i feel lonely, unwanted and lost. pleas help me

Posted , 6 users are following.

im just gonna give a breif background about myself to give whoever wants to help me a bigger image of whats going on

my name is karen, im 14 years old. for the first 11 years of my life i was abused and almost raped by my dad who is a pyschopath. there were several times my mother landed in the hospital because of what was happening. i have 5 siblings and when i was 5 i moved to a country called papua new guinea because my parents are doctors. i was also bullied at school because i came from a different country than everyone else and people always chose other poeple over me. beacuse of the abuse happening at home i also never got the love from my parents that i needed. the only person i could look up to was my older sister but i was always jeleous of her because people always chose her over me and this drove me crazy and there were certain times where i wanted to commit suicide.  when we first moved there we were poor and all we could afford was bread. my mom couldnt find a job because she did not speak any english but after her 3rd year of living in this country she managed to open up a dental clinic and earn money. when i was 11 i moved to an expansive boarding school in europe with my two sisters i was extrmely happy because i was finally away from all the abuse. but the happiness only lasted 2 years. during my second year i met 3 people i became very close with. two which were 4 years older than me and one who was about my age. one of my older friends left this year and i dont keep incontact with her anymore. my other friend who is about my age is an incredible person who i trust a lot but i feel like it is only a one way relationship. if she had a problem i could help her but she wouldnt be able to help me. the last friend who is still at my school became very close with me this year, she would tell me things like im amzing, and incredible and i find this friend very fascinating but her words dont match her actions. i feel that when we are alone she treats me like im amazing but when we're out in public she chooses other people over me, like out of nowhere i dont even exist anymore. i started seeing the school therapist this year and i realized that the reason why i think she is so important is because i expect her to provide the the love i never got from my parents. she is a loving person but she rarely makes plans with me, she always turns me down but at the same time she tells me im so special. there were also several times i wated to commit suicide because of her and i kept having breakdowns this year because of her . i felt like the one person who understood me let me down and continued to do so. now i do not know what to do. i feel all the people  around  me are idiots and there is nobody who can help me. im always left out of events and people always choose other people over me.  this drove me so crazy that at some point i obssessed over peoples approval over me and looked extremly desperate. i dont know who to ask for help anymore. i also think that its not the people around me who are the problem, its me. but if im the problem then whats wrong with? why do people lie  around me ? why do they say one thing while their actions speak another? i cant even tell my mom about any of this because she is alreasy faced with so much stress. she spends most of her money on the school i attend and she sleeps in her office because she cant even afford an apartment, she showers at her friends house. i always have to act as if everything is fine around her when its not and that upsets me even more. i also feel extremly ungrateful for the things i have, i attend a school, have a roof to sleep under and also have food. why am i still unhappy? how can i change this? i have 3 more years of school and people are always excluding me out of everything i do not know what to do anymore. but one decision i've made so far i to seperate from the girl im close to because im tired of basing my decisions on the fear of losing her. but i also know that if i lose her i will have no one else i'd talk to. but im tired so im doing this anyway. please help me. i feel lost and unwanted where i am, what should i do?

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Karen,

    How awful for you to be going through this. I do think it's related to your childhood where you were abused and afraid most of the time. You realised at an early age that you couldn't trust the very people who should be looking after you, and now you don't trust anyone. I'm not surprised!

    You feel lost and unwanted? Then stay on this forum and we will do our best to help you. Girls of your age are often unintentionally cruel to their 'friends' because of the fact that they're leaving childhood behind and learning to be  adults. This is very typical for girls - boys don't seem to have the same reactions until they get a little older. Remember also that girls have to adapt to huge hormonal changes in their bodies at this age - getting to need a bra, getting your first period, getting your first boyfriend.....it all becomes a competition.

    I felt very bad when I was your age, Karen. All the other girls seemed to have more confidence than I, and I felt they thought I was boring and didn't include me in anything. That phase passed by the time I was 17, and once I left school I found I had plenty of confidence.

    Stay on this forum. You'll soon have many more replies from people who care about you. Love Tess

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  • Posted

    Hi karen

    I agree with everything Tess has said  and also the trust factor due to the abuse you have been through..

    I also can relate to you feeling the need to fit in and feel accepted. I totally get the fact that you are frustrated by lies, feeling let down and being pushed out all the time.

    Everything  you are feeling is totally normal for someone that has been through the situations you have been.

    Firstly the abuse you have been through has absolutely nothing  to do with who you are and you are NOT TO BLAME for anyone elses behaviour.  That is so important for you to know this. 

    Yes you are seeking love from others outside your family and that is totally normal for someone that has suffered rejection.  You will feel let down by your friends as they cannot fill the place of your family or take away the pain you are feeling from the abuse, the stressful situation you are in.. None of this is your fault but understandable reaction to everything you have been through adnare going through.

    If your mood is low its understandable you won't be grateful for the things you have in your life.and you are not happy at this moment in time. So don't be hard on yourself for that.

    Are you getting support for the abuse you have been through?

    Have you been to see your doctor to talk about how you feel?

    I know this is going to be hard but you need to believe you are a wonderful, lovely person that has had a very rough time through no fault of your own.  You probably don't feel safe, trust anyone and feel very alone right now, no-one to turn to. This will not help your friendships in school and feeling you belong.  But with the right support this can turn round..

    I know your mum is going through a lot right now but so are you and its important your mum knows how you feel as you need more support. Its up to your mum so sort out her situation and not for you to take on that responsibilty as you are still very young.  If you feel you can't go to your mum.  Can you speak to your sister?  Go to someone in your school that deals with counselling?

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  • Posted

    I agree with all of the great advice above.I also think teenage years are hard enough anyway and we just get through them as best we can.

    Another thing just to think about. Can you try to really throw yourself into your studies? Is there a subject you are passionate about? A job you would love to do? A hobby you could get into? A club or team you could join?

    Your education can be your passport to a great life in the future.

    Good luck x

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  • Posted

    Dear Karen

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have been incredibly brave.

    It's not surprising you have so much difficulty with relationships after the lack of love and care from your parents . Well done for spotting the issues!

    Is there anyone else at school you can talk to? Are you still seeing the therapist ?

    I know it doesn't feel like it, but things won't always be this way. Hang on in there.

    Keep reaching out .

    Kay

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