I have been having panic (I think) attacks in school what do I do?

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So I am a 16 year old male 17 in 2 months. Hi. Anyway I am going to tell you the a version of my life story for context. I spent my life up until I was 13 living on a farm with my mom dad and 7 siblings, after that my parents separated and my mom moved to town I spent half my time with her starting then. she had always home schooled me and my siblings and she kept doing that till I was about 15 ish, then I joined a school program where I did most of my work online, I only had to go in a few hours a week and didn't have to talk to many people (by the way I was never very social, I talked to a few people on the internet but in real life I only knew like 4 people outside the immediate family) I was happy with that program but wasn't motivated so I didn't do enough work, so about 3 months ago I moved to a normal school program I liked it I enjoyed the human interaction and I hated weekends and holidays cause I couldn't go in and talk to my friends or learn stuff (did I mention I love learning stuff at school?) But a while ago maybe 4 weeks? I started feeling something I didn't understand it at the time and I'm not 100% sure I do yet. I would start getting weird muscle twitching every where, I would have a little trouble focusing and forgot some things, stuff like that. I didn't think much at first it wasn't to bad I could ignore it, and I did but it has been getting worse and worse, I don't know why but I think it's anxiety. I will be fine for my first 2 periods then about 15 minutes before we switch classes I start to stress, (not about anything its odd I just get stressed) and it gets worse and worse by about 5 minutes into 3rd period I am having trouble focusing, nothing feels real or like it matters, I have constant muscle spasms and shaking, I will get lost in thoughts about nothing and snap out to find I have been grabbing stuff and holding it tight, pulling my hair, rubbing my face, or sitting with my legs pulled up tight to my chest rocking back and forth on my chair, ect. It settles most of the symptoms a lot if I have an interesting human interaction I'm interested in to focus on, but not enough that my friends don't look at me odd and ask what's wrong, I have multiple times had someone drag me to my brother and ask "is he okay?" Or "what is he on" and he will look at me and say something like "I'm not sure to be honest) and I will assure them I'm fine. These symptoms last anywhere from until 5th period to sometimes even 8th period. I could ignore these but I talked to my teachers and I was getting all grades need this that were mostly A's and a few B plus's or B's but in 4 of my classes my teachers say based on my work from the past week I am failing. All this because no mater how hard I try I can't focus. I'm worried any advice or help would be good. It might be good to mention that I am not doing any drugs and never have, I once got kinda drunk and once drank like halk a gallon of mountain dew and was basically high from the caffeine in that but aside from that I just about never take caffeine. It also might be relevant to mention I think I might be suffering from depression, for about 2 to 4 months I'd guess I have been getting really dark and sad or depressed (human interaction usually makes it a bit better cause I have to force a smile and that makes it ni so bad cause I have something else to think abiut) but that's about it, I hope some of you read this and some of you have some advice. Ask me for clarification anywhere you need, thank you already smile

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  • Posted

    It also might be relevant that I have slight gender disforia and I'm 89% sure I'm a girl in a guys body, but almost no one knows that because my parents are very religious and I would be screwed if they found out, I can't even wear anything remotely feminine/paint my nails, dye my hair, wear any make-up and or jewelry. If I did my mom would think school was wearing off on me and remove me. I don't think that's related but it might be.
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    • Posted

      Yes that's what I think, but I don't know what to do about it. I want to go see a therapist or something but, A. I can't see the school therapist because I have a crippling fear of people I know knowing something is wrong with me even if its just her I can't talk to almost anyone I know about it because of that or even perple that I don't know but see regularly. I could go see a therapist but I can't afford 1 without my parents help, and that would mean telling them I need to see 1, so I am wondering about other possible fixes. Because my education is very important to me and I don't to to waist my life because if this.
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    • Posted

      Yes I know. In fact I remember while I was sitting in class unable to hear the teacher through the fog of my mind thinking I needed to get help, but I keep thinking up reasons not to, like if I tell my parents then they might want to know what's wrong, and I can't tell them, I also worry that my mom (who has suffered depression before and tried to kill herself) would feel she was to blame for my mental health, and she already has so much on her plate I couldn't bare to add more, even just the thought of her worrying about me is depressing, I also worry that people would treat me different/think I was just speaking attention if I told them. Speaking of that I feel like I sound like I'm just looking for attention or validation or something, sorry I'll try and stop.
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  • Posted

    I'm no doctor or expert on this but I feel your pain.   All I can add is that first you can't blame yourself because after 15 year at home going to school would have any of us shaking and out of place.  But no, you started with a kick and you adjusted like no othere. You should be pruud of yourself. 2nd, their is nothing wrong with you if you are a male outside and feel like a female inside. Learn to love yourself first so the real you can love the others.  As for your mother, that is a delicate subject and I agree with you.  So what ever you do  take it one tiny step at a time.  You are not to be blamed and you have to live your life the way you feel happy.  That dark feelling is called depression, and is all in your mind but it feels real including the pain.  I honetly don't have a sugestion for the same reasons you mention.  But your first step is to undersatnd that you are an incredibe young man and you have a heart BIGGER than life so be proud and walk tall my friend. Live the life you want to live and be happy.  Some people will not like it and some will, but you are the first in line so be happy with yourself first. ;-)   
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    • Posted

      This was nice to hear thank you. smile I just want to mention that I do love myself for being a girl, that fact is mostly relevant because I can't express the way I want. My parents are very religious so I have to keep it under wraps. I guess you are right I need to love myself, and I can most of the time. But a few times a day or so then I can't because I will remember something I did that I don't like and I feel bad about that. But I will try what you suggest. Thanks for the encouragement. smile
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  • Posted

    We all have done things we don't like but if you regret it and you do not do it again then let it go.  I did a few things I'm not proud of and back then it made me cry thinking about it but now I don't because I know I'm a better person.  God bless and stay connected, forums do help people release some of that stress. ;-)
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