I feel empty

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Am 46 years old , I feel empty inside I feel I don't belong any were . My family are nasty people , me dad hasn't spoke to me for 4 years due to me having a argument with me step sister .

My mum has always put her men first before her kids . Had a rubbish upbringing .

But I still crave for the love from my parents that I know am not gonna give .

I sent me mum a mothers day card and birthday card and didn't even get a thanks for it. My parents are getting on now and in me head when they pass away how am I gonna feel . I feel like I tried so hard and I still keep trying .

Christmas time was last time I spoke to me mum and explained I couldn't send her a Christmas card coz I had a slipped disc and couldn't get out of house .

On boxing day her partner rang me and started shouting coz I didn't send me mum a card and I tried to explain I couldn't get out . And tbh I was so high on medication I didn't have energy.

But this is the woman who hasn't bothered with my children or even seen my grandson who is now 4.

I have good kids who are doing well for there selves which am proud .... I just feel so alone in my thoughts , I don't feel like I belong any were.

Am a good person , I got bullied at work by my manager why coz I was a easy target . People say be strong , I am me and I don't want be like my parents .

Also people say tell your parents how you feel , what good will it do . All it do is cause me pain and you know I can't hurt them by what I'd say it's really not in me and will not give me satisfaction.

Some people shouldn't have kids , I suffer with depression me brother a drinker and me other brother on drugs ...... as for me step sisters there just nasty but have me dad's love .

I wish I could delete the past how do I find a good place . And stop the past from hurting me so much . I hate this empty feeling

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18 Replies

  • Posted

    Donna

    You are very much in the same situation as me, my parents and siblings leave a lot to be desired. I eventually broke away from them all, I even disappeared from other family members and now live my Retirement, disinherited and alone with my Dog and Wife, I still see my wifes family. However the change has allowed me time to live a more inclusive harmonious life.

    I am not saying you should walk away, all I do say is look for ways to deal with the negativity. You say your Child has not seen His Grandma, do you feel that may help if you introduce Him to Her.

    The other way of course is a break and that would be you and your families decision. You could have a serious talk with Her and try and address Her negative vibes, this way would hopefully clear the air, although I found the feelings my family had against me had existed from being a ten year old child.

    So feelings become set in the brain and you will have problems changing them.

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Hey bob , I rang my mum the morning after my daughter had my grandson.

      My daughter had a terrible time her placenta abrupted and had to be rushed down to have a c section. And me grandson went into intensive care

      So I was out me mind, so rang me mum in the morning and told her what happened and I was like mum I was gonna ring you late last nite as I was so upset and scared .

      She went lucky u didn't I was a sleep , so she doesn't deserve to see my grandson .

      My kids don't want nothing to do with her by the way she has treated me . There tougher then me .

      I have spoke to me mum before and asked her like why did she put me in front of her as my stepdad was gonna hit her . She went cause I knew he wouldn't if I put you in front

      There so many stories , and she never says any of it was her fault

      Even when I got hit and kicked out of home she stood there and let me go

      The time I worked me socks of to buy her a new sofa and cooker and instead spent the money .

      Goes on bob and she makes out she's the victim. . I do love my mum I can't help that and I tried and tried but I don't get nothing back

      I don't know how I be able to sort it out in my mind .

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    • Posted

      Donna

      You are suffering real hurt and I do understand how you feel as I have been through the same thing.

      Sometimes it is better to call it a day and just move on. Any problems or bad attitude personally I would get them moved on.

      You and your children deserve more than someone related to you has a bad attitude. Never look back, move on. Your Mother sound like mine, She has baggage that has nothing to do with you.

      Let Her fester in Her own juices, if you are also having problems with Siblings the same applies

      Enjoy your life and kids

      BOB

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    • Posted

      Your so right bob , am lucky I have wonderful kids . And my goal was to be the best mum I could and I done that.

      My kids say to me I wish you had and have what we have .

      Am 47 years old I need build up my confedeince and try and stop people bring me down and hurt me . I will stay true to me self and be the good person I am .

      I don't get pleasure out of hurting anyone . All I can say is I tried for years with both parents .

      Am not sure we're to start in my life to change , I always been the person to help.

      But I have depression and not a lot of people get that and when am having a melt down that's when I feel alone .

      Coz no one understands , sometimes depression can be a lonely place .

      Thank you for replying bob xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Donna

    I just saw your post and am so sorry you have this in your life, no one but no one deserves this type of behaviour from another. These people never can see the wood for the trees, what is going on is past hurt, you're experiencing symptoms of ingrained past hurts, and every time you interact you're left feeling undervalued, rejected and overwhelemd by how these people especially family can act this way toward you. It's so hurtful and yet it continues.

    I too have been on the receiving end of self absorbed closed minded people who have an opinion on everything and know very little. Take a wee look at the evidence and break it down this way...it may help a little

    1. Their thoughts are more important 

    2. Their feelings are more important

    3. The way they act must be acceptable no matter what others think

    4. They are rarely or never willing to admit they are wrong

    5. They think undermining others is totally acceptable

    A question...would you pick these type of people to be freinds with?

    To be in any sort of relationship with? 

    Easy for others to say, ignore, walk away, for that we need to be healthy mentally and in a good place and for that we need to admit to ourselves that walking away would be the best thing for our health...though that can only happen with hard work, to get to the root of yourself which may be very painful, (that's the place i'm in at the mo). 

    I have had feelings of what ifs...

    What if they blame me?

    What if they never speak to me again?

    What if I never see them again?

    What if something happens to them and my family blame me for not being there?

    The answer i have came up with is...

    Who cares..they don't. No matter how much you try and convince yourself. I keep repeating this over and over because it's true. If they did care they would not be treating you in this way

    I hope even some of this helps you to get stronger

    Peace

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  • Posted

    Hi I get totally where you are coming from as I spent many fruitless years trying to get love and approval from my mother.   I finally recognised that I was never going to get it so built my own brick wall against her.  I also realised that she wasn't able to give me what I craved and it wasn't that she was just being nasty.

    I still needed love and approval but I started looking for it outside the family and I got it.  That's you have to do - recognise that you will never get what you need from your family so seek it elsewhere.  Don't set yourself up to be knocked back time and time again.

    I would limit contact with your family as much as possible as it isn't helping you having toxic people in your life - and that's what they are family or not - toxic. 

    I maintained a relationship with my mother but my wall prevented me from being hurt too much.   This is what you have to do as well.  You have to learn to stop caring and wanting what they cannot give you.  Seek it from your own family and friends instead. 

     

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    • Posted

      Yep.  That's why at the age of 18 I cleared off to London many miles away from them.  I had a terrible time at first but it did make me grow up!   I did return to where my family lived but by that time I was an adult and able to set my boundaries with them.  

      I am sorry you have been through similiar experiences Amanda,  A big hug for you.  Bev xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Donna - so sorry to read of your situation. I can relate to it. Similar issues with my parents, bad childhood etc. I would suggest that you take pride in what you have achieved with your kids, praise yourself for making the effort that your parents didn't and that your kids won't be looking back at your age and regretting your parenting. We can't change others and can't force them to acknowledge our concerns, only they can do that themselves and it sounds like your mother isn't prepared to go there. I reached the stage where I am cordial with my mother, I do send cards etc, but I leave any phone contact up to her. She'll call when she has something to say. I have relegated the past to the past and accepted the hardship instigated by my parents was part of the life-lessons I am learning this time around. Forgiveness doesn't mean you deserve what was done to you, it's about freeing yourself to blossom in your own life. As for your mothers partner - or anyone else - chewing you out for anything - if he does that agin hang up on him. Don't engage people who belittle you. You are worth much more than that. Best of luck to you as you move foward - it will take some adjustment, but you can free yourself. You are not responsible for them. 

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    • Posted

      Thank everyone that's wrote on here , I really appreciate it very much . I didn't reply last nite to anyone , as I cried for hours . I have tried so hard and realised that my family are selfish and only think about them .

      Guess am to soft and I always see good in people . I have craved love especially from my parents I never gave them any trouble and was good at school.

      I know I have to move forward and I know I can't delete what's happened to me in the past . Just feel I had a raw deal at times . I had to stand on me own to feet , bring me kids up by me self as the men had in me life to advantage of my good heart .

      I managed to get away from a violent partner and that was worse part of my life but I did it .

      So I decided today I am gonna write my mum a letter and tell her how I feel . I need to let my emotions out . I don't think I get a reply .... does anyone think this will help me ???????

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    • Posted

      Hi again Donna - great idea. Don't put a filter on what you want to say when you first write that letter, put it aside for a few days/week or so, then reassess it. Keep it raw with short sentences. Don't write it expecting a response - after all any response will likely have conditions or deflections. Remember this letter is an opportunity for you to purge, feel that as you write those words you are expelling them from your life. Another thing can be to make a copy of that letter and have a ritual burning of it when you feel the time is right. Fire is cleansing. It's time to build a new future for yourself and your kids, one that does not hinge on needing parent approval. If it's anything like my experience, no response from her will suffice and will only encourage further hopeless seeking that will build into a rage of frustration. Best of luck to you, and good on you for taking affirmative action. 

      And thanks for your response Amanda - i hope you are feeling better.

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