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Hi, I have been struggling with myself for years now. My memory is terrible and it effects in almost every aspect of my life. I isolate myself away from people because I feel like I have nothing to offer to them. And its true, because I've never been able to figure out how to just live or have a long conversation. My mind just goes blank when I try to approach people and dread being around anyone including my family.
My brother is who on leave right now, is back for about two weeks. And because of my issues I feel bad for him. He wants to spend time with me, but I feel like a boring burden. Im so quiet and self conscious that i feel like im holding people around me back from talking. Because when im around my brothers are more quiet, and pretty much every other group unless I leave or they just im around.
When it actually comes to doing a hobby or learning something new. Three things happen (1. I quickly lose interest because I try so hard at first, I overwhelm myself with info,(2. My inner voice tells me that whatever im looking into isn't me and everyone else is better anyway,(3 when I am decent at something my inner voice tells me anybody can do it, so it doesn't matter.
Im at a point now to where I just stay in my room smoking cigarettes because im extremely bored but feel a comfy emptiness in there. Because I can easily avoid people. There is another habit but not going into detail. Im going to see a psychiatrist but fear getting put on meds, and that he\she wont care to look into my memory issue.
Sometimes I wander if my mind just tells me that im worthless and do things for just so people can bad for me or if im mentally messed up. Because this is the only topic I can fully talk about but feel shame from it.
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