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I am going to try to explain anxiety in my way. What I have experienced and felt from it. I will not say that I have it bad I will just say what I know.
It is a feeling of loss and loneliness in a way that is unexplainable with mere words, it is like being shot in the middle of a busy and crowded street and no one notices, or cares to help. Of being alone in a world full of people. There are plenty of people out there who would like to help but don't know. It is a hidden danger. Something that atleast I try to hide away with a soft smile or a nice comment, when inside my heart is beating a mile a minute and I feel I may vomit.
It is a voice in the back of my head that points out all the times I have messed up, and makes me worry about them and think on how people must have thought of me at the time. It is something that you hate about yourself, that voice that overwhelms your mind with bad thoughts, to the point where you need distractions in life or else they keep on coming back.
It makes me think over and over again and worry about simple tasks. When my friend asks me to go in the store to pick something up I don't tell him but it is probably the worst thing he could ask me to do. On my way to the counter my mind races to think of exactly what to say to the cashier. And when I do get to the cashier and say it all correctly and it seems to go smoothly I feel so proud of my self for doing the simplest thing. Then later that day I get annoyed with myself for not being able to do it more easily.
In school when I am doing a work sheet or a test I intentialy slow myself down so I do not finish first because the thought of walking up to the front of the class to pass it in first terrifies me. I can't ask for help on worksheets because I get very worried about how people will think about me if it is a very simple question.
At lunch when I do have food I get stressed about when I should go to the trash can so I normally wait until someone else goes and when they come back I wait a minute then leave myself. But now I don't even really eat a whole lot at lunch, it stresses me out and makes my stomach turn and makes me feel sick. So I just don't eat and just sit with my friends. It came to a point where one of my friends would give me some of his food and another would ask me to get lunch. I just tell them that I am not that hungry but they normally forced me to have some yogurt or something.
It causes me to not be able to talk to people myself, I can't initialize the conversation because what if I am just annoying them, what if I say something wrong. This becomes a problem when I am a 17 year old boy who is 5'9", not nessasaraly the type of person you would think would act or feel this way.
I tend to wear the same style of clothing everyday, because it takes that bit of stress away on chossing what to wear the next day.
When I am out with my friends eating I always just go with whatever they have. Because well coming up with my own order is just too stressful, it is easier to just say I will have the same, and then I stress on what if the person forgot what the same was.
That is what stress does to me. There are many other things that happen. And I don't tell anyone because I fear they may see me differently, act differently around me. I also fear that they will think that I just crave attention, but I don't I, just sometime feel the urge to try to rationalize this all with someone, to try to explain it. Keeping it all in my mind is, is not good. My mind is not the best place for me to be, it points out all the flaws and constantly askes why, why why! Do you act this way, do this all do yourself, why can't you just act normal and not worry about all this stupid stuff. When I ask for someone input on something I have done I want them to point out the good stuff, not because I think what I have done is good, but because I only see the flaws in it.
Well that is about all, I just need to explain myself and everything to someone, to try to rationalize it. Thanks for reading this.
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