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I am 19 years old. I am fat, ugly, and have not done anything great in life up till now. I don't think I ever will. I don't articulate very well so please bear with me.
My dad has a transferable job and I have lived in 4 cities in the last 4 years and this year will be moving to a new one(but that's for college). I have had and lost so many friends and experiences. It's saddening and deeply frustrating to feel quite so lonely all the time. I also find myself not trying very hard to maintain those lost friendships. It is very hard to establish roots in a new place so many times and I've only ever felt more tired and saddened every new place I go. Since I am slightly introverted, it takes me time to open up to a new group of people.
I know I seem like a happy person because I joke and laugh with people once I open up enough, but where once it was a natural feeling, I now feel forced and pushed to do it. I spend most of my time alone, quietly and my mind going over a million things a minute over something from the past or some such event.
I don't know why or when this started but in my early teen years I was always quite outspoken and freely met people and was not bothered by having to move to a new city. Then about 7 years ago I started to feel less of myself, started being unsure of myself, felt underconfident about things I usually wouldn't, but I always managed to push those feelings aside. I gradually lost my feelings of inferiority and I was a pretty happy person till 3 years ago. I figured every teenager feels those things at some point so it couldn't have been something especially terrible that I was feeling - something apart from others in my peer group who must've hid some of their problems too. I had grown to love that place and the people there after staying there for four long years - after having moved almost yearly before going there. I'd enjoyed living there; I had done pretty great in my studies and I had lovely friends. So I did not relish the idea of leaving; yet it didn't bother me too greatly at the time. Initially all was well - I had a new friends circle in a new city, my studies were alright. It wasn't a very good place if I were to pick it apart. But I also was very much in touch with my old friends. Soon enough, I wanted to go back - I would talk to my old friends all the time, choose facebook and whatsapp over studies, sometimes not pay attention in class. Sure enough, I did badly in tests and exams. I felt terrible about it - I have always been a dedicated student, always enjoyed maths and science and yet I had done very badly. I felt very ashamed and tried to put away my distractions. I ended the year well with good grades and was starting to grow to like this new place too. I didn't have to cut off ties my old friends either completely to manage distractions but had found a balance and was still developing good bonds with the people here. And then my dad got transferred again.
I absolutely flipped; I screamed and shouted and revolted at the idea of going to yet another place - that too in the last year of school - when I had finally started to like where I was. I did leave; I was miserable for the first two months. I was quiet and shy and didn't feel like doing anything. My studies suffered, my focus never got together and even though I managed to mix in somewhat towards the end and had found a kindred spirit, I did not do well in the finals and entrance exams for colleges. Throughout the year, I felt underconfident, I had grown fat and felt ugly, I always felt tired and subdued, and I HATED feeling that knowing I had no business lamenting over things as petty as moving places when I had been blessed with a good upbringing. Yet I was so saddened all the time - and could never find the spirit and fire to compete and achieve something that I KNEW I have always had in me previously. That's when I started making stupid decisions. So last year I decided I would give another shot at entrance exams and stay home for a year(a drop year) in the yet another new city; I would study hard on my own, I stopped talking to everyone of my friends, absolutely spent the entire year literally alone with no one to talk to but my mother - and there's only so much I can tell my mother without feeling horrible about being a burden to my parents and being useless all around. I rallied for some time, but then I started feeling extremely suffocated, I could not concentrate, I could not stick my head in my books. I constantly thought about everything that I could've done right and it was frustrating and depressing to think that when I had never been one to fret. And what was more pathetic was this awareness that I wasn't like this earlier when I was young and when it mattered little what I did than now when I had potentially started building my life. I don't know.. I also felt like I never had fun anymore; that I didn't how it felt to have fun anymore. I didn't feel happy doing things that I previously enjoyed. I tried swimming to relax my head and body but I just couldn't rid the spiralling mire of guilt and unhappiness. I felt so undermined - I constantly, constantly felt that I didn't have it in me to achieve and do well, something that I never felt before, something I never THOUGHT about feeling before, you know? I don't know.. the only thing that made me forget this was if I read novels or watched movies or somehow kept my head occupied. Everytime I would sit down to study I would start feeling terrible about lost opportunities and think about my friends achievements over and over and over again. I tried meditating but couldn't get any satisfactory result. It was pathetic; I know if somebody had told me they had this problem to committing to hardwork, I would think it was pathetic and an attempt to escape blame. But I knew all too well feeling low and embarrassed and sad ALL THE TIME. Hence, I read and read and read novels or stupid even fanficton or just do anything to keep my mind occupied. No wonder my studies suffered.
I have not done too great this year. I have not gotten any of the places I wanted. And I feel even worse about myself. I feel I would be much better off away from my parents, after repeatedly being such a disappointment to them, being such an useless person, being so wholly underaccomplished. I don't think I will ever have anyone I could relate these things to without sounding like a whiny, self-absorbed brat. I know I probably do now too, with my little problems when people everyday fight against so much. But I feel so.. drained, and worn out, and I don't know what to do anymore to conquer this constant feeling of loneliness and emptiness because I don't want to feel it and I hate the feeling. It's not like I haven't tried reaching out to people. I tried to talk to my mother that maybe my having moved so many places hampered my studies and routines, but I can't do that without sounding like someone whining about how they couldn't get any of my favorite colleges and blaming it on their parents. I tried telling that maybe I needed a friend to talk to but they don't understand why I would need a friend to study with. And I feel worse because *I* had refused to take coaching classes and thereby losing any chance to gain mates I could talk to in the new city. I try to reconnect with my many many circles of old friends, and I have, but frankly it's depressing to watch them moving on with their lives and enjoying college but still keeping in touch by having reunions. Is that spiteful jealousy on my part? Watching them doing great things and knowing that I won't ever do that because I am not where they are and how talented they have shown themselves to be? I feel like there's so much effort I have to put in to sound normal. I feel so undeserving and desparate. I don't know how to stop feeling this. Just going incognito again? I don't think so. It cost me everything this time. I understand things more clearly now, I think. I get that I would feel alright once I go to college and have peers around me. I understand that I would do well in the things I want to only when I am happy and content and don't have a head obsessing over little things from the past. I understand, but I don't feel good about myself.
I am in yet another new city now(since the past month), but I'm going to join a decent college elsewhere pretty soon. I don't want to start it with a depressed head on my shoulders. Please tell me if I am just being stupid and a brat or it is normal to feel this way for a person like me. Please tell me if what I feel has anything to do with depression.
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