I have been suffering from this anxiety for the past month

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I am 32 about a month ago I googled photos trying to find out a fungus that I have on my arms and legs because I didn't know what it was and for some reason one of the photos that cane up was on rashes and hiv rashes was one that showed up on the list of rashes it freaked me out but I didn't think nothing of it since it didn't look like what I have so I moved away because i still didnt find anything matching what I saw on my skin anyway a week or more later i jumped out of my sleep in the middle of the night panicking about what if was so i went to the dermatologist and she said it was just something probably from what i ate, i was relieved but then I got home and my girlfriend asked how is it she can determine that without you being tested against food or what not and my panic came back so i got decided to go read up on hiv on if a person who's a lesbian can be exposed and it stated yes so again in panic decided to go get tested since I had been two years prior and to also ease my troubled mind, it came back negative and i felt relieved but that night I again couldn't shake the what if it had been i could have put my girlfriend and myself at risk without knowing it so to prove thqt test was correct that i was indeed negative not positive i got tested again negative but the fear of my panic attack from the first night and the images i saw just wouldn't leave me i told my girlfriend about my fear and thqy i felt guilty for not knowing about sexual health risks women who have sex with women faced and that i wouldn't have been able toforgive myself if i had put her at risk she decided to get tested also to show we were both alright again i felt relieved but somehow during my feeling of relief pangs of fear of but what if i had been tested positive i couldn't have lived with myself i have read everything on hiv including how soon after possible exposure can it be detected allot of the information i read up on scared me to death because I had had sexual partners six years ago and didn't know of their sexual status or anything about sexual health in general got tested a third time same answer negative, again relieved but for some reason I have been so scared by the mare thought of hiv i have found myself obsessed with ensuring it is negative and that one morning i wouldn't wake and see it positive I spoke with a friend of mine and she thinks that my problem isn't the of thw mare thought of hiv but something else and that article and fear I woke up with the what if I had been diagnosed with it became my focal point perhaps ny mothers death six years ago or the fear that my last girlfriend broke up with me just begore we got married and now that its almost a year with this girlfriend I'm afraid that she would break up with me because I have always been her rock and now I'm like a scared child and she don't know how to help me get over that fear that i could have been sick and die like my mother died.

I have bben seeking someone that can help me figure out what really is wrong with me. My mom was cheated on by my dad and got an sti a long time ago and when she died i was so over come with grief i wanted to die too because she was my rock and support since i have a disability

Can anyone advise me on how i can overcome this problem and go back to my normal self, it has been bithering me so much I'm having trouble eating and constantly wanting to go to the toilet even though I don't poop but sit there trying to remind myself i am fine and that they are many people who are hiv positive and wish that they were negative.

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  • Posted

    Anxiety is very new to me and its extremely scary and confusing. The best advice I can give you is abit of a two fold answer. The bulk of this is MENTAL. Its a battle between your mind, your feelings and you personally. The pictures you saw when you where researching what could be wrong with you hit such a cord with you that it litterally ( parden my wording ) scared the sh*t out of you. A severe hit like that mentally will bring forward allot of blocked mental feelings you've not really thought much about or locked away in your mind and all of that plus the fear you experienced when you saw those pictures will hit you like a freight train.

    The answer isn't easy. You need to seek help from a counselor and you need to seek help from yourself...yes youself. What you did was scare youself so bad that you hurt youself but fear not, all hope is not lost and you can recover from this. learning to not fear the fear is much easier said then done but simply trying to take your mind off of it by doing or just simply saying things to yourself will go a long way. There is NO "quick fix" for anxiety BUT you can and will recover from this if you truly want to get better. You just need to put in the effort....it will be hard but it CAN be done.

    I wish you the best friend...best of luck

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    • Posted

      Thank you John, yes I really did scare the sh*t out myself I aldo have been trying to find a counselor but here in my country it is not easy finding one that isn't bias against persons of the lgbt community so I've been trying to tough it out on my own but find that I keep hitting brick walls and when I am afraid no matter how irrational the fear is i find it hard to regain my center of being and i start to panic and retra t into myself for instance the constant need to ensure that what the test results say from the three different testing is actually correct and find myself lately apologising to my girlfriend for being in a state where i feel like I'm in a never ending episode of the twilight zone

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    • Posted

      I can completely understand the bias you speak of. Keep this in mind..... This chatboard is here to help you. Make as many posts as you need to and I promise you you'll find answers here. These people have helped me allot and I know they can help you.

      The brick wall you keep hitting will happen allot but as time goes on and you keep striving to find your center, those "brick wall" moments will become less and less. I can promise you that.

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    • Posted

      I am working hard on trying to keep my mind occupied with other things, I just don't know how i find at times when I'm feeling happy and like I'm getting pass a brick wall somehow another fall in it's place and the fear returns, i will keep battling on and try harder to locate a counselor because when i try to talk with close friends or family members they tell me i need to get over that fear and be happy and thankful which I am but they didn't see the photos so they don't understand the fear that I put myself in, but one friend does recognise and said there is something mental about it.

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