I just want my life back.

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To whoever may come across this post:

My name is Amber. I'm a 19 year old female currently suffering with health anxiety. I've had anxiety I'm assuming all my life. Even as a little girl I worried about things that no little girl ever should. Death, life, money, and disease. Everything. I had my first real panic attack when I was 15. I had experienced my first physical symptom of anxiety. Chest tightness/chest pressure. I did what everyone with my condition should NEVER do. I googled my symptoms. "Lung cancer" I conjured up in my brain that this has to be the only logical explanation. "I had fluid in my lungs and my days were limited." I thought. I went into full panic. Screaming and crying I woke my mother up. I begged her to take me to the hospital. She comforted me and assured me it was all just the product of a strange word I never really heard before. "Anxiety". There I was thinking she was the crazy one and that she didn't care that I could drop dead any second. I've had situations throughout my life but nothing quite as severe as what I'm going through right now. I was involved in a pretty terrible car accident a couple months ago. My boyfriend and I got t-boned late at night while going through a stop sign a little too soon. We both walked away with little injury. He had a few bruises and sore muscles. I somehow smashed my head and needed 3 staples. I was in such shock I was calm pretty much the entire time. A few weeks after that happened I experienced something that I had no clue would take me on this life consuming journey. Chest pain. "Oh god" I thought. My heart. It has to be my heart. So once again, I googled. Symptoms of heart failure immediately popped up. I went into full panic. My boyfriend drove me to the ER upon my constant begging. I had a chest X-ray and EKG done. They found nothing abnormal. I had a dry cough so they blamed it on maybe some post nasal drip or allergies. I was sent home. With no relief of these symptoms. (Chest pain, chest tightness, back pain, heart palpitations, fast heart rate) I continued to panic. I was on google every day looking for an answer. It's been a month since this experience and I'm still experiencing these symptoms. Expect now they're even stronger. I google around 5-6 times a day. I can't even live a normal life anymore. I snap at everyone I love. I don't even remember what it feels like to just sit on the couch with my boyfriend and watch a movie without focusing in on every pain, every ache. Every twinge. To anyone who feels similar, or maybe even worse. To anyone with any type of anxiety. To anyone who feels like they're losing their life to this evil condition. You're not alone.

I just want my life back.

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Well, none of us are alone on here. At Least we have each other on here. Ive just recently experienced panic attacks at 28, I to in the recent weeks have analyzed every pain in my body, except I'm OK with the pains, my fear is the unknown... I just want to know what I'm experiencing, like if I'm going to have lung cancer and die yeah that sucks but it's alot better then the unknown, unknown being wtf is this fear (panic attack) coming from?

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    • Posted

      I'm the same way. It's like the doctors saying it's just anxiety or panic disorder. That's great and all but why? What's causing it? How do you make it stop? Can you make it stop? It's a whole cycle of mess and it's terrible. Fear of the unknown is what my anxiety feeds off of.

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    • Posted

      Yes my question as well is why, how did I go all this time with out it then all of a sudden I start getting it. And why 9 days after a big pannic attack am I still feeling dizzy , having mini panic attacks, etc. I feel I'm dwelling on it, and that's why it's lingering. Realizing that has helped a bit.

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  • Posted

    Dear Amber, you don't say whether you have been to your doctor or not. this would be my first port of call I would say this is a must do as you have seemed to have this most of your life, unfortunately, some of us are predisposed to this cruel illness. I have had mine most of my life but the last episode I had was the worst I have ever gone through I had the most horrendous palps last for a couple of hours at a time, the chest pains were awful and the paranoia was awful. I felt like I had lost control over my life it wasn't mine anymore, I couldn't eat sleep and I felt i didnt belong. I cried for three whole months every single day and would sleep for three to four hours in the day and at night i would sleep I just didnt want to wake from my sleep as when i did life was horrible I couldn't function and was convinced I was having heart problems and cancer I also thought i was going to die and leave my family behind. My paranoia was such at one stage when we were going on holiday whilst at the airport, all the security systems went down and I thought we were going to be attacked  when we got on holiday I just couldn't settle and worried for my family back home, I thought we wouldn't get back home and made the holiday a nightmare for my husband and son. But...... I had the most wonderful doctor I had gone to the surgery five times in two weeks begged them to do an ECG and a Holter monitor all which was clear but she had the patience of a saint. we also found out that I am menopausal but she put me on anti- depressants and  almost back to "normal" and I am getting my life back I look back and realise hl the CBT it is teaching me how to cope when the anxiety does come back. I do have the odd blip day but that also goes with the menopause now I understand I cope a lot better. sorry its been a long post but wanted to let you see some of what I went through and there is light at the end of the tunnel. a lot of it, we can do ourselves but for most of us we need a crutch to get started this is an excellent forum for support One goal I would set myself, is to stop going on google that makes you ten times worse take it off your computer so you cant go on it you will get more genuine information on here because every one on here is going through the same to some extent and I would say more "qualified" as we have all gone through the symptoms. keep coming on here I do still come on here because i am at an even keel no doubt in the future i may slip but i will be able to cope better and like everyone one here if I can help in anyway I am here YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT AND YOU WILL with the right help keep strong my lovely  

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your reply! Knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel so much better. Which is another reason I wrote this post. I want anyone out there going through what I am to know they're not crazy and that anxiety is real. It's such a scary thing. I only have moments of calmness and realize I'm okay. I'm still alive and it's all just a part of having anxiety. But then the pain strikes and I'm back where I'm started. It's such a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to break it sad I haven't been to any doctors regarding my anxiety. My mother and my sister both have general anxiety. I mainly have health anxiety even tho I can have anxiety about really anything lol. Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to tell me your story. I appreciate it more than you realize. Take care smile

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    • Posted

      Please go to the doctor. Knowing for sure that is anxiety rather than some other weird thing will help. They may put you on meds for a time so you can get calm enough to begin to help yourself, darling girl.

      Seeing a doctor was the best thing I ever did for myself when my life and sanity were on the line.

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  • Posted

    I'm in a similar place right now. It all started with a panic attack about 6 months ago. I was convinced I have heart failure. I went to my doctor twice in 2 weeks and finally they gave me an EKG and did blood work. Everything was normal. They listened toy heart and lungs and said everything sounded great. That calmed me for about a day and then it was other symptoms. It seems as though once I get past one symptom another one pops up. I wake with anxiety in the morning and mornings are usually my worst. Like you, I even have dreams that involve my anxiety. I will be feeling sick in my dream or like I'm panicking and sure enough I wake up that way. My doctor prescribed me Xanax which does take my anxiety away and I can feel normal for the time that it's working but it's short term and very addictive. They also put me on prozac but it's been 3 months and I am not better. Recently I did have a good week and thought I was through it but nope, it came back with a vengeance. Lately I just haven't been feeling like myself. I think it's depersonalization or derealization. I feel like I'm in a dream state or really drunk but I don't drink. I wish I could find my way out of this hell. I had this for awhile years ago and then it took a six year break but like I said, it came back six months ago.

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  • Posted

    Hi I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are suffering so badly.

    I too feel like you and google every little symptom.

    If you ever want to talk please messge me

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