I feel lost, hopeless. I don't want to live like this.
Posted , 6 users are following.
I've felt I guess what you can call depressed since middle school. Never really thought about it and never really made a big deal about it to anyone. Just kept to myself and repressed everything that I didn't want to remember. This past year I enrolled in this supposedly great high school that has me living away from home and recently my roommate moved into a different dorm with someone else so I have my own room now. At the same time, I recently had multiple panic attacks and out of control thoughts that usually led to me wishing for death. Because of this I reached out to my parents and have started seeing one of the school's counselors every Monday to help. At first it felt good to come out to my parents about how unhappy I've been feeling with life and with all my repressed emotions, and then it all hit me. Every memory and every feeling that I had repressed up to this point is rushing over me like a tidal wave and it's overwhelming. I can't sleep, I can't focus on my work, I feel more unmotivated than I ever have before and I've been bawling non stop. I've seen my doctor in my home town but they gave some stupid excuse for why they couldn't put me on any anti-depressants and it's because I'm living away from home so they can't monitor me. I just want to feel happy. I'm overwhelmed with the stress from this school and from the feeling of unimportance and hopelessness constantly flooding over me and I just have so much rage and sadness built up in me I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up. I want to just give up on everything I'm doing and go home, go home and sleep for as long as I am possibly able to. Go back to ignoring everything around me and to forget everything from my past. I've never felt suicidal before but tonight the feeling is stronger than ever and it's scaring me. I want to throw away any hopes and dreams I had so that I don't have to think about the stress they're bringing me. I wish everything was numb but at the same time I want to for once feel something real. I'm just so tired of everything. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do anymore with my life. I'm scared of failing and becoming a nobody worth nothing but at the same time I'm tired of working my ass off. I'm tired of dealing with the pain of life and with the constant clutter of my thoughts keeping me awake in fear of myself that I just want to stop doing everything and go home. But I'm scared of letting people down. I'm scared of being mocked, of being called stupid and weak for not being able to overcome this myself but I can't handle it anymore.
1 like, 6 replies
Emis_Moderator john91979
Posted
Hi john91979,
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The organisations below can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen. If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to one of these organisations who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
There are several helplines in the US which can help you.
They include the Crisis Call Center on Phone: (800) 273-8255;
Hopeline Network on Phone: (800) 422-HOPE (1-800-422-4673)
and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on Phone: (800) 273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
Please do reach out - there are many good people who can help.
For users outside of the USA please have a look at this page https://www.befrienders.org/directory
Kindest regards,
Patient
g73525 john91979
Posted
Hi John, i dont know what age high school is but im guessing you're a teenager? There's such a lot going on for you here. Anyone would feel overwhelmed being away from home but you're also having an emotional watershed. This happened to my son and he experienced the panic attacks and the crying and the suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, things are just a bit of a wrong move and maybe this school isn't what you hoped. This happens throughout our lives and your well being has to come first. If you think its just trouble settling in, maybe you can ride it out but do keep talking to your counsellor and parents. Otherwise, it may be a fork in the road that you didn't see coming and you might need to go back home and receive the love and attention you need to process everything. My son changed schools when it happened to him and it was a rough few months but hes so much happier now. If you're totally miserable, admit it, you're so worth it and so precious - listen to what your body and soul is trying to tell you. I hope this helps you.
hypercat john91979
Posted
Hi I am not at all surprised that you feel like this but it is a normal reaction when you have repressed all emotion for so long. Of course it is overwhelming as you are not used to dealing with emotions.
Now think how long you have been doing this so it will take time to sort out. It won't happen overnight. I think you need to take a break as you can't study effectively whilst dealing with all this. Is it possible to delay your education for a year and move back in with your parents? That way you can see a therapist, get some meds, and sort out your mental health. It doesn't mean you are weak or a failure as we all need help sometimes. It means you are strong to recognise that you have issues and are dealing with them. Would you feel the same way if it was a physical problem?
Under no account go back to your previous ways as unless you start dealing with it will keep recurring throughout your life ruining your present and poisoning your future. x
sam18386 john91979
Posted
hi john, i don't know how old you are and how far from home you live but at uni you should get support off someone. if there us a counsellor go and see them, if not see your doctor who you're registered with whilst at uni. i hope you get the support you need. don't give up yet you're only young once and with the correct support you will probably and hopefully manage more easily. good luck to you.
diane98246 john91979
Posted
Hi John . . . it seems like these sort of experiences always seem to occur at around your age. I went through similar things back then and it didnt help that I was smoking marijuana. But I had the full fledged panic attacks and was forcing myself to drink this horrible nauseating concoction of orange juice and brewers yeast to get a megadose of Vitamin B (for the nerves).
I think that sharing your deeper self with your parents led to these even more intense experiences; but it sounds like stuff that just has to come out of you at this time.
It seems downright irresponsible of your gp to refuse you the much needed antidepressants. If he were competent he would have immediately referred you to a doctor where you were living who would take over your case and thereafter you could have two doctors who would share your file. Please do all you can to replace this inferior gp asap. The fact that he would turn his back on a patient who has suicidal thoughts is outrageous.
You don't need to throw away your hopes and dreams forever, just put them on hold for awhile and deal with this emotional life experience you're having first.
And please do not dwell on the reactions of other people - thinking you're weak, etc. With the help of a therapist and the proper medication you can get through this stage and move out of it and onto the next phase of your life.
Remember nothing is forever, all things pass, even the most intense things.
Very best of luck to you and please waste no time in finding a new gp, the proper antidepressants and anxiety medication and a therapist who is a good fit for you and who you feel you can open up to and trust. Do not get involved with any of those therapists who give you a cold stare and seem frozen and unfeeling.
rommon john91979
Posted
That is the worst part for me is the self fulfilling prophecy of being mocked for being "sad all the time" so I just keep it to myself, and the kettle is starting to boil over at this late stage of depression and anxiety.
Not sure if that helps at all, but you are far from alone in feeling like this, I hope we both find a silver lining that makes it tolerable to live with.