I have a 15 yr old daughter with anxiety and social phobia.

Hi Fiona,

Thnkng of you,

At least the social worker may be able to get her there,you know the saying they always play up the ones that's closest,they are trained and  have a way of dealing with it they have seen it before.It is good they are chasing the school ,

I know you don't want to be lying but could you make up you did not know she was coming,a little kidology,its justa little white lie.

Lets us know how it goes.

That's what I said to the support worker lol.she will say she hadn't a chance to read it or something like that. Hopefully,it will go ok 

Hello Fiona,

Does your daughter go out at all? Can she push her boundaries? What I mean is...if she can go to the corner store, can she go with you for a walk around the park and back home again? Baby steps. As anonymousgirl suggested, when you fear something, you to part of the way towards what you fear, then a little more the next time and finally you reach a place but you don't go in. The therapist should be open to this very common therapy.

It is often used for people who are afraid of flying. The airlines even provide programs. The person goes to the airport...and home again. The next time the person goes inside the airport. Finally after maybe another step or two, the person boards an aircraft for a moment. On it goes. I've seen it on a documentary for the fear of spiders. It started with the person looking at a picture of a spider and ended up with the person standing near a tarantula, looking at it! The good thing about such an approach is that it works relatively quickly. You become desensitized through exposure. 

Maybe your daughter could go to the drama building today...not inside. Tell her you will celebrate tonight because it will be the first step in her journey towards a better future. Maybe use some humour. "Dear, you just have to LOOK at the building."Laughing does release endorphins after all!

Good luck. We are all rooting for your daughter. (I hope rooting is not a bad word in the UK. I think it is in Australian...but not in Canada.)

Robin

Good they will get round it.

Thinkingof you.

Hi robin. It's not a bad word here in the uk .she doesn't go out by herself but will come out with me to the shops etc. though she doesn't like speaking to people when we are out. Hence I have to deal with paying for things. She used to spends some weekends at her dads and it was his partner that would put so much pressure on her to for example go and buy an ice cream. Of course my daughter couldn't so that would start the biggest arguments about my daughter.and I mean bad. Screaming and shouting between my ex and his partner and her threaten  to leave. It got so bad I had to go get her one day and she has refused to go back there again since. Though her twin brother who has Asperger's still goes there. I think this is what started alt of this off. Her missing school started with Fridays cause she would have to go straight to her dads after school. So she started missing Fridays at school.she got behind with her art which she only did on Fridays.then she got anxious about going in because of being so behind. Hence it all snowballed. Then her friends were being bitches and not understanding what she was going through and one in particular would shout at her.she particularly hates shouting cause of the arguments at her dads though then if she had had a bad day at school cause of her friends she wouldn't want to go in the next day.so she was missing about 2 days a week of school. Now her science teacher who is also the head teacher at her school called her up to the front of the class and humiliated her in front of the whole class by calling up on the interactive whiteboard her attendance and making her look at a graph of it.she was so upset she wouldn't go in the next day cause she had science again.and her classmates told her he commented to the whole class that "she wasn't in again " so to round up....going to her dads caused her anxiety firstly, then her friends were unsupportive. And now the head teacher has added to this and made everything ten times worse. So there's all that going on and the fact she hates talking to people especially about all of this has made it all worse.though the support worker is going to call the school for me about the flexi schooling cause they are ignoring my emails now. God it looks awful when I type it all down. 

Do you know what the cause of her anxiety was before the arguments at her father's? You said that the arguments began because she couldn't do things like by a ice cream, which suggests that the anxiety was already there before the arguments, and the arguments just exacerbated the situation. 

OMG...that is terrible! Poor kid! How insensitve and cruel the science teacher was with her. School is over thank God...so if/when she goes back in the fall, it will be a fresh beginning. But did she pass her year? If not, can she take summer school to get through? In a sense it would be a fresh start..with new people, new classrooms, new teachers. Her therapist could apprise the teacher(s) of your daughter's fragile state so that they deal with her in a gentle way. 

You already have enough on your plate with your son who has Aspergers... Does your daughter have a touch of it as well? I do volunteer work in a school for kids with autism spectrum disorders including those who are very high functioning with milder Aspergers. I don't know if there are such schools where your daughter could attend...if she falls into that category.

Her father should make an effort to make up with your daughter. Could he go to your house to visit once or twice a week and give her the hugs and support she needs from her Daddy. 

My son at her age had social anxiety which sounds a lot like what you are describing in your daughter. He didn't like to speak to people, face them and have conversations. He felt trapped and wanted to 'escape'. At age 36 he is still like that to some degree although he is married and has a child and a good job. If I had known then when he was in high school what I know now, I would have taken him to a clinic that specializes in Social Anxiety. and had him treated for what I figured was low brain serotonin levels. Cognitive behavioural therapy helps as well, of course.

As mothers we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. So things must be very tough for you right now. I hope you have the support of family and friends. If you are trying to juggle work as well, it must be very stressful. Maybe you can take a leave of absence. Doctors recognize that people can only be under just so much stress. You will suffer a burnout. If you have the summer to work with your daughter and get her on the right path to recovery, it might alleviate the stress on everyone.

I wish you good luck!

Robin 

 

I'm not sure what could of started it. She was ok at school until she started year 10 in September 2013. Whatever started it happened from that point. She's always been a bit shy but nothing like this. I think she never liked her dad's partner.when he decided to live with her her didn't tell the kids in advance .he turned up to pick them up and just said we are going to our new house and then they found out she had moved in when they got to the houses he didn't ask them in advance what they thought of the idea of her living with them. She is older than me and has different ideas about things. She takes the kids phones away from them as soon as they walk in the door and they are not allowed them until Saturday.that annoys me as it's me that pays for the phones etc. my kids are 15 it's not like they are little children. But I think that may of made her more introverted .if that's the right word. They would force them to sit and watch films whether they wanted to or not. They would force them to do a lot of things that teenagers really don't want to do. I could understand that for younger children but not at their age.it just all went downhill from there. 

Hi robin. Here in the UK the kids haven't finished school. They break up on 23rd July. So still another 2 1/2 weeks to go. They don't pass the year. They are currently working towards their exams which they take next May/June.and they do coursework during the year towards their final marks. 

The therapist has told her head of year and she is meant to of informed all her teachers but either the science teacher paid no attention and thinks he knows best or she didn't do her job and didn't inform all the staff that she has dealings with. 

There is a school that is for children with mental health issues but it's further away than the school they are currently at. Though that is not really an issue as I have to do a 20mile trip to take them to the school they are at anyway. But she would have to meet new people all over again and she's worried that it could end up being worse than where she is now. She always thinks the worst rather than trying and seeing. It could be a good move but at the moment we are focusing on trying to get the school to agree to this flexi schooling.

as far as her dad goes she last saw him 3 weeks ago. He came and picked her and her brother up and took them out for food. He gave her her presents before she came home. She was very nervous about seeing him. He did try and get her to agree to go to his house one day saying that his partner won't be there. But that just made her more anxious as she really doesn't want to go to his house in case she was there or she turned up.she would freak if that happened. Her dad has effectively chosen her over his daughter. So I can't see her ever wanting to be anywhere near his partner again.she really is a bitch. My family is 90 miles away and even though I get support from my mum via the phone there's really nothing they can do from there. Funny I moved away from them because of exs job.we were together at the time. Worst mistake I ever made. And because of not working due to my sons Asperger's friends are very few. Again those I have are in my hometown and really care more about their own lives. God I sound so depressive . Hope it doesn't rub off on any of you. 

She did well small steps,these letters will be addressed to you I suppose so can you keep them from her, did your daughter hear this ,

There will be away round it I am sure .

Keep us all posted we are with you.

Yes she was standing right next to me. I hope we can get something sorted before these letters start coming . Thanks for your support . It means so much :-)

OK

dont get to stressed,we will cross that bridge when they arrive,or hopefully will be something less stressful before they arrive.

Thinking of you