I have had enough!!!

Hi Katy

Whats wrong?

Has anything happened?

Are you drinking again?

I'm not having a go or having a dig about anything just concerned.

I havn't been on here for a while and when I have its a quick flick through and then out.

Hope you're ok sweetpea

julie x

No! Mrs J, I am not fine!

I just want to leave this world...there is no space for stupidos like me. I am really hurting now!! There seems no where to go! But I am trying...as I dont want my children to bury a suicidal mother! (I want them to have happy memmories), not myself...not at all. I am just soo gutted!!! I want to end it! Feel like it has gone on forever, and it does not matter , what I do, no matter how hard I try, I cant get away! I am scared and alone and feel like no matter how much I open up to anyone, these horrible thoughts cease to escape me, I am soo scared..hoping I die tonight,give everyonelse some peace. I should never have survived chilbirth... iam sure i was supposed to die!!! I should never have lived after my mother gave birth,,,why did they do that...naturally I would be dead...lets face it ...you cant argue with the wind!

Katy

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I do know how you are feeling and I'm almost in tears.

You need to go to your doctor and tell him/her how you feel. the Citalopram should be working by now and I don't feel you are getting the most of it or you need to take something else.

You are taking them arn't you? you are a lovely person, so kind hearted and caring. You are here and you have to accept that. You don't want to do anything silly and leave you children wondering if you did it cos they were naughty or if its cos you didn't want them anymore. I know you love them so much your heart would burst and you love your mum so very much as well.

I was depressed for years and no doctor did anything much to help me, we are very lucking these days. I lost my boys and started a life on my own. I miss them so much. I know how you feel about never should have survived being born at child birth. I should never have been born. My mum and dad were going through a divorce and I was kept cos it was illegal to have an abortion then. I never felt any love.

Please keep a brave face over the weekend and see your doc on monday.

have a good night sweetpea.

hugs and kisses julie xxx

:? Thank you Julie..do not know if I will get throw this weekend, but I have to try . You sound good..chin up..luv Katy x.

Tiny Tears

Sorry to jump in here, being a newbie but I have read all the messages now and feel I know a little about everyone that posts here on a regular basis.

You can leave this earth! Okay, not quite, but ring the emergency doctor or go to your local A&E and tell them you are scared you are going to harm yourself.

I felt just like you are feeling now 16/17 years ago, I kept taking my medication one by one (not to kill myself) but trying to stop myself from the fear of killing myself. I would take a tablet wait 30 minutes or so in the hope it would calm me, if it didn't I would take another! That went on until the early hours of the morning. Maybe I was trying to kill myself? But too scared to admit it to myself.

In the early hours after pacing the floor, crying, pulling at my own hair until it hurt, panicking, I picked up the phone and called a very close friend and between sobs told them what I had done. Thankfully he had the sense to call an ambulance and my doctor. They all arrived pretty much at the same time (I think my friend was probably outside for a while but too scared to come in the house in fear of what he might find).

They rushed me off to hospital and monitored me closely. Luckily I escaped having my stomach pumped!

The day after a psychiatrist came to see me and I told him how I had felt the night before. I remember so well saying, 'I just want off this world'.

He told me he couldn't arrange that but he could arrange the next best thing.

I remained in hospital for another 3 days, more for my own protection rather that due to all the tablets I had taken. On the fourth day they transferred me to the psychiatric ward. Sounds harsh and scary doesn't it?

I was 'only' depressed afterall, what could they do for me there?

Tinytears it was my escape! The first few days they brought my meals to my bedside, I didn't have to dress or wash if I didn't want to. I could just lie in bed all day and night and do nothing, while the nurses brought me my medication, drinks, food etc.

A few days later I felt strong enough to have a wander around the ward, all the patients looked 'normal'. They were friendly, some were crying, so were rocking, but on the whole they looked just like me!

Sounds patronising I know but I had a terrible vision that psychiatric wards were full of 'weird nutters'.

During my 6 week stay there social services kept a close eye on my children (aged 1 & 3 then). They stayed with family but the family got a lot of support.

Everyday we (the patients) went to relaxation classes, had councilling and more importantly, spent the whole day together chatting. I had found real people in real life that I could share my fears, feelings and experiences with and they had all experienced and still experiencing them.

That was my best ever support network ever!

The psychiatrist had been right! He couldn't get me out of this world, but he did the next best thing! I really did feel like I had stepped off earth for a while. Giving my body and mind time to heal.

I beg of you Tinytears to pick up that phone and ask for help. It is there and they will help you. They would much rather deal with your illness than deal with your death.

Be brave and pick up the phone!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Melbi x

:? :cry: Thanks Melbi!. I did take some more pills to get me thro....they have calmed me....though my body feels extremely tense. I am just so fed up with myself!

Last night, I fell out with my partner, Took some more pills....they dont seem to do very much...then, thinking....hey god this is ridiculous!!!! So I had a massive binge (with food). Woke this morning with a massive fat belly, children bouncing all over the place, and my partner in a huffy puff!

I dont know what to do....I am so lost...I cant get a job..I cant get in any unis to study again....I cant even type up my stupid cV. I am not allowed to drive, cause I cant see well! I am struggling to get out my bed, I do not want to be seen> I am failing!!! I cant get past all my spiralling thoughts...I cant get over what my partner does and has done to me...its brought everything that I tried to fight against, back! I have no energy anymore. I feel alone, but feel so bad that I want to be left alone. Its a viscious circle.

When I go outside . I shake, my teeth chatter, my legs wobble, people even look at me, like I am a total freak!!!

Melbi and Julie...I do not know what to do!! I just do not fit in on this planet...never have and never will! I will do my best to struggle on for my kids. Thank you Melbi and Julie for listening to me. (I do just want this to end!).

Tinytears, pick up that phone and make that call!

There IS help out there hun, you just have to ask for it.

You DO fit into this world, you are the most precious person to your children, they want you in their world.

For their sakes, pick up the phone and ask for help.

It will be the hardest thing you have ever done and takes a lot of courage to do so, but you will find that courage because you love your children so much.

Take that huge step and ask for help, REAL help, not 5 minutes chat with the doctor who then prescribes some drug and says see you in so many weeks!

Walk into your nearest A&E and tell them you are scared you are going to harm yourself. Believe me, they WILL listen and you WILL get the help you need.

Be strong for your children.

Melbi x