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I feel like there's no meaning in my life and I think that dying is the best way out.

Posted , 8 users are following.

Dean9307
Dean9307

Hi,

I'm a 23 year old male. Ive just graduated with a master's degree but im still no where good/confident/interested in searching for a job.

So all my life, I've been afraid of people and I guess things actually got better at one point. However, for the past few months, ive been a recluse. I barely spoke to anyone and even now, I have no friends. .

I'd like to tell ppl about how I feel, but I know that they are gonna judge me. So.. Im not good at expressing myself. I'm also prepared to receive judgmental comments here as I know people on the internet can be mean. Being a grown man makes me feel even worse to talk about this sort of stuff.

Anyway after some time, I also realized that what I've been studying might not suit me as it requires lots of leadership and I'm like a soft and cowardly person. I wanted to do something else like learning how to code, but I'm afraid that it might be too late for me and also I kinda get so unmotivated now. Nothing interests me anymore.

It's like when im alone, I dunno who to do it for. I used to get so excited when I'm doing it for someone like trying to compete and learn something before that person learns it, so that I can show off. But not anymore as I have no more frens and motivations

Recently, I just keep telling myself that if I end my life, everything will be over.. I don't have to force myself to work and talk to ppl. That's the thing, I don't really like the drama around people. Living a life is one thing, but working and having to listen to ppl bitch about everything.. I feel like I'd rather die than to live that life..

I know that I'm a grown man now, but my mental age might only be around 13-16yo. I just wanna talk about stuff that I'm interested in like TV shows, video games and music but I know thats not gonna happen and hence dying is the only option.

I also forgot to mention that I'm a quiet person so my teenage life wasn't that fun, and it's like I'm trying to get it back. Anyway sorry for a long winded post.

2 likes, 20 replies

20 Replies

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  • rosie301071
    rosie301071 Dean9307

    Posted

    Thank you for being so honest and I empathise with how you are feeling.

    I did a degree and graduated in 2010 it wasn't the degree for me and I found a job in a supermarket despite other people saying I was wasted in there as I had this degree and should be using it. I have recently graduated again this time in something I really wanted to do and I found the post graduate route was a good choice for me.

    Those feelings you are having about ending your life are your coping mechanism for your current situation and I wonder what life was like for you before the suicidal feelings came?? By that I mean was there something that started them off or has it been gradual?

    Please get some medical advice about how your feeling as I can guarantee you that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to talk about tv and music then that's ok tell us what kind of music you like,what tv shows interest you and what job you'd really like to do and maybe with some support you may feel differently over time.

    • Dean9307
      Dean9307 rosie301071

      Posted

      Hi Rosie,

      Thanks for the support. The feeling started 2-3 years ago when I realized my college life was about to finish and I had to find a job. That's why I advanced my study becoz I wanted to avoid finding a job. From there on, I stopped feeling true happiness.

      Since young, I've experienced social anxiety. Whenever I'm in a big crowd, I'm nervous about what people think of me. I prefer one to one interaction as it's easier to get one's attention. I'm also afraid of being scolded and Id rather be my own boss, or just a job where ppl don't scrutinize me too much and just let me do my job.

      Anyway, the depression started a few months ago when I knew my study was going to end again and I was also isolated in my room without talking to many ppl while doing my thesis and playing games all day.

      That made me contemplate about life, like what's the point of me living in this world. Now I just feel hopeless and purposeless where I don't even know what I'm interested in anymore. I keep wanting to lie down and sleep while having a good dream about how I can go back to the past. At the same time, I feel guilty becoz im letting my family down.

      I've lost touch with my old frens becoz im embarrassed to meet them and tell them how I haven't got a job.

      I really don't feel comfortable getting a GP becoz that means my parents will know about how awful a person I am. Most of the time, i just act normal around them, becoz I know that they wouldn't expect me to be like this.

    • rosie301071
      rosie301071 Dean9307

      Posted

      If you go to the GP it is strictly confidential and the doctor is bound by patient confidentiality so there is no way for your parents to know unless you choose to tell them.

      Social anxiety is an awful thing to try and cope with on your own and it's quite possible you'd benefit from seeing the GP.

      Sometimes doing something is much better for our well being than doing nothing.

      A friend once said to me "if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always had" even a small change can break the monotony of "same sh!t different day"

      Keep on keeping on and it will get better but you e got to want to it and take some responsibility for bringing about a change.

      I wish you well.

  • amanda35274
    amanda35274 Dean9307

    Posted

    Hey yr not a coward. Putting yrself down wont help. Xx try a little something each day something small. Small tasks is how im tryin to pull thru each day. Xx remember its an illness & the negative thoughts come from that xx

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