I just need some clarity.

Posted , 8 users are following.

I've had depression on and off, mostly on, for 5 years now. It was largely down to my anxiety which I've gotten under control.

The sad side of depression I can largely deal with, but I'm finding it hard to cope with the emptiness. The perfect girlfriend I so adored suddenly can't bring a smile to my face. I feel like an awful human being, I feel so guilty for being so ungrateful. She's everything I've ever wanted but I can't muster up any emotion, she deserves better than that, she deserves to be adored and put on a pedestal.

I know feelings of emptiness are common in depression, but I just can't cope. I had to end the relationship recently as I can't bear the guilt and the shame, knowing she deserves better than me broke my heart, to see her blame herself for my emptiness was killing me. It was as if I'd fallen out of love because of the emptiness, but I hadn't. The love is still there, I just can't actually feel it. I hate myself for letting my depression dictate my life but I just can't be with someone until I'm better, it's not fair on her.

When we've spoke in the past she's seemed adamant that counselling could help whereas I can't see it. When I was anxious I could understand why it'd be beneficial, there were emotions there to change. Now I'm empty I don't see the point. How can they just infuse me with emotion?

I want to ask the other forumers about similar situations they've had and how it worked out. I don't want to believe that it's just over and I'll never get my normal self back again, but I find it hard to see how counselling can fix emptiness. Has it helped you? Any advice is appreciated, I feel so lost. I feel like I've got no one left who actually understands not just what depression is but what it's like to have depression, hence why I've turned to a public forum.

Thanks

Ash

1 like, 6 replies

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Ash, Im bipolar and have suffered depressive symptoms and episodes for 25 years. I strongly advise you to go and see your GP as soon as possible. The emptiness you describe is a textbook symptom of depression, not anxiety. Counselling alone would be highly unlikely to help. Depression is an illness just like diabetes or epilepsy - you CAN get rid of that horrible empty, numb feeling with anti-depressants, and they are totally NOT as scary as some people will tell you (who have no idea what theyre talking about, usually!) You sound very worn down, worried and quite isolated and you need to take care of yourself, do you have family who you could confide in? If you dont have a sympathetic GP - Change your GP! It makes me so sad to think of you suffering unnecessarily - please do go to your doctor or contact your local Community Mental Health Team if youre feeling especially desperate or in crisis. Nobody will judge or criticise you. Please do take good care of yourself - you are very much not alone. All best wishes for a full recovery x
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  • Posted

    Hi Ash

    I know that feeling. What Christine says is very true. Go and see your GP and in tandem with the medication try and find a counsellor you can feel comfortable with.

    I've been suffering with depression for over 5 years and have been on medication for that length of time also. I thought the outpouring of all my troubles to a  complete professional stranger wouldn't work but its amazing when, over time, the burden of all those years of troubles are released.

    Also try writing a diary daily. Just getting thoughts out of your head and on to paper can be theraputic.

    Best wishes and good luck.

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  • Posted

    Ash, stop kicking yourself and start to take care of you. Get up and out, you are human and deserve to Care for Yourself!  You matter to you! We must practice loving ourself or we cannot love others. Don't make your needs wait, stand up and go get what you need it's out there!
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  • Posted

    Ash! I'm sure your girlfriend understands your condition. You should stop trying to please her, and focuse all your energy on yourself. Obviously there is an issue that needs addressing, that is keeping all the emotion in. Give councelling a go, there is nothing to lose. 

    Keep us updated, I hope you find your way. 

    Sam.

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  • Posted

    depression can bring feelings of helplessness or emptyness.  Relationships can suffer so keep trying if you want to keep her. I know it's hard but she could help you get out of a rut and feel better. so tell her about your feelings and have a heart to heart chat. If she knows you well she should understand.

    Richard

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  • Posted

    Hi Ash.  I know it is a little while since you posted this and wondered now how you are feeling and how things are in general?  The situation you describe mirrors the feelings of my (ex) partner.  We had a great relationship over the last three and a half years then he suddenly ended it overnight with the feelings you describe .....that I deserve more, he feels numb, wants to close everyone away to deal with what is going on in his head and that that I have done nothing wrong.  This happened a month ago, we have spoken 3 or 4 times by phone but refuses to meet me for whatever reason I don't know.  I feel like he's punishing himself, maybe you can shed some more light on this for me as he says it doesn't feel like that and he feels a sense of calmless in his own company   I sympathize with the feelings both you and him describe but I hate being pushed away.  I am happy to give him space but he says it is unfair to make me wait until he sorts his head out.  Your situation resonates so closely with mine, except I am on the receiving end.  He says he is not able to make any decisions and answers 'I don't know' to anything I ask him about our relationship, he doesn't know where we are headed, whether together or apart.  He says he loves me but that everything in his life is a mess. I find this so hard that he has traded me in for what seems like nothing.  I just hope this is not just his cowardly way of ending our relationship.  Everyone says I need to  move on to work on myself...........wish it was that easy! Seeing your post has given me some hope and let me see what you are genuuinely feeling from the perspective of 'the girlfriend'.  

    Hope you read this and hopefully I may hear from you.

    Thanks

    E

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