I just need to explain this all to someone, to rationalize it.
Posted , 5 users are following.
I am going to try to explain anxiety in my way. What I have experienced and felt from it. I will not say that I have it bad I will just say what I know.
It is a feeling of loss and loneliness in a way that is unexplainable with mere words, it is like being shot in the middle of a busy and crowded street and no one notices, or cares to help. Of being alone in a world full of people. There are plenty of people out there who would like to help but don't know. It is a hidden danger. Something that atleast I try to hide away with a soft smile or a nice comment, when inside my heart is beating a mile a minute and I feel I may vomit.
It is a voice in the back of my head that points out all the times I have messed up, and makes me worry about them and think on how people must have thought of me at the time. It is something that you hate about yourself, that voice that overwhelms your mind with bad thoughts, to the point where you need distractions in life or else they keep on coming back.
It makes me think over and over again and worry about simple tasks. When my friend asks me to go in the store to pick something up I don't tell him but it is probably the worst thing he could ask me to do. On my way to the counter my mind races to think of exactly what to say to the cashier. And when I do get to the cashier and say it all correctly and it seems to go smoothly I feel so proud of my self for doing the simplest thing. Then later that day I get annoyed with myself for not being able to do it more easily.
In school when I am doing a work sheet or a test I intentialy slow myself down so I do not finish first because the thought of walking up to the front of the class to pass it in first terrifies me. I can't ask for help on worksheets because I get very worried about how people will think about me if it is a very simple question.
At lunch when I do have food I get stressed about when I should go to the trash can so I normally wait until someone else goes and when they come back I wait a minute then leave myself. But now I don't even really eat a whole lot at lunch, it stresses me out and makes my stomach turn and makes me feel sick. So I just don't eat and just sit with my friends. It came to a point where one of my friends would give me some of his food and another would ask me to get lunch. I just tell them that I am not that hungry but they normally forced me to have some yogurt or something.
It causes me to not be able to talk to people myself, I can't initialize the conversation because what if I am just annoying them, what if I say something wrong. This becomes a problem when I am a 17 year old boy who is 5'9", not nessasaraly the type of person you would think would act or feel this way.
I tend to wear the same style of clothing everyday, because it takes that bit of stress away on chossing what to wear the next day.
When I am out with my friends eating I always just go with whatever they have. Because well coming up with my own order is just too stressful, it is easier to just say I will have the same, and then I stress on what if the person forgot what the same was.
That is what stress does to me. There are many other things that happen. And I don't tell anyone because I fear they may see me differently, act differently around me. I also fear that they will think that I just crave attention, but I don't I, just sometime feel the urge to try to rationalize this all with someone, to try to explain it. Keeping it all in my mind is, is not good. My mind is not the best place for me to be, it points out all the flaws and constantly askes why, why why! Do you act this way, do this all do yourself, why can't you just act normal and not worry about all this stupid stuff. When I ask for someone input on something I have done I want them to point out the good stuff, not because I think what I have done is good, but because I only see the flaws in it.
Well that is about all, I just need to explain myself and everything to someone, to try to rationalize it. Thanks for reading this.
1 like, 42 replies
alan56015 sheldon63577
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sheldon63577 alan56015
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No I haven't, I have had to keep it too myself mostly. I don't know how my parents would react sense this is a side of me they have never seen. If it persists once school is done and I move out I plan to. So yeah... Nice to know that I am not alone. :-)
cia42277 sheldon63577
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We are here when you need an ear, encouragement, ideas to help, etc
I admire your courage and ability to handle a challenging situation. A big grandma hug to you.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Thanks. You don't know how much it helps to get feedback like this, or maybe you do. And I do have someone to talk to about this in a way, just I don't want to talk to them too much about it because it may start to seem like I am just complaining or something and I don't want that.
cia42277 sheldon63577
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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cia42277 sheldon63577
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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cia42277 sheldon63577
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I grew up in the 'beat' generation. Everybody felt like that!! From then to now, of all the things I have learned is this....one day at a time. Yesterday is over, tomorrow never comes because when it does it is another today.
One of my sister's favorite statements is a bible verse....This is the day that the lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Makes great sense to me, and always reminds me that all I ever have is today.
Thoughts of yesterday can bring regret, and thoughts of tomorrow anxiety and fear. Joy can really only be found in this moment. Hope I didn't get too weird here, Sheldon.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Haha, nah you didn't get weird. Makes sense. My family is pretty religious so I hear stuff like that all the time. It helps just, easier said than done. I try to look at all the positives and not worry about he past or future just sometimes my mind can think more than it should. When I am doing one thing to distract me or whatever my mind is thinking about a bunch of other stuff. Sometime when I am having pure fun it seems to all go away but well that can't happen all the time. Just its annoying I could be doing something then something reminds me of one thing that I did 3 months ago that I suddenly regret for some reason, or the opposite I suddenly for no reason start to worry about the future. I don't try to or want to at all it just happens.
cia42277 sheldon63577
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One thing you really need to keep in mind. You are in charge of your thoughts. "Keep your mind in captivity." Your thoughts are just thoughts. nothing else. They are not in charge of you.
Take your mind back, take your life back. When my thoughts try to take me to those awful places, I say...you are not real...you are just a thought, so shut up and get lost! It works. Some days i have to do it more than others, but the fact is that now they seldom riase their ugly heads because they always got slapped down.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Ok, yeah you are right. Just I try to, just sometimes it seems like an endless battle. And well I break a little. I try. It is just too much sometimes. But yeah I try, when they happen I just tell myself that it doesn't matter, they are not real, the changes of something like that to happen is incredibly small, but then it is like, the chance is still there. Just eh I think too much.
cia42277 sheldon63577
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My doctor told me that very thing...you are thinking too much. Think of training your mind like training a puppy. How many many times you have to say no until finally just a glance from you stops the puppy. It is a process that if we don't keep it up, the puppy will keep peeing on the rug.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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cia42277 sheldon63577
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Telling yoursef to calm down won't work. You have to speak to the lying thoughts directly. My original statement (same every time) was...Oh no you don't!!You are not real, you are just a thought, so shut up and get out!!! I said this with great force and authority. Eventually, it got down to ..Oh no you don't. Shut up! Now, I hardly ever have to say it because my thoughts know I'm not having any.....no more! It took a couple of months of constant every day vigilence over what I allowed my thoughts to do to me. I just had enough, Sheldon. Hugs to you.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Ok, thanks, thanks for chating with me, it has helped alot. I don't want to annoy you or take your time by chatting with you all day. Thanks. I will try that, just ordering yourself to stop basically. Thanks.
Tip cia42277
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cia42277 sheldon63577
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You will never annoy me, Sheldon. Let me make a BIG correction on your last statement....you are not ordering yourself to stop!!!!!!!! You are ordering the anxiety thoughts to stop. Please understand that. You are fine, your THOUGHTS are not.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Thank you so much, I don't even know you and you want to help. That is amazing. I am always a little worried that I will say too much or something and annoy someone or something. And ok, it is difficult to separate the two sometimes but I will try. :-)
cia42277 sheldon63577
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Trust me, Sheldon...if you annoyed me, I WOULD BE THE ONE WITH A PROBLEM!!! It brings tears to my eyes to think of you going through this alone because you thought you were bothering me. I believe I speak for all of us here. We are here to help, and it's great when we see that we are doing that.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Thank you so much Just, I haven't ever really had someone in a sense to talk to like this. Sure I have my friends but stuff like his is kinda left out, it is awkward in a sense. So thanks.
cia42277 sheldon63577
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You are so welcome. You know where I am...where we all are, and that we ore your personal cheering team.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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cia42277 sheldon63577
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Up to you. If it's something you prefer everyone not to read or just want to be private PM if fine.
Anyway, it is totally up to you.
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Ok, thanks, well hopefully I won't have to talk with you again, if you know what I mean. ;-). Thanks alot, haha can't say that enough apparently. :-)
sheldon63577 cia42277
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Hi, I don't know if this matters but I did a little experiment. So I decided to take my heart rate when I have and anxiety attack which happend 30 or so minutes ago and compare it to my average heart rate when I am resting. So my average resting heart rate is between 50 and 70 BPM. And well my heart rate when I was having an anxiety attack was 110 BPM, and I was doing the same thing just sitting. I don't know, it just made it seem a bit more real, like it is not just in my head I can see physical numbers and evidence that tells me that it is real, not a figment of my imagination.
cia42277 sheldon63577
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Not a bad idea, Sheldon. You got your proof....now do not get hung up on doing that. Let it alone now. I've seen people here find something that helped, then get obsessive over it.
We don't want to do that.
Once any of us finally get it....we are dealing with anxiety, things get easier. Keep reading other discussions here, learn...and...jump in to help whenever you can. Reading the posts of others has helped me tremendously. Being able to give answers now, helps me even more, Honey. Enjoy your day!!!
sheldon63577 cia42277
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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cia42277 sheldon63577
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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sheldon63577 cia42277
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