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I've felt I guess what you can call depressed since middle school. Never really thought about it and never really made a big deal about it to anyone. Just kept to myself and repressed everything that I didn't want to remember. This past year I enrolled in this supposedly great high school that has me living away from home and recently my roommate moved into a different dorm with someone else so I have my own room now. At the same time, I recently had multiple panic attacks and out of control thoughts that usually led to me wishing for death. Because of this I reached out to my parents and have started seeing one of the school's counselors every Monday to help. At first it felt good to come out to my parents about how unhappy I've been feeling with life and with all my repressed emotions, and then it all hit me. Every memory and every feeling that I had repressed up to this point is rushing over me like a tidal wave and it's overwhelming. I can't sleep, I can't focus on my work, I feel more unmotivated than I ever have before and I've been bawling non stop. I've seen my doctor in my home town but they gave some stupid excuse for why they couldn't put me on any anti-depressants and it's because I'm living away from home so they can't monitor me. I just want to feel happy. I'm overwhelmed with the stress from this school and from the feeling of unimportance and hopelessness constantly flooding over me and I just have so much rage and sadness built up in me I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up. I want to just give up on everything I'm doing and go home, go home and sleep for as long as I am possibly able to. Go back to ignoring everything around me and to forget everything from my past. I've never felt suicidal before but tonight the feeling is stronger than ever and it's scaring me. I want to throw away any hopes and dreams I had so that I don't have to think about the stress they're bringing me. I wish everything was numb but at the same time I want to for once feel something real. I'm just so tired of everything. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do anymore with my life. I'm scared of failing and becoming a nobody worth nothing but at the same time I'm tired of working my ass off. I'm tired of dealing with the pain of life and with the constant clutter of my thoughts keeping me awake in fear of myself that I just want to stop doing everything and go home. But I'm scared of letting people down. I'm scared of being mocked, of being called stupid and weak for not being able to overcome this myself but I can't handle it anymore.
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