I feel like to die.

Posted , 4 users are following.

This is my post on any depression forum. I am not sure If anyone can be as stupid as me. Also no I am no going to suicide its just I am suicidal. Here goes my story. Please read and suggest if don't get irritated of reading such long boring paragraph.

I was healthy happy enjoying my life, new job. One day got ill was not able to breath properly. I went to a doctor he asked me to get thyroid and lung function test.i did and got Okay for next six months.

Now I caught cold from roommate and came down with fever.

First day fever was high, next day it came down to 99. Then 99 fever won't go away for two weeks. I never knew I had anxiety, I got scared as why I am I getting 99 fever and doctors were not able to figure out. They kept giving me paracetamol thrice I a day and lot of other antibiotics such as augmentine, docxy for one month. I had lot of blood test it did not go away.

Then one of my relative asked if I had got any blood test before and my anxiety kicked again I thought I have HIV from the thyroid test. I am from a middle class family we don't talk about things like HIV . I did not share this fear with my parents. Then I went to a new doctor she suggested me to get admitted so that she can thorough check up done and she would give antibiotic shots,she said sometimes bacteria don't come in report. I was happy that she would now get me tested for HIV and sole reason to get admitted that she would and I will get out that fear and all will be well.

I had lot of antibiotics in hospital to the point that I couldn't stand on my feet, the moment I stand on feet I would vomit, it felt like someone took my brain out and fun part is she did not test me for HIV. I left hospital with problems I never had before and my fever never went down all report were clear not even a single test out of range I was healthy.

I still had HIV anxiety which made me write suicide notes and I would cry myself out, I had convinced myself that I had it. Somehow I gathered courage got my self tested thrice in 2 years and then finally went to the psychiatrist to get me sane again and I now no longer have that fear. I still doubt but I overcome it.

Now I am depressed because am facing lot of health issues after hospitalization which I never had before. I am having gut issue not able to eat anything, before I could eat like horse. I am having kidney issues and edema in legs. Facing hairfall, dermatitis (white flakes everywhere ) I used have glowing skin.

Till now I am not able to find root cause of why are these happening and not able to correct it. It's been 2.5 years I am fighting and loosing my golden days. I am just 26. I am so depressed my complete day goes in finding what do next so that I can be healthy again.

I am not able to realise if it's due to my anxiety I am having issue or if I antibiotics changed my biology. I am fear that I will not be able to keep my fighting spirit now. I am breaking down. Every day I find some new prob with my health. It breaks me. I have not told anyone about what I a feeling in a hope that it will be better someday.

Thanks for reading such stupid and boring story of a stupid girl.

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  • Posted

     I think you are barking up the wrong tree possibly, you should be looking at vitamins

    deficiences notably B. try taking high dose that means 50 mg up to 300 t wice a day, it will give you a hot red flush but that just shows its working, this may help several things you have complained about. also take the other B vitamins and C high dose and see  if that alters things, it definitally sounds like vitamit deficiency.

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    • Posted

      Yes I am actually low on vitamins but I was low on them before too. I have now planned to take vegan and healthy diet route in hope of getting better but I am really frustrated to not see any results moreover everytime something or other health issue pops. Will try for a month an see development. Till then trying to hold on hope.
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  • Posted

    No doubt, it is tough and challenging time. I too had colitis for several years which doctors could not cure. 

    It took persistent positive thoughts (from deepest part of me) plus diet (mainly  fruits and veg) that  i got cured.

    So perservere. Our innermost source of Being is perfect but body is subject to so many influences. Let that positivity be always there which is always more powerful. 

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