I just need to explain this all to someone, to rationalize it.
Posted , 5 users are following.
I am going to try to explain anxiety in my way. What I have experienced and felt from it. I will not say that I have it bad I will just say what I know.
It is a feeling of loss and loneliness in a way that is unexplainable with mere words, it is like being shot in the middle of a busy and crowded street and no one notices, or cares to help. Of being alone in a world full of people. There are plenty of people out there who would like to help but don't know. It is a hidden danger. Something that atleast I try to hide away with a soft smile or a nice comment, when inside my heart is beating a mile a minute and I feel I may vomit.
It is a voice in the back of my head that points out all the times I have messed up, and makes me worry about them and think on how people must have thought of me at the time. It is something that you hate about yourself, that voice that overwhelms your mind with bad thoughts, to the point where you need distractions in life or else they keep on coming back.
It makes me think over and over again and worry about simple tasks. When my friend asks me to go in the store to pick something up I don't tell him but it is probably the worst thing he could ask me to do. On my way to the counter my mind races to think of exactly what to say to the cashier. And when I do get to the cashier and say it all correctly and it seems to go smoothly I feel so proud of my self for doing the simplest thing. Then later that day I get annoyed with myself for not being able to do it more easily.
In school when I am doing a work sheet or a test I intentialy slow myself down so I do not finish first because the thought of walking up to the front of the class to pass it in first terrifies me. I can't ask for help on worksheets because I get very worried about how people will think about me if it is a very simple question.
At lunch when I do have food I get stressed about when I should go to the trash can so I normally wait until someone else goes and when they come back I wait a minute then leave myself. But now I don't even really eat a whole lot at lunch, it stresses me out and makes my stomach turn and makes me feel sick. So I just don't eat and just sit with my friends. It came to a point where one of my friends would give me some of his food and another would ask me to get lunch. I just tell them that I am not that hungry but they normally forced me to have some yogurt or something.
It causes me to not be able to talk to people myself, I can't initialize the conversation because what if I am just annoying them, what if I say something wrong. This becomes a problem when I am a 17 year old boy who is 5'9", not nessasaraly the type of person you would think would act or feel this way.
I tend to wear the same style of clothing everyday, because it takes that bit of stress away on chossing what to wear the next day.
When I am out with my friends eating I always just go with whatever they have. Because well coming up with my own order is just too stressful, it is easier to just say I will have the same, and then I stress on what if the person forgot what the same was.
That is what stress does to me. There are many other things that happen. And I don't tell anyone because I fear they may see me differently, act differently around me. I also fear that they will think that I just crave attention, but I don't I, just sometime feel the urge to try to rationalize this all with someone, to try to explain it. Keeping it all in my mind is, is not good. My mind is not the best place for me to be, it points out all the flaws and constantly askes why, why why! Do you act this way, do this all do yourself, why can't you just act normal and not worry about all this stupid stuff. When I ask for someone input on something I have done I want them to point out the good stuff, not because I think what I have done is good, but because I only see the flaws in it.
Well that is about all, I just need to explain myself and everything to someone, to try to rationalize it. Thanks for reading this.
1 like, 42 replies
Tip sheldon63577
Posted
Your words realy hit home for me. Withmy anxiety, even loud noises would set me off. Even hearing the sound of when I get a text message.
?For the longest time, I felt out of place. I was the one who was different and struggle. As I looked at everone around, I thought that everyone else was happy except me. I still feel that way.
As for the eating, for me it has been hard. Food just doesn't sound appealing and the less I eat the weaker I get. The weaker I get, the more the anxiety takes over.
?Talk to someone. A school counselor or you general practitioner. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own because you are not alone.
?Sheldon, I do admire your courage to express yourelf. That's half the battle. You have support here and we will always have a listening ear.
Anxiety has not age limit. Anxiety is a horrible beast that wants control over you, over me.
?Know you'll be in my thoughts. Pleae reach out to your doctor. There are many options out there to help you.
?Sending you positive vibes. Wishing ou well and keep us posted. Take care hun!!
sheldon63577 Tip
Posted
Guest sheldon63577
Posted
Hi, believe it or not this is extremely comforting to hear, I'm going through exactly the same thing, I'm 17, female and 5'4. My anxiety is taking over my life, can I ask, when you talk about "the voice", did you ever worry it was schizophrenia? I did a lot, until I realized the voice is me, in my head, the same one you hear when you read things. How are you getting on now? Since the GP.
sheldon63577 Guest
Posted
Hi, funny I am 17 as well, male though, just found that interesting. So we are pretty similar in that way.
I don't think I ever thought it was schizophrenia. For me the voice, my voice is more of the logic side in many cases. It is trying to figure out why I am feeling this way. So I usually had the feeling it was me. It was me but confused, I could tell that it wasn't trying in a sense to hurt me it was avtualy trying to help me, protect me by worrying about what could happen so I would be ready. The thing is that doesn't help at all, it makes it worse having to worry about more stuff. So yeah, to me it was always me just a confused me trying to figure out why why why!
Well I just woke up and this is the day after I saw my gp. I would say that I feel better even thought I haven't taken the meds yet. It gives me hope. Before I went it was my problem that I had to figure out how to fix, and well I don't think that was possible because the problem was me, I was the one who was causing this on myself even though it was unintentional it was still me. I was just trying to fix a broken hammer with another hammer which doesn't realy work. Going to my gp made me feel like I wasn't alone, not only my problem. I have to say that I was externally stressed leading up to it, thinking about how bad it could go and everything, but guess what, none of thoughs thoughts happened. It went smothly and in the end I felt better just to know I am going to be ok that this could help. I haven't realy experienced life without anxiety, it has always been there, I honesty thought it was normal to feel this way. I still have anxiety, it hasn't magically disappeared, it has been and will be a fight, for all of us but we will make it.
Haha, such a simply question you asked but I apparent felt like wrighting am essay respondse, sorry. Now have you been to your gp? And what do you think your anxiety is rooted in? for me I think it is socially.
Guest sheldon63577
Posted
Hi there, I'm new to this site so I didn't even know you had replied! I'm so sorry, but since I've spoken to my GP, I'm going to be tried on another SSRI and they've told me that it's just racing thoughts that can become loud, if a patient has schizophrenia they don't know they have it or worry that they have it because they see things that aren't real, but real to them? So I'm all clear on that, it's awesome to talk to someone I can relate to
thanks for taking the time to reply to me, since I've given up caffeine I've noticed a massive difference in my anxiety attacks too, I have GAD anxiety so it's not so social with me, just my mind is extremely active and my GP said I've got OCD too, yay my brain! Am I right haha, so hopefully now this other SSRI will work, I'd like to know in due course you the medication is working for you if that's okay 
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