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Hi, i have no idea where to start with this but im going to try my hardest, excuse the typos or lack of grammar, im on mobile lol..
Ive been struggling with depression my whole life due to some complicated family type ordeals, but never was my anxiety so bad until a few years back when i got into a super rocky and terribly stressful relationship with someone far too old for me. To keep a long story short, it didnt work out. But its how i felt during those three years thats seemed to mess me up ever since. From 2011 til 2014 i suffered through this relationship, it left me feeling worthless, paranoid, and just otherwise incredibly unfunctional. I suddenly developed an intense social anxiety, something i had never dealt with bfore then (and thankfully no longer experience) and it left me practically trapped in the house for ever. I feel like i spent 80% of my time during those 3 years sitting up in my bed on my laptop trying to forget everything around me. Apart from the socia anxiety, i developed a severe fear of my general health bcause i knew nothing about my lifestyle then was healthy i was a huge hypochondriac, but not the kind that goes to the doctors every time they think somethings wrong. Nope. Just the kind that cried and had panic attacks bearly every single day if not more than once per day. I hardly slept, i ate so sporadically that i still am trying to regulate my eating patterns. I cried all the time, had mental breakdowns, couldnt even take a bath without the natural movement of the water triggering a panic attack (i was so terrified of being dizzy and feinting or having a stroke or some crazy thing that the slightest wobbly feeling set me off) the whole thing just left me so unbelievably depressed, and anxious i felt like i was going crazy, and no one seemed to want to care or try and offer their support i felt so alone. And so worthless. It eventually took a lot of love from an ntirely different person for me to end that terrible relationship, but the after affects of said relationship lasted for so long i could hardly function, again. I moved back in with my parents and slept on my brothers floor for what seemed like months. I stayed in all day just with my cat and my laptop again, i had no energy for life, the anxiety was slowly depleating but the number one issue that still remains are all the physical after effects of that ordeal. It took a long time but i finally got a job in the very tail end of the summer of 2015, and with the job i was able to come out of my shell and rebuild the friendships i had abandoned years prior. I found retail a bit draining mentally, but physically it was easy standing there all day and ringing out customers. Eventually i quit that job and moved on to become a busser at a chain restaurant in the area. Its a lot of hard work. Physically, its the most work ive done in my short 22 years so far! I know that might be saying a lot, but its only the second job ive ever had. Anyways, im noticing more and more just how hard it is for me to move now that ive got this job. When i was a teenager, before that terrible relationship, i had all the energy in the world. Aside from the days i was up all night the night prior, i was a regular active teenager full of enough life to try and do something to stay from being so stagnent. I dont know if this exhaustion and fatigue is a mixture of many things or what, but its gotten so bad. My chest hurts so much in the mornings when ive had no sleep and ive got to move stacks of high chairs and rolled silverware. I get so winded so easily even when i have gotten a lot of sleep, i can walk more than i could this time last year, but my heartrate is still far too high when exerting energy than anyone else in my age group (i went to the gym a couple of months ago with a friend and my heartrate on low energy cardio was at the range of someone who was doing extreme cardio) i get frequent heart palpitations, which can sometimes be very very scary. Just looking at something when stuff is moving around me can sometimes trigger a dizzy spell so intense its like vertigo
Now i will admit i still have a hard time caring for myself since those 3 dark years. I dont drink nearly as much water as i should, and i dont eat regular meals or healthy ones at that. But regardless of that, i still feel so crazy like im dying, that everything is going to get worse just because i spent 3 years of my life so stagnant. I feel like my body will only fall apart slowly and ill never get back to the healthy youthful vigor i once had. Ill never be able to keep up with anyone else my age. I'll just deteriorate like i slowly did in my apartment. I just need to know, is there anyone whos gone through something similar? Something worse? And if so has anyone become healthy again, do i still have a chance, if i try hard enough, will i ever be normal again..
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