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I haven't been on here in awhile, partly because I wasn't feeling as depressed as I had been in December & January. I was actually the happiest I could be in the middle of March.
Then things got difficult again and I found myself slipping, first work got difficult, the person I thought was my friend I found out was bad mouthing me around my team. My supervisor told me that switching working partners isn't likely going to happen and I should consider tranferring. The partner I want away from is the one that caused me to be depressed in the first place and miss 3 months of work.
Then my fiance and I got pregnant for the second time this year, then we got engaged then at 9 weeks we went for our first ultersound only to be told there wasn't a heartbeat. My heart broke, even though I felt deep down the last couple days that thought of a miscarriage again crept to the front of my mind but I kept pushing it away.
After last Tuesday I have completely gone down hill, I am so incredibly sad all the time, I still have to go for a D&C so I guess I don't fully have closure.
When I talk to my mom about it she just says focus on the wedding, you shouldn't have tried so close together, your body wasn't ready and so on making me feel like it is my fault when neither pregnancy was planned.
My fiance has been my rock, he has held my hand, held me when I cried, he works nights so he calls me on this first break to check in and even though I wish he could stay home i know he can't. We have been together 6 years this summer.
I try my best to get out of the house but I just can't sometimes,I go to the gym then come home and I am in for the night despite the beautiful weather I just can't motivate myself to go outside. I feel like I have a big sign on my head that screams "depressed" or "miscarriage"
So before we miscarried we decided to get married in August and I was excited but since last week I have had nothing but tears and fears. I just want to be my man wife, I don't want to go through this whole wedding ordeal right now, people will assume I am pregnant and that why we got married so fast. And for some reason I care so much what people think?!
Then the darker thoughts come in, the thoughts I had the first time I was diagnosed with depression,
"do I want to get married"
"he is the one"
"will he leave me"
"is this the right choice"
and most of the time the answers are yes, sometimes it creeps in that I lying to myself, that I don't love my fiance, I don't love anything anymore and that he is going to leave me because I am so unhappy despite him telling me again and again he loves me and he wants to marry me. I am afraid one day he is going to get fed up and leave because I am no longer the happy, person I ones was.
I couldnt even imagine my life without him and I couldnt ever break his heart like that. I just need to know if anyone else has been this way, or anxious about the future (I struggle with both anxious & depression, I am not on any meds and I don't want to be but I am returning to consuling soon.
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