Posted , 7 users are following.
Hi anybody who reads this.
Ive been trying to go online, in forums etc and look for understanding as to how the mind works. Im naturally a bit anxious and a person who experiences really strong emotions (both good and bad) I can feel both really happy and then utterly devastated, it doesnt have to be related to anything especial having happened, its like it comes from "within" me, and feelings are out of my control most times. I usually function really well and i have learned to live with myself, ups and downs. Have never been diagnosed with anything or medicated.
The thing is every other year or so, i get worse or more prolonged episodes of anxiety. I am in the middle of one of these things right now. It can start with something fairly minor, like having been stressed out a lot or dwelling on some problem or past events. And i get stuck. Anxiety has moved in 24-7. Its like i have awoken in a whole new world- a world that is nothing like it was yesterday. Its all dark and grim and filled with bad memories. I start to feel intense guilt over events long gone, doubts in myself and anxiety through most of the day bordering fullblown panic at times. I engage in negative thinking patterns, feel unable to experience postive emotions about things i normally do, feel like i am not loved and my boyfriend will leave me for being "crazy". I will go so far as to think i was never meant to be born. Irrational thoughts i know, but they feel so strong and real. I lose my apetite and my sleep suffers. I can go to sleep, but i awake in the wee hours of the morning, anxious and unable to go back to sleep. I dont recognize myself and i dont feel like "me". This in itself is very scary. Right now i have been feeling this way for about a week, nothing especial has happened that has been unexpected for me.
I did have similar bouts in the past, and did then seek out a medical attention several times, but i wasnt taken seriously. Eventually i got a small prescription for a benzodiazepine, which i took very carefully and only when needed. The last time i felt as bad as this, it lasted about a month and then it was like i one morning woke up and felt "normal" again. My true feelings came back and i could sleep and eat perfectly fine again, any more severe anxiety hasnt occured for a prolonged time until now (2 years later). I realize that this is a long post, and may be all to incoherent or uninteresting to read, but maybe someone does. Im just wondering how this can be so, that my anxiety lifts on its own like that? Does the mind finally just give up and cant go on in such a state? Many people on forums relating to anxiety seem to suffer for so long and not so to speak "naturally heal" (for the time being).
If nobody replies to this thats fine, it elt good to get off my chest though. I dont have a lot of people around me who "get" mental health issues and understand anxiety. They more or less consider me "too dramatic".
Hugs to all you people out there who help others using forums, ur great!
1 like, 23 replies
sam13693
Posted
Just got out of bed this morning, and i once again had a bit of a bad night. I can go sleep just fine, but i awake long before my alarm goes off. I cant go back to sleep, and when i awake my brain is immidiately in overdrive, ruminating and bombarding me with thoughts. I feel anxious then, probably more than any other time of the day. Its truly horrible. I just want to sleep normally! I do have a fulltime job, meaning i cant function as well with a lack of sleep. Also it isnt all that pleasant to wake up with a sense of dread either. I feel so damn alone when i lie there in my bed and toss and turn. I get a feeling of helplessness and start sobbing often times. I sleep alone at them moment.
I could provide some backstory which probably helps explain some of this. About a week ago i traveled to my hometown to stay for the summer, from the city i have lived in for about 7 years now. It hasnt been an easy winter/spring. I decided back in january to mutually split with my longtime partner, although we have kept living under the same roof. I thought i was fine with this and had accepted it- normally i actually do feel like i have. There are benefits to this too, and i know it is for the best. For the last couple of months i have felt a sense of relief as to leaving the relationship, its been put off for years really! But i have been an absolute coward, not daring to leave until he finally said "we have to and since you wont take the step i have to". The romantic feelings at least from my side have subsided and are simply not there. I realize that this means a split is inevitable. I do however love him dearly still, and he is a huge part of my perceived security and stability. I have been with him for so long (aged 16-24) that i however am not sure of my identity without him. He feels like family to me, and thinking he isnt going to be around for me anymore scares me and fills me with grief. I can understand this rationally, and i think grief is in order, but not anxiety cause it simply doesnt help! The last couple of nights i spent in our mutual apartment, i too awoke early before my alarmclock and had some minor anxiety, but it is first since i have traveled back here (a place heavily connected with him coming with me) that it has escalated. All of this has led to a lot of thinking about my identity and who i am. I have for example never met or known anything about my biological father either, normally this doesnt plague me too much, but in all of this it feels as if it has come up to the surface again. Like i have no idea who i am or anything anymore. (I normally do not think like this!) When i wake up in the morning i feel like a little child almost with such an intense longing for someone to hold me. I realize that im not physically lost, i have just wandered off to deep in to my mind.
I know i put a lot of information in there but, the bottomline is, does anyone share the experience of waking up early like that? What can be done? I would think that after a few nights one would be so tired and just sleep? This has only lasted about 3 nights now, but it wears on me. Normally i can sleep for long periods of time up to 12 hours even (!).. I feel calmer at night and can go to sleep, but i realize it comes with me subconsciously. Is it really bad to have a smaller amount of alcohol? Im careful as to not drink too much, cause this causes even worse anxiety i know. Im considering booking an appointment with a doctor, to see if i could get some sedative. I have had this in the past, and used it most carefully. I am well aware of it being addictive and very shortterm way of dealing with anxiety. But sometimes it might be enough to know that there is some form of aid to take when its at it worst? However it isnt easy to get a prescription..
I hope all of you out there are having a good day..im workbound in a few hours maybe that can take my mind of things
simon45806 sam13693
Posted
Me and Joyce have touched on that. I am at my worst on a morning. I open my eyes and I feel fine then within a few minutes they vale lowers and the anxiety starts. I do have times when I can't sleep and then the days where I may get 10 - 12 Hrs.
I found that its always the negative things in my life that raise their head. My fathers death - My split from my girlfriend of five years. Money worries etc. I can be a worst enemy to my self. Its just a mtter of trying not to let it take over at that point in the day. I find if i just get up and start pottering round the house doing a few chores etc it helps me get through the worst part of the day. I do have to try and stick to a routine when im having my episodes otherwise that little voice in my head ( I call mine Geoff after a past employer who i detested lol) takes control. Enjoy your day and keep us posted
Si
sam13693 simon45806
Posted
Yeah ive realized that mornings tend to be especially difficult for people with anxiety/depression. I did read a possible explanation as to why stating that cortisol levels are at their peak in the morninghours, causing a stressed person to wake up. If only there was a way to lower them automatically! I wont give up!
Hope you are having a good day!
/Sam
susan88207 sam13693
Posted
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