I feel so alone

Hey Nikki,

Warmest welcome to the site.......hope you find it helpful and friendly.

It sounds like you have not been living the easy life by any means, but good work for wanting to get thru it and battling on.

The age old saying springs to mind \"You can choose your friends but not your family\". They obviously have no idea what you have been, and are now going thru. They are very selfish and despite the support you may need from them, im sorry to say but you may have to look for alternative help.

Its a good thing you dont feel suicidal, a sign that you want a happy ending without any more suffering. I get the impression you are fairly hard on yourself, I really hope you dont blame yourself for these things that have happened.

Do you get or have you considered getting some counselling?

Its great to talk to someone professional about whats happening and allows you to offload without being judged and get advice or help in return. Im sure your doctor could point you in the right direction.

Depression is one of the hardest illness ive encountered without doubt....you dont know who to talk to, who u can trust and how to get help. This forum is a great start, everyone on here is suffering so we all pass on as much info as we can to help each other get thru.

Post here as much as you can and im sure others will respond and offer advice and a shoulder.

Hope this helps, all the best

Hello NikkiM,

I too would like to welcome you to this site.

We are all here to help each other, a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear and to share experiences and information.

I agree with Hightower on the counselling. I decided to give counselling a try, someone to turn to, to unload, to speak your mind, no judgement. For me it is working, a great release. Plus the help and advice from the other people on here. Any questions, comments post away. I am sure you will get wise words and support.

Take care.

Thank you HT, I do need councelling to help me get through this but where I live there is a long waiting list. I have tried to talk to my parents but they just say stop the stupid crying and get some help. I have suffered with depression in the past but not as bad as this time. Its as if the flood gates have opened and all the bad things that have happened to me in the past have caught up with me. I cant stop thinking about it. I only feel safe when I,m at home. I dont like going out of the front door even. I know I need to \"pull myself together\" thats what everyone keeps telling me but I cant at the moment. I feel so stupid.

nikkiM x

Nikki,

I have felt exactly the same as you do now - all my past problems came back in one mass to kick my ass and its pushed me over the edge and \"blew my fuse\" so to put it.

Home is the safest place as its your security blanket, i am the same...recently went to London and didnt feel at all happy til I got home away from the hustle and bustle. Anxiety got the better of me and the Flu didnt help.

You dont need to \"pull yourself together\", and comments like \"Stop crying and get some help\" dont help. Your family need to realise that comments like that are soul destroying and offer support instead of criticism. Depression is a physical illness, not a state of mind. So many people think we can just \"snap out of it\" and go back to living how we did before it happened but its not that easy, not one bit.

I feel a bit silly for doing this but i suggest it to everyone i post to.....my counsellor recommended a book called \"Depressive Illness - Curse of the Strong\" by Dr Tim Cantopher and having read it (twice thru!) i highly recommend it to everyone else as its easy to read and gave me so much help and understanding why im feeling how I am, and steps to take to make it easier to get better....maybe give it a try.

Im sure you arent a stupid person, otherwise you wouldnt be seeking help and would suffer alone. Therefore you are very intelligent in my eyes, keep up the good work.

Counselling is a blessing, i attached so much stigma to it before i got any....now i love it and look forward to my friday night sessions. A place you can offload your thoughts and concerns and get advice.....where you can feel safe and comfortable. I hope you manage to get some sessions soon.

All the best buddy, speak soon

Hi NikkiM and welcome

You really have been through it but i'm sure you are doing the best thing, getting help and joining this forum. I don't post much but i do read everything and its helped me no end.

Makes me so angry to read \"pull yourself together\" etc.. comments like that just make you feel worse. If we could just pull ourselves together then surely we would. I had it said to me so in the end didn't tell many people how i was feeling. Started to think people just though i was stupid and could just snap out of it if i wanted to.

I've now been on flu 11 months and am slowly wheening myself off of them. Been doing okay and things have turned bad in my life now so not sure how i'll be getting on from now on.

Good luck to you and keep strong

Hope to hear from you soon

SamB x

Hi NikkiM

Just on my way out but felt i needed to reply to you.

Have you looked for your local mind group you can find it on the internet.

It was recommended to me Its means tested so if you have no income they will still helpand im sure you should find not a long waiting list.

My husbands work has paid for me to have 6 councelling sessions and it has just been wonderful to off load onto someone.

I am now in the process of looking for a Mind Group as i know i haven't even touched the edge yet.

Take care keep posting it helps.

Lizzy

Morning all, I would like to thank you all for the replies and your kind words. I now feel like Im not on my own :P. Last night was terrible I didnt sleep much and when I did I had terrible nightmares. I wonder if this is due to the Flu or not I,ve been taking it for 6 days now. The only other side effect I,ve had so far is a dry mouth. I feel shattered this morning and I feel I could sleep for a week. I feel I can cope better now I,ve joined you all, I finally feel that I have met people that understand and care. So many many thanks to you all. I wish you all well and thanks High Tower I have ordered the book you recommended from Waterstones and its on its way. I look forward to reading it. I will post again soon love NikkiM xx

Hey Nikki,

Glad you dont feel on your own, cos you most certainly aren't...we're all in this one together. This forum is a ray of light for me and hope its the same for you.....its been a blessing from the start.

Those side effects are signature Flu....i still have dry mouth 17 wks in, but the sleep and nightmares are getting less frequent. The Flu sends your mind racing at night and is most certainly causing the nightmares; maybe listen to some soothing music/read before bed to clear your mind.

Good stuff for ordering that book, its my bible so to speak but only i have more faith in its messages!

Speak soon Nikki, be safe and all the best x

Hi High Tower, just thought I would post to let you know my book has arrived and I have read chapter 1 and 5 so far and I,m finding it so useful. I now understand more about how I,m feeling and why. I,ve stopped trying to make my parents understand after mum suggested I maybe felt a bit low because it was a full moon!!!! If only!! I have this image in my head that she must think that I sit in the garden howling at the damn thing!! I have had a good few days this week and I hope it lasts.

I hope you are okay

All the best

NikkiM x

Hi Nikki,

just remember, as someone said earlier, you choose your friends not your family.

I have been lucky enough to have a good friend who has been thru Depression so understands it and passes the tissues when i need them. Could talk to dad as he has had it bad and understands.

Couldn't talk to mum - she would just tell me how she had had it so much worse and that i have nothing to complain about. Then would ask every half hour how I was feeling. Don't need that.

We all just need a good bud to lean on. I have always been the one everyone came to with probs but never had anyone to got o myself. The ony person moved away about 10 years ago! Guess I must have finally worn her out (lol! Just kidding).

I am so glad I found these forums. I have got good advice on a lot of conditions and drugs i am on and it is all making a bit more sense!

Keep fighting and look for the light behind the clouds!

Bright Blessings all!

Hi NikkiM,

I hope you feel a little bit better now as a few days has passed since you started taking Fluoxetine. I feel that I can relate to how you are feeling as my family and my boyfriend were totally unsupportive in regards to my illness and medication. I never felt like I wanted to kill myself either – more like it didn’t matter if I lived or not, if you see the difference.

They have now started to change their attitude towards it all – mostly because they can see how much I have improved and how much better I feel. My boyfriend still hates the fact I am on ‘happy pills’ but my mum and dad appreciates the fact that the ambulance doesn’t have to come every week cause I have a panic attac! I hope that people around you will start helping you out more – but you can rely on us here and try to sell us how you feel as we’re all in the same boat.

Lots of love,

Pumpkin9

Many thanks LellyM and Pumpkin9 for your replies,

I have been feeling much much better from last week and I thought life would be more bearable until my husband dropped the bombshell that his cancer ( we were both diagnosed at the same time) is now terminal. I have fallen apart I cant cope once again. I,m breaking my heart just writing this now. I keep wondering why bloody life is so damn cruel. Although we are separated and too much has happened to ever go back I rememberr the good times we had.

We have had to tell the children, which was heartbreaking. I know I,ve got to be strong but I am finding it too hard to bear at the moment. My parents have changed and are more supportive but they dont understand.

I,m sorry if I,m waffling but I have so much I want to say and no one to say it to.

My doctor says that because I feel better on flu I dont need councilling now. I have said that I do and now more than ever.

Sometimes I feel like I cant go on and I take a look at my kids and that makes me even more determined to fight this horrible depression.

I will post again soon and I hope you are all okay

I cant see through my tears to type anymore so see you all soon

keep strong xx

NikkiM xx

Oh NikkiM,

life just isn't fair sometimes is it.

I wish I could stick an arm around your shoulder and say - it will all sort its self out. Consider this a virtual hug.

I know that sympathy is counter productive but empathy is a good thing.

These are the things life throws at us that, in better times, we could cope with.

A friend once said \"God never gives you any thing to deal with that is beyond you\". If I believed in the great bearded one maybe that would be a comfort!

Keep going and try to find the good in every day. Live for your children's laughter!

It breaks my heart reading what you have written.

I don’t like telling people that things will be alright when I know it may not.

However, we cannot decide over life and death as it comes but we can decide over the time we do have on earth together and I am sure that when you feel better you will be stronger.

My heart goes out to you .

P x x

Hi NikkiM

I don't know what to say to you but want to send you a big hug. I too wish i could throw my arms around you.

Lots of love

SamB xx