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im just gonna give a breif background about myself to give whoever wants to help me a bigger image of whats going on
my name is karen, im 14 years old. for the first 11 years of my life i was abused and almost raped by my dad who is a pyschopath. there were several times my mother landed in the hospital because of what was happening. i have 5 siblings and when i was 5 i moved to a country called papua new guinea because my parents are doctors. i was also bullied at school because i came from a different country than everyone else and people always chose other poeple over me. beacuse of the abuse happening at home i also never got the love from my parents that i needed. the only person i could look up to was my older sister but i was always jeleous of her because people always chose her over me and this drove me crazy and there were certain times where i wanted to commit suicide. when we first moved there we were poor and all we could afford was bread. my mom couldnt find a job because she did not speak any english but after her 3rd year of living in this country she managed to open up a dental clinic and earn money. when i was 11 i moved to an expansive boarding school in europe with my two sisters i was extrmely happy because i was finally away from all the abuse. but the happiness only lasted 2 years. during my second year i met 3 people i became very close with. two which were 4 years older than me and one who was about my age. one of my older friends left this year and i dont keep incontact with her anymore. my other friend who is about my age is an incredible person who i trust a lot but i feel like it is only a one way relationship. if she had a problem i could help her but she wouldnt be able to help me. the last friend who is still at my school became very close with me this year, she would tell me things like im amzing, and incredible and i find this friend very fascinating but her words dont match her actions. i feel that when we are alone she treats me like im amazing but when we're out in public she chooses other people over me, like out of nowhere i dont even exist anymore. i started seeing the school therapist this year and i realized that the reason why i think she is so important is because i expect her to provide the the love i never got from my parents. she is a loving person but she rarely makes plans with me, she always turns me down but at the same time she tells me im so special. there were also several times i wated to commit suicide because of her and i kept having breakdowns this year because of her . i felt like the one person who understood me let me down and continued to do so. now i do not know what to do. i feel all the people around me are idiots and there is nobody who can help me. im always left out of events and people always choose other people over me. this drove me so crazy that at some point i obssessed over peoples approval over me and looked extremly desperate. i dont know who to ask for help anymore. i also think that its not the people around me who are the problem, its me. but if im the problem then whats wrong with? why do people lie around me ? why do they say one thing while their actions speak another? i cant even tell my mom about any of this because she is alreasy faced with so much stress. she spends most of her money on the school i attend and she sleeps in her office because she cant even afford an apartment, she showers at her friends house. i always have to act as if everything is fine around her when its not and that upsets me even more. i also feel extremly ungrateful for the things i have, i attend a school, have a roof to sleep under and also have food. why am i still unhappy? how can i change this? i have 3 more years of school and people are always excluding me out of everything i do not know what to do anymore. but one decision i've made so far i to seperate from the girl im close to because im tired of basing my decisions on the fear of losing her. but i also know that if i lose her i will have no one else i'd talk to. but im tired so im doing this anyway. please help me. i feel lost and unwanted where i am, what should i do?
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