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I am turning 61 in a few days. I'm quite bright. I have been depressed since I was 11 or 12. I have gotten medical help, but it's always "let's find some combination of drugs..." and they all, without question, make me "stupid". I have a demanding (intellectually) career. Unfortunately, I went to work for a company that is closing the office I work in. At 61, people take one look at me and I get the, "You're very qualified, but we are looking for someone that will fit in with the team a bit better," routine.
I have forgotten what pleasure feels like. For 50 years I have hoped, every night before I fall asleep, to not wake up in the morning. And every morning I am disappointed.
My wife is partially disabled (very bad back) and a few years younger than I. My life insurance policy is more than I will probably make in the next few years. I have no joy, no pleasure and my mask is getting more and more tiring to put on. My children are grown and have good careers. I'm not really necessary any more. I am considering having an accident.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Perhaps some glimmer of hope. If anyone has a magic wand to suddenly make me worthwhile and happy, I'll take it. As long as it doesn't come in the form of a pill.
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