help my situation.
When she told my father he was composed. He advised me. Made me feel as though it wasn't a bad thing and I felt good. Then they took me to the psychiatrist and I ddnt mind talking to him and the stuff he prescribed helped well sort of.
He reffered me to a councelor and I didn't like her then and I don't like her now. It feels as if she's judging me. Like she doesn't get my situation and it feels like she's mocking me. I didn't tell my perants at first but when I told them they said then let's change. But since I'm going to that purticular psychiatrist I have to go to a councelor under him. Then my current councelor would realise. But It's awkward and rude and she could get hurt.
I had another session the day before. She made me bring it all up. It's really hard she says I have to confront them and get them out. But she doesn't say how. It's physically painfull. I got by the last two months by burying them deep inside but she makes me take it all out.
I had a appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday but I refused to go. But I need the pills desperately so my mom went instead. She had shown him the book in which the councelor made me write my feelings. And now he wants me to call him!
I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I barely started opening up to my friends. I had shut them all out including my family. I haven't really opened up to anyone except two of my closest friends and my cousin. I've still shut out my perants. I blame them for me becoming this way. Had they not forced me it to the exam when I was already broke as it is when I practically begged them well my mom not to I wouldn't have turned in to this mess.
I used to be a person with a lot of motivations dreams and aspirations. I was dedicated to my studies and I hated failur. I took every nessasary step to avoid that but this was so freaking hard it broke me. Now I have no dreams hopes or anything remotely positive. I feel like I'm on quicksand the more I try deeper I go. This wasn't me and I hate them for it
But I no longer want to talk to another adult about this. It's hard n if I ignore well I can at least survive. But should I call?
If you read the whole thing thank you it just got too long but I wanted to make myself clear. I don't have any desire to live but I'm not planning on killing myself. I do imagine that some thing an accident or a disease will get me out of this he'll but don't everybody? I don't want to talk about this anymore to another doctor. Why can't he just give the bloody pills and get it over with? But do you think I should call?
2 likes, 5 replies