I feel extremely worthless and wish I were no longer here,

Hi CDu.

Well I can see your depressed the self loathing it gives you is powerful which only means so is your mind it's a mental illness you see so the stronger the feeling the stronger the mind

I'm not going to lie to you it's no easy task to find motivation when you have none

I bet like most on here you tend to over think things right thiufhts running through you head so fast you can't focus on one at a time right ?

You start to and you start to think I can do that but then something jumps it an blocks it like wait a min what about this problem then.

If the answer is yes to those them believe me it's very normal and here's a way of helping you with that I do it and advice everyone I come across to do the same you'd be surprised how much clearer things become then I explain the reasoning behind it.

You start a dairy just for you

When you start to think about a problem you write the problem down any solutions to that problem write down too

If your feeling low write down why your low what's made you feel low if you don't know why you write you don't know why.

Now the reason it helps is because number your going to feel like you told someone even if you haven't said a word to anyone so you've already halved the problem two it's going to help you explain how you feel to any Drs you may see better than memory alone could ever tell you you were feeling at the time and three ever problem you right down your brain doesn't need to keep hold of it can let it go thereby it's one less thought going a thousand mile an hour through your head so the more you write down the more you can focus on one problem at a time and give you mind a chance to rest does that make sense try it you'll be so surprised.

So that's the mind now the body the body is very complex so many nerve endings glands receptors etc so you need to stimulate them make the work for you ok so I use the gym exercise realeases feel good hormones as does doing things for yourself I don't know what you once enjoyed maybe bike riding or just going out with friends but there was something you did just for you a the sheer pleasure you got from doing it I know your probs thinking no nothing but think about it I mean before you got all tangled up in expectations and partners etc when you where you not what someone else thought you should be

It's really important you start to investigate doing those things again or find something that you enjoy doing again a new hobby something for you no one else you'll feel the benifet of the feel good hormones you top that with some meds from your gp and you'd be surprised how different you will feel hey god only knows you may start to love yourself a little ya know!

I think sometimes you try to live to what other people want or need and we forget who we are we become selfless and forget what we want to do what our goals are because we want to be there for someone or been seen to be doing what society expects from us in our everyday lives

Things become mundane boring routine our minds need stimulation we need to feel good it's human nature it's a basic requirement of our brains.

I want you to think or ask a child when they are bored how do they feel a small child maybe eight nine they don't understand depression or so they think it's not in there minds yet so the brain and body will tell them how to answer the question it's not in there vocabulary yet so watch what they do ( they take a deep breathe shrug there's shoulders and at the same time as they drop the shoulders they sigh) this is because even though they don't have it in the vocabulary the body and the mind know what it is to not be stimulated it's bored they don't look happy can't be bother etc it's the exact same thing with adults only we do understand then we think we over think and that is the set of depression we know what we have to do it's doing it that we struggle with

It's not a lot I know but IHope this helps stay in touch mike x

Good luck

 the way you are feeling is only likely to be today, tomorrow you might not feel it none of us can actually see the future, but we have some power in making it. You are feeling thingymeisation ( I call it) feeling no-one cares ( this is depression talking of course) and that they are just using you. Have you ever though to say something about this to them very subtly I would suggest, I mean if people dont realise they are treating you a bad way they may go on doing it. Tell yourself you have as much right on this planet as anyone else and no less rights than anyone else to be happy. Do things you havent done before. Ask youself what makes anyone seem as though they are self confident?

 Have you ever been downtrodden in your past?

 Is there a reason why you dont have children is this his decision or yours? of medical or a wish of yours not to have them. 

The way I see it is if a woman wants children its her god given right to have them and not the mans right to say you cant, it would be like denying him something physicaL that would be important to him-- if thats the problem ( and my husband agrees) ok he might walk out but then if he was that selfish you dont need him anyway, this is all assuming you do want them which of course would make you unhappy if stopped as you would be unhappy  if you or he are unable. But then you could foster or adopt to remedy that.

YOu must find out probably from when you were very young what you wanted in life. It might help you to follow up that desire now. good luck Gill