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I don't know how to put this to word well enough, but for the last 10 years of my life, I have been coming in and out of thinking that I really have no reason to continue toward the future. That being said, my life when compared to others have been relatively normal, nothing really traumatic happened and then again nothing exciting has happened.
I feel I have been living in a limbo, I have no outstanding achievement, I am mediocre in all aspects, I am trying to follow a career path that I don't really feel excited about, and I cannot think of any other career path I want to pursue, I have no ambition in life, and I don't want to get into a relationship. It's hard to explain but I can't really understand why I am continuing to live, I don't hate life I just don't feel the need of living. I honestly don't even go out of my way to think about how I should die, it's just that thinking about be done with everything became such a casual thought that it just come up so casually without me noticing.
I guess I do come off as being unreasonable in the way I think but I have tried traveling oversea, I am prettying outgoing when talking to people, I workout, I try my best in my work, yet however I keep returning to this state of aimlessness and tiredness almost immediately after. I don't feel sad, just extremely weary when thinking about having to face tomorrow, after dipping in and out of it for so long, it has become as familiar that I can't even bring myself the effort to get rid of it (not that I even know how) and honestly I don't even remember what my life was like before it.
I have tried seeing a psychiatrist once but it ended up nowhere as even though it was a private session, I'm still talking to "someone" especially one of duties so I can't say all that I want to say properly. After finishing all the sessions, the psychiatrist said I was fine (which obviously wasn't true). I'm not condemning him as it obviously work for others, it's just that my personality disallow me from gaining much from it.
I feel like I'm running out of options since I have done almost everything to try to save myself from it. I feel like I'm inconveniencing my family and friends if I end it here, even though I don't think my existence is even contributing to their life, I still know my death will leave some scar. However I wholeheartedly believe that after 10 years of experiencing it, continuing on like this any longer is torturous. The thought of me having to put so much effort everyday to walk into a gray state for another decade brings horror to my mind.
To be totally honest, I don't know why I decided to write this, I guess I just want to write something after years of pent-up or just to want to find people with similar experience.
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