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It is my birthday in 6 days (10th of August). I will be 18 and I am going to London for a few days to see my mum, nana and cousins, so we planned with my other side of the family that we would have a camping weekend at my Aunties house in the countryside a few days before. However they have not been able to cut the grass as the weather has been rubbish so we decided to have my party at my house. By the way I have just got back off holiday so I have jet lag and woke up at 1 pm. So I am stressed because we need to tidy the house, mow the lawn etc. And I don't have much time, And I have nothing to wear because I got back two days ago and was expecting we would be camping so I only needed casual clothes, now I feel like if I'm celebrating my 18th at my house I need to make an effort. But I can't order clothes in one day and I don't have the motivation to go shopping or tidy up for tomorrow. I know this is a random post but basically I'm just feeling down and I don't feel any excitement anymore about many things. I don't feel excited about my birthday, not about buying makeup for it which I usually feel happy about, I'm not even feeling the holiday blues, I'm just sad again. Whilst we were on holiday my dad asked if I would like to celebrate my birthday by having a meal which I didn't really like the idea of, I'd just prefer us all to have a meal together, so he said he'll ask me about it again the next day, which he didn't. Then I felt rubbish and didn't want to go to the meal, which my dad made me feel bad about because everyone was waiting for me and they had planned it all for me. I need to know if that's a mean thing to say, because I did tell him I didn't want to have a meal for my birthday. So we ended up going and I wasn't really enjoying myself. I went to the bathroom for a while because I couldn't sit there with my dads girlfriend flirting in front of me, which my dad knows I hate. Then when I came back, my Oreo shake was on the table lol but it had a candle in it so my dad wouldn't let me eat it so o got annoyed and said I told you I didn't want a celebration etc. So he gets all angry and says fine just eat it then, so I did. So it wasn't really a great night. I was thankful for the meal and stuff but I don't feel bad for not wanting to celebrate my birthday there.
Now back to us being at home, how I'm stressed about my family get together. I explain To my dad how I feel about having a party at our house and I'd feel better about us going camping even though we can't. I appreciate my family are spending money on me, but I didn't have time to think about why I didn't want the party after finding out 2 days before we aren't going camping. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful at the fact that people want to do things for me but like I said, I just don't feel any form of excitement about my birthday or anything. Im just getting to the point where I want to go to university in September to get away from here because I felt nothing but sadness and most days of the summer holiday I've come up to my room and sat on my phone for hours feeling down. I'm saying the word down becaus I don't know if I'm actually depressed but I needed to write something somewhere. Sometimes I feel happy but most times I'm just upset. So anyway, my dad always has ways of making me feel bad and like things are all my fault. I'm writing this because I want to know if what he does is wrong and mean, or not. So after explaining. That I dont know what to do about my party, he goes on about everyone spending money for me, and how he always does thing s for me which I don't want to do. Then he gave me the example of the meal on holiday, which I told him I didn't want to do and he knows it! Things like that really annoy me and I found that hurtful because I didn't ask him to spend Money for my birthday, we could have all just gone out for a meal together as an end of holiday meal, yet he blames me for not wanting to have a meal. I hope that makes sense. Now when I've told him this and how it's wrong for him to blame everything on me he walks away and says he's cancelling the party and I had the urge to say that he can't accept the truth. Becaus I don't think he can, he never apologises for things he has done wrong and always finds a way to blame things on someone else and I hate it. The thing is though, I know he won't cancel it, he never does. He says it then doesn't do it. Now I feel in s few days time I will regret not wanting to have a party and all my family round, but I can't help the way I feel, and that is sadness and anger and hopelessness. I just don't think my dad understands this is how I feel, even though I tell him it's so hard for me to bring myself out of these moods and I can't just change my emotions to happiness, yet he tells me to walk my dog and get outside whilst I'm here crying in bed. I just don't have the motivation for things anymore. I know your 18th birthday is meant to be a big birthday but honestly I don't care. I'm not a big party person at all, and basically all my other birthdays I've had my family around like we are planning to now. But this year I haven't really been able to get myself out of this rubbish mood. Even on holiday I laid in the hotel bed all day one day, which I don't normally do because I love being on holiday, I live being in the sun and I think when I get home to the rain and cold that also brings my mood down. Also, I don't feel as excited having a party that is not on my birth day. But we planned to go to London because my mum will complain that she never gets to see us (my brother and I) on special occasions, which she always does. But I haven't lived with her for 12 + years, just my dad and brother so I'm used to staying in my comfort zone at home with them. However I'm hoping I'll enjoy my self in London, even though she doesn't have any money to do anything...
I know this is a long post, and I just needed somewhere to write something . It is rushed sorry and I hope it makes senSe, I know it sounds like a story in some parts haha. Any advice would be appreciated about anything and what to do about things. I love my dad a lot, but there is times he can be a horrible person, but I'm very lucky because I know he is going to get me good presents for my birthday, and that is why I don't want to seem ungrateful, but also I don't want to have a party after he has said mean things to me because I will just sit there, not talking to him and feeling rubbish whilst coming across as happy and greatful that my family have come to see me, and I won't look happy because I'll be angry at my dad, and I hat acting like there is nothing wrong when there will be. It's just hard. I think mine and my dads realtipnahop is just getting worse, we fight a lot more now and we used to be really close. And now I backtalk more and try and prove points but he just shouts at me about it. Now it's 2 in the afternoon. In 24 hours my family will be coming round, if it hasn't been cancelled and I don't know what to do. I wish I could just be on holiday again in the pool or something.
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