I just don't know what to do

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hello everyone. As always, I don't know where to start with this, but i'll try to paint the core issue. I am a 17 year old girl who moved to live in Germany 2 years ago...My main task since then has been to be studying the language, but it is something I really can't seem to do. I am sorry this will be messy and illogical, but it feels hard for me to think, i oftentimes go blank, I believe I suffer from brain fog and have been for quite a while. It feels confusing whenever I have to do something a bit harder than what I normally do, which is literally close to nothing. I just wake up and turn on YouTube and watch some videos I hardly pay attention to. It's like I feel trapped and stuck and like I've been trying to get out for such a long time, but I always end up here. I have a HUGE problem with consistency, ever since i was little. It's like for everything in my life, from taking pills to consistently study or exercise, normally I'd do only a couple of days and then give up. I am also very very emotionally immature, I feel this way. Because partly I self harm with an elastic band, nothing seriously  whenever bigger emotions come to me, and then i go back and avoid whatever has been causing the thing so i run and nothing ever happens...My social life is also a mess, it is close to non-existent..Talking on German is very draining and i somehow don't find it rewarding and yes, i know my stupid future depends on this, but then we come to the core issue of motivating myself and consistency and stuff I would love to have conquered, but don't know how to. It's like I can't handle frustration, I give up so easily whenever something hard happens. I don't even really concentrate on films or books or whatever..This makes me feel awful and I have very low self-confidence. My brain feels like salad. It's like..I tried sleeping more and now I do, I sleep for about 7 hours and a half, and i drink Omega 3s, my mom reminds me tho, she's the one that has always been there,pushing me to go on and study or do stuff like house chores. I've also been to different psychiatrists and therapies, for about half a year or so, i actually dont remember, but yeah, it hasn't helped. I have a diagnosis of depression and Attention Deficit Disorder, but I dont take those 100 per cent for true, because it can be a misdiagnosis, plus, its things I might not have observed correctly, etc. It feels trapping...I forgot to add I've been having suicidal thoughts for more than 2 years now, but I kind of don't care if I actually do it...It's like this life is too hard and weird for me to live somehow...But yeah, the thing that has been stopping me is hell and yeah, my family are Christians, tho now I am kind of researching on it and stuff, but yeah....I feel like there are walls of fear all over me, anywhere I step, its like my comfort zone is so very small, but its like I cannot find the inner strenght or arguments strong enough to make me push through. I will go to my own contry this summer and meet some old friends. This is what made me write this I think, because I am just so afraid of actually having to speak to them for long times or maybe even at all. My brain is just so out of shape that I sometimes forget what I am doing or talking about and I've been interested in pretty much NOTHING for more than 2 yeard now and have done close to nothing as you gathered, and it feels like i have nothing to say and they will start hating me..Even now it's like I want to investigate and learn something, but fear and doubth stop me for other reasons. Then I want to read an article about fear but my FEAR and impatience stops me from doing it and then I circle around like a chicken without head. I want to die because I dont see how this can improve much...I know I have to do something, but I dont even believe I can at this point...I mean, i know its possible, but i cant seem to find the right technique....Do you have some advice? I cant honestly say I'd do the thing as you can see my nature right now and i think always, but if you think its maybe worth it, then do share...I believe people can change and that I can change and I also believe in taking small steps...I have tried exersises to improve my concentration, but I dropped it soon after...Then i tried again..and again...I know what I have to do in life, but I dont know how to...I feel I just need the right thing and I've been searching for it...But I don't know...

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Hikiaru

    As you said, people can change. perfectly correct and it is my "direct experience" within me. But changes in brain occur very slowly. somtimes so slow that these appear to be imperceptible (so slight, gradual, or subtle as not to be perceived.) But if you persevere, definitely yes, beneficial changes happen. I have myself struggles, even talking to people and socialising. But well, few months it may take to get reasonable progress. Best is, not to measure how much progress has been made. just go on doing it, WITHOUT STRAINING too hard. and never mind if you are not able to do concentraion exercise perfectly. just persevere while taking it easy. in fact, take everything easy, whatever comes in life. think that you are normal, which you ACTUALLY are at deeper level of mind and existence. so let us go below the surface waves of thoughts of mind into deeper calm regions.

    so whatever exercises you have in concentration may be continued.

    My method is yoga meditation of watching the breath.   just google. so many sources. ""expanding light (dot) org  " is one such .

    lots of love

    PS: 1. persevere in practice. 2. take it easy and be relaxed. 

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    • Posted

      Yes, thank you for the message, I already touched on a few points of these in another one I send you, but oh well.. (using that thing said in the video hah)

      I will try to take it easier and not expect too much, but thats still just something I may not be used to and will take time...wish you a great day and all the best..

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  • Posted

    I'm going German gcse right now and it's so hard, I hate it. One of the reasons it's so hard for me is that my teachers expect me to know grammar words like auxiliary verb or perfect tense and what they mean. I'm sorry I can't help much with the mental health side of things, but what's helped for me is making a glossary of what all these words mean and an excerise book for all the grammar rules. It's so boring and I'd rather be on YouTube too but I try and make myself do around 15 minutes a day. It's not for everyone of course, just a suggestion

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    • Posted

      Sure, thanks for your suggestion, I've tried all kinds of things, believe me, but nothing seems to really motivate me for longer than maybe 2 days or a bit longer, EVEN IF MY FUTURE LIFE DEPENDS ON IT..and I know, I know one day I'll be very sorry for this and am still trying to find a way for things to work somehow...my mother makes me do sth every once in a while, but if she doesn't check on me I start daydreaming very easily or whatever...I'm not saying this is harder for me to do than for you, but its probably me perceiving it that way or not having worked my self discipline...

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  • Posted

    U seems to be very smart cuz u fight for better life, even u have a messy life u think u can overcome this and this is so brawe, i like to say to u be strong as iam saying myself cuz i too am in one messy situation u can see my story too. Be strong u and i will overcome this
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    • Posted

      I more just cling onto hope that things can get better through changing the structure of my brain over a rather slow process...I just wish I would find what works for me consistently and not just for a day..hah, but sure,do keep on fighting, it's a good thing, I believe..

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    • Posted

      yes, right. brain structure changes very slowly. have patience. must fight. but give due consideration sleep and relaxation and some exercise like walking/jogging, whatever u like. never lose hope. 
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  • Posted

    I wish I had a solution for you, but at least want to share a few things:

    - Think back to the worst cold or flu you had, high fever, all the symptoms.  Did you accomplish a lot on those days?  Was it because you were defective?  Or was it because you were just sick which prevented you from being yourself?  Any flaw you see now is not who you are.  Any flaw you see does not determine your value, what your capable of, or whether life is worth living.  The "flaws" you see are really just a side effect of being sick.  Whether the root cause is mental, physical, or a little of both, it's not fair of you to judge yourself until it's sorted.  Would you judge someone who had the flu?  Yes everything is not all rainbows for you now, but at least be fair as you would be to a stranger.

    - Even if you were at your best, learning German fluently at 17 is flipping hard.  Are you kidding me, give yourself a break.  I had to work for three years in a French speaking city and left only being able to generally follow what was being said, forget fluently conversing.  I'm sure your pace is not much worse than mine was, and I was at my best at the time.

    - It's fine that you're skeptical of your diagnosis, because reality is people are misdiagnosed all the time.  You don't have to believe it, but you also don't get off the hook.  Get a second opinion.  Already did?  Fine, get a third.  It's not wasting time to do this because it's important, and you'll learn more each time.  A ways ahead before your next doc visit, write down your symptoms (like you did here).  After a couple days, see if they still seem right and fine tune them if need be. Do it again in another couple of days. This will help you organize your thoughts for your doc visit.

    I don't know if you're really immature or not, but this is a fact: It took some maturity to get on here, compose yourself, and say things that don't feel good to say.

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    • Posted

      Hah, thanks for your comment. Well, I am pretty immature and I did write this because it's actually giving one a relief, plus it's anonymous and you've still no idea who I am exactly...I know I have to write my sympthoms down, the problem is that when it happens, then I usually feel so bad that I don't want to write them down..or I still do if it's better then it still feels like I cannot connect the dots or whatever...but yeah, now I am in fact going to a third psychiatrist as a therapy thing for my suicidal thoughts and how to deal better with them and life in general...thanks for your time and everything..have a great day... (sorry for being short)

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