I have no idea what I'm doing!
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hey people,
So I am rapidly approaching my 40th year on this planet and I still haven't got a clue where my life is going. I suffer depression, which since splitting from my wife has eased somewhat, though the divorce is still ongoing (and being an emotional psychopath, she is stringing things out in a big way and causing way more problems than there really should be). Updates on that tends to send me on a rapid downward spiral for a fair few days and I'm pretty sure it's being intentionally awkward for the fun of it.
I feel that I have turned to alcohol far more than I should have, I make some really bad choices when intoxicated and although I always say to myself "never again" the days after, I always seem to go back to it (which is worrying me!).
I'm really tired of being alone (the last 2 years have been the first time in my life of living on my own), though I now have some trust issues, my wife was a big trigger and the subsequent women I've met have been very strange in their conduct (disposable attitude towards relationships). I am aware that some people will aim at me being the issue, as I'm the common component. That said I they have demonstrated some really crappy behaviour towards another human.
It's seriously making me contemplate swearing off relationships altogether (before 2 years ago I've been in steady long term relationships so it's not like I'm consistently doing douche behaviour)
Am I just expecting to much from other people?
Anyhow, I changed job recently which has helped. Though I still just feel like I'm drifting through life, it feels strange that I'm this complacent, as I know we only get one go at this stuff!
Any advice would be appreciated
0 likes, 4 replies
sam18386 Matt_M
Posted
Hi Matt, at ,45 with a disability and a health condition i am struggling to cope. A few days ago, well more specifically i looked at a razor blade and thought it would be a useful object to use to stop my life, nobody told me what pain it caused so sobbing my heart out and not able to do anything i rang the Samaritans, the combination of speaking to them, my husband and my sister bought me to my senses. I know how you feel sometimes you feel like life is not worth it. I have just lost a part time job which was helping us through no fault of my own. I feel quite upset at the moment - i may lose my home in 10 days. Try to enjoy something in your life everyday. I don't think from what I've read that you are ready to go. I wish you luck it's tough but doable.
Matt_M sam18386
Posted
Hi Sam, Sorry to hear you are having those issues you have mentioned. Hope you get the help you need.
Luckily I'm not contemplating ending anything (it had crossed my mind a couple of times after the split but then I would be round my family and things seemed a lot better). That said I just feel very frustrated in my current situation which seems like a limbo that won't end till the divorce is over (which is really dragging on now), it has also been quite lonely too.
I like your idea of trying to enjoy something every day, that seems like a good goal!
sam18386 Matt_M
Posted
Hi Matt, it has taken a while to realise that i may be needed on this planet, but i am still really uncertain at this minute. I have had these wobbles for about a week. Being ill plus masses of stress brings me to my knees some days. I just feel sad and frightened at the moment and can't quite figure out why, but being misunderstood may explain why. We've had lots of grief to deal with as a family recently but according to my counsellor i shouldn't feel like this and I don't understand why. If he carries on i will swap who i see. Glad to hear you're not contemplating doing anything you'll regret, I wish you luck, a walk a day is s natural antidepressant.
wayne1962 Matt_M
Posted
Hi Matt - you are going through a transition. Dealing with what your soon-to-be-ex wife is doing to ensure you are tormented upsets your equilibrium, makes you question yourself, blame yourself, rehash in your minds what has occurred, how you might have done things differently - in short, punishing yourself for things you cannot change. Self medicating with alcohol is escapism and can diminish the filter factor, anger bubbles to the surface - it needs an outlet - and it can be projected out onto others. Loneliness is an expected factor - you have to readjust to your life as a single person and this is difficult no matter how much relief the end of the relationship inspires, but you are in charge of it and how you will drive that path.
I've been studying narcissistic behaviour lately (a new female neighbour has targeted me) and the advice I have found is allow them to be who they are as we move on from them. In the divorce stakes it might be easier to agree with whatever she wants just to see the back of her. The leash she has you on as she tugs and twists it around your neck is preventing you from moving on. The emotional reaction from you of outrage and despair is serving her, not you. The sooner she is on the horizon and disappearing over it, the sooner you will be able take a breath, take stock of your life, and start again, wiser, stronger and self-determining. Are there any children involved?