I just need someone to talk to

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hello

I haven't been on here in awhile, partly because I wasn't feeling as depressed as I had been in December & January. I was actually the happiest I could be in the middle of March.

Then things got difficult again and I found myself slipping, first work got difficult, the person I thought was my friend I found out was bad mouthing me around my team. My supervisor told me that switching working partners isn't likely going to happen and I should consider tranferring. The partner I want away from is the one that caused me to be depressed in the first place and miss 3 months of work. 

Then my fiance and I got pregnant for the second time this year, then we got engaged then at 9 weeks we went for our first ultersound only to be told there wasn't a heartbeat. My heart broke, even though I felt deep down the last couple days that thought of a miscarriage again crept to the front of my mind but I kept pushing it away.

After last Tuesday I have completely gone down hill, I am so incredibly sad all the time, I still have to go for a D&C so I guess I don't fully have closure.

When I talk to my mom about it she just says focus on the wedding, you shouldn't have tried so close together, your body wasn't ready and so on making me feel like it is my fault when neither pregnancy was planned.

My fiance has been my rock, he has held my hand, held me when I cried, he works nights so he calls me on this first break to check in and even though I wish he could stay home i know he can't. We have been together 6 years this summer.

I try my best to get out of the house but I just can't sometimes,I go to the gym then come home and I am in for the night despite the beautiful weather I just can't motivate myself to go outside. I feel like I have a big sign on my head that screams "depressed" or "miscarriage"

So before we miscarried we decided to get married in August and I was excited but since last week I have had nothing but tears and fears. I just want to be my man wife, I don't want to go through this whole wedding ordeal right now, people will assume I am pregnant and that why we got married so fast. And for some reason I care so much what people think?!

Then the darker thoughts come in, the thoughts I had the first time I was diagnosed with depression

"do I want to get married"

"he is the one"

"will he leave me"

"is this the right choice"

and most of the time the answers are yes, sometimes it creeps in that I lying to myself, that I don't love my fiance, I don't love anything anymore and that he is going to leave me because I am so unhappy despite him telling me again and again he loves me and he wants to marry me. I am afraid one day he is going to get fed up and leave because I am no longer the happy, person I ones was. 

I couldnt even imagine my life without him and I couldnt ever break his heart like that. I just need to know if anyone else has been this way, or anxious about the future (I struggle with both anxious & depression, I am not on any meds and I don't want to be but I am returning to consuling soon. 

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Oh Nicole,

    I am so sorry for your loss. You certainly have had an abundance of upset in your life lately. To hell with your evil coworker. You need to take care of yourself right now. Maybe some counselling will be of help. 

    Dont jump,to make any decisions right now. You need to get yourself on even ground before you make any permanent life changing decisions.

    please try and be gentle with yourself and chat on here any time you need some support.

    Take care

    Laurie

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  • Posted

    Hi Nicola

    Alot of what you have said is very much like me. I have had depression on and off since I was 21, I'm now 41. Things in life just come up time after time and I always question myself. That's perfectly normal, for most people. Very long story short. I had a miscarriage about 11 years ago, it was awful as we were trying for a baby. Not that any other kind isn't awful, of course. I then went through a divorce. Moved to be closer to my ex partner 2 years later and he then told me he didn't want a relationship..... I'd moved my job and my kids, I was at rock bottom. I was given medication which slowly helped me feel better. I met my fiance 2 and a half years ago and we were so happy then my back problems became more of a problem than they used to be. I ended up having time off work and had steroid injections in my spine. The 3rd on in Sept of last year worked like a dream and we made loads of plans....things were looking up. Then in November we were in a car accident. We were hit from behind whilst at red lights by a woman who was travelling at 30- 40 mph so we come to today.... I'm still off work - waiting for back surgery and in huge amounts of pain every day. I'm on loads of medication including oxycontin which gives me severe headaches. On mothers day I found out I had miscarried, in a way a bit of a blessing as I don't think my body could have coped, but heartbreaking as my fiancé has no kids and does long for a little girl, I have 3 boys.

    Some days I have complete hatred for the girl who crashed into us, she probably doesn't even know what's going on with us now. She's probably carrying on with her day to day life.

    Your fiancé does love you. He wont leave you. The baby just wasnt meant to be. It's hard, but you will come through the other side. Just because you aren't as happy as you used to be doesn't mean you won't be again. I have exactly the same thoughts as you, we used to go out for long walks, I can't do that now. I can't go to work due to the medication and my constant crying.

    Please consider medication. I have venlaflaxine for my anxuety and depression, and although at the moment with my back issues I'm not happy, I was and I do have days where I am happy. Just talking to someone does help. You're welcome to message me anytime. Please don't feel to alone - there are millions of people like us, it just isn't talked about. I know I've told you my "story" but you need to know you're not alone. Counselling or CBT may do you the world of good, take anything that is offered to you. Some things work for some people but not others, so it's worth giving everything a go. Keep going to the gym. That's getting you out and helps with mood too.

    Take care, smile and know that he loves you xxx

    Sandie xx

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  • Posted

    Hey give yourself time and permission to grieve as you have been through a rough old time of it lately.   Even someone without depression would be stuggling mightily with this so cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to grieve.   

    Your bf sounds wonderful so I would grab him with both hands.  Maybe you would be better off putting the wedding off for a little while but don't let him get away.   He is suffering too don't forget as it was his child as well.   Hopefully this will draw you closer together.  Don't let this drive a wedge between you.  Acknowledge his suffering as well.

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  • Posted

    Hi Nicole - what a sad story, sorry you have had to go through this. Struggling with all that has happened AND dealing with anxiety and depression is a huge load to bear. Fortunately you have a wonderful man beside you to help you through. You state that you are going for a consultation soon and you should attend to that. Meds may be neccessary to help even out your mood. You have not said whether you have had any counselling after the loss of your child, which need to be dealt with. Can you tell your mother that she is not being helpful with her comments? Just a quick "please don't say that," will do, and if she needs clarification, she'll ask for it.

    As for the wedding, it's a special day and if you are not ready for it, then delay it. Better late than never - it's just a respite while you gather yourself. The wedding will happen, just not now. With regard what others will think - forget it! Too many people contort themselves to do what others 'think' is 'right.' You are living your life, not them. The only one you need to accomodate is your other half.

    Regards the bully in your workplace - I'm surprised that since he/she caused your absence from work and exacerbated your depression, this has not been dealt with. You should not have been partnered up again on your return. Two choices for you: stand up to him or her, or get away from them permanently. Either way, look after yourself, put yourself and your health first, chase treatment for your depression. There is no reason to hide and suffer in this day and age. Best of luck to you and your future.

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