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I know this group is largely for young people with their live ahead of them, but...

Posted , 11 users are following.

Baddog
Baddog

I am turning 61 in a few days.  I'm quite bright.  I have been depressed since I was 11 or 12.  I have gotten medical help, but it's always "let's find some combination of drugs..." and they all, without question, make me "stupid".  I have a demanding (intellectually) career.  Unfortunately, I went to work for a company that is closing the office I work in.  At 61, people take one look at me and I get the, "You're very qualified, but we are looking for someone that will fit in with the team a bit better," routine.

I have forgotten what pleasure feels like.  For 50 years I have hoped, every night before I fall asleep, to not wake up in the morning.  And every morning I am disappointed.

My wife is partially disabled (very bad back) and a few years younger than I.  My life insurance policy is more than I will probably make in the next few years.  I have no joy, no pleasure and my mask is getting more and more tiring to put on.  My children are grown and have good careers.  I'm not really necessary any more.  I am considering having an accident.

I don't know why I'm posting this.  Perhaps some glimmer of hope.  If anyone has a magic wand to suddenly make me worthwhile and happy, I'll take it.  As long as it doesn't come in the form of a pill.

3 likes, 18 replies

18 Replies

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  • phyllis11904
    phyllis11904 Baddog

    Posted

    Hello Baddog. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder for the first time in my life when I was 66 and had just retired. I am 70 now and happy to be alive. I do take antidepressants and they gave me back my life. I don't know whether you still need to work for financial reasons or if you feel your self worth is tied to your job. You have a family who loves you, and from what you wrote, I assume you haven't told them how depressed you feel. You have a right to a happy retirement. I don't know why you feel so strongly about not taking meds if they can help you. There are a few of us golden oldies on this site so you are not alone. Give yourself permission to he happy and do what you need to enjoy your life, even trying meds if they can help. Good luck and let me know how you are doing.

    • Baddog
      Baddog phyllis11904

      Posted

      I will never have the opportunity to retire, unfortunately.  Things just aren't going to work in that direction.  Don't really mind.  I don't want meds because every one that I've tried has slowed me down.  I can't do that and function in my field.  Thanks for the kind thoughts.

  • Guest
    Guest Baddog

    Posted

    Hi Baddog,

    Where did you get the idea this forum is only for the young-uns? I will be 64 in a few weeks, I have a PhD in Electrical Engineering and work on Electrical/Hybrid vehicles for a major automobile manufacturer. I've had clinical Depression since I was 12-started just about the same time yours did.

    I considered dying to be preferable to living with my Depression many times over the years-during a deep period of Depression when I was 37-38 my wife finally insisted I go to a Psychiatrist and he prescribed the then-new drug of Paxil for me. My Depression must have been caused by serotonin deficiency, because the difference was night and day for me. As you can imagine, I could not function as a Research Engineer in this challenging field if my thoughts were the least bit disturbed from the medication-SSRI drugs to not impact me that way, thank goodness.

    But even with the medication I have had recurrent Depression/Anxiety (the two are related). For example in February 2017 my mother and only brother died 2 days apart. My Dad had been gone for 15 years already. Then my wife got sick and was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. At the same time I was having issues with one of my programs at work and was under great stress. Then my only living relative, an estranged sister I have not spoken to in 15 years decided to sue me in Probate Court over my Mom's estate. A year and a half later I am still engaged in that Court Case. I have never been in a hospital overnight in my life, but about 2 months ago all the Stress and Anxiety got to me and I dropped into a deep depression where I did not want to live. My wife and Therapist had me hospitalized and a week and a half later with good diet, rest, proper food, Therapy and the like I was released feeling MUCH better and  having learned some Coping Skills to help me handle the Stress.

    The point being, any of us can have a breakdown under the right set of conditions-even folks like me who have never been in hospital in over 6 decades. This forum is for EVERYONE to share those stories as well as tips on medication, therapy, diet, quality sleep, exercise and anything else we can discuss to help each other out. 

    You are still a young man with a lot of life in front of you, stop thinking about 'accidents' and start thinking how you an use your intelligence, training and many skills to help make the world a better place. We need learned folks like yourself in this forum, advising and helping out. Believe me we need voices like that!

    • Baddog
      Baddog Guest

      Posted

      I appreciate the input.  I can relate to some of what you are going through.  In 2001, my company went under on 9/11 (lost $1M and one of my people in tower two).  On 9/26 I shut my company down - laid off 300 people.  My mother died on Dec 29th that year and my father in law went blind in Feb (macular degen).  Then my mother in law had a fatal stroke in Sept that year.  We lost everything.  Cars, house, insurance, retirement, etc.  Everything.  Too many things.  I dove deep.  Paxil made me very, very foggy.  They moved me to Celexa and I had a strange reaction - I simply could not sleep.  When I was weaned off of it, I had high blood pressure - they think my reaction caused it.

      Anyway, I'm really at a loss.  Truth is, I'm kind of tired.  And I just can't stop thinking about not being here.  It's every day.  Sigh.

      Anyway, thank you for the kind words.

    • ann55375
      ann55375 Baddog

      Posted

      I understand you are in a hard place right now.  I am the same as you, every med they tried made me much worse and i had to stop.  I am battling on in the hope there must be something out there to help, we just havent found it yet, you might try to do the same. It is hard but not being here is not the answer to it all eben though it feels like it right now.  Good professional help is what would help im sure.
    • Guest
      Guest Baddog

      Posted

      Baddog, if you are truly considering suicide I hope you will have yourself admitted to Hospital. They really can help you out. The week and a half I spent there was cathartic for me and as I noted I had never spent a night in hospital in my life-I visited other people when they were in hospital.

      Every life is too precious, if only in it's potential to make an impact in this world. You've been through some tough times, no question. I can relate. But your obvious intelligence makes you all the more precious in your potential to provide guidance to your fellow man. You need to recognize that, even depressed, you have value to your fellow man. 

      I'm looking forward to Autumn in the USA, when the leaves start turning colors and the temperature cools off. I plan to see a few college football games and enjoy the autumn with my wife and dogs. Hopefully my Court Case will be resolved by then, it looks like it. Just a couple months ago I could see no future for myself other than taking my own life, that's how quickly things can turn around. Don't make the ultimate mistake when you may be just a few weeks from breaking out of this Depression and seeing a far brighter future.

  • brenda69464
    brenda69464 Baddog

    Posted

    Please Don't do anything rash.

    You are loved by your family and friends.

    We in this community care about you and your struggle.

    We understand your feelings as we have experienced them. Some members ,worse than others.

    Unfortunately there is no magic cure,but there is help.

    After years of prescription medications and NO feelings of any kind I visited an ayurvedic practitioner who helped me wean off of prescriptions and onto a combination of herbal supplements. They have been working for me for almost 1 and1/2 years ! It has not been easy but it is rewarding !  I has been a lot of hard work to do to get to this point but I can say that it has been worth it for me (and my family).

    We just welcomed our 6th grandchild ! I did so with tears ! (of joy!)

    Please stay in contact with this group.

    We want to help you feel better

    virtual hugs

  • phyllis11904
    phyllis11904 Baddog

    Posted

    I read your reply to Phil about your experience from 9/11. You have been through a lot and you're still here. You are overdo for some happiness in your life. My meds don't slow me down or cause any problems with my functionality. I know people don't always have the same reaction to meds, but maybe some of the newer ones will work for you now. If you can have some happiness in life you owe it to yourself to find it.

    Good luck.

  • Heartbleed
    Heartbleed Baddog

    Posted

    Hi mate

    Although I have no answer for you I can tell you I am in more or less the same situation as you.

    I am 66 severely depressed and like you I wish I was dead

    Heartbleed

    • martha38300
      martha38300 Heartbleed

      Posted

      Hang in there! There’s something great waiting for you around the corner. Find a reason...just one thing that makes you want to stay and hang tight. We’re here.

      wishing you and Baddog the best.    Martha

  • sam18386
    sam18386 Baddog

    Posted

    Depression can hit at any age, you post away on here! I may not be your age but it doesn't matter, what difference does it make as long as you get the support you need. It's not nice to see that someone of 61 has depression, you poor woman. Sorry to hear of your plight.

  • hypercat
    hypercat Baddog

    Posted

    Hi no magic wands available I'm afraid!  There are a lot of young people on here but there are also quite a few older ones too.  I am 64 and have suffered with depression since about 7/8.  Old age sure isn't for sissies!  x

  • martha38300
    martha38300 Baddog

    Posted

    i feel much like you do but mine is a result of a massive change in physical health and relentless pain. Two years ago I was a healthy, vibrant, active 49 year old woman. Now I’m a shut in who has lost her job, can’t exercise, and is too ill most of the time to socialize. I too feel like a useless waste of space. We may not have joy or much pleasure but we can find one thing to be grateful for; one reason to keep showing up, and we can put ourselves in the shoes of those who love us. My husband often points out to me that I am not a useless waste of space in the eyes of all those who care for me and that the positive effect I have on them is productive in its own right. I’d never thought of that before. Talk to your wife about it as much as you can. It’s ok to let her be the strong one for you sometimes. This too will help her feel worthy and useful. 

    Also, maybe you could consider a job that is more service,oriented. Working in an elder home, helping kids at risk. Social Services is always looking for good help. You may not get rich doing it but, emotionally, it might be just the thing.

    i try to avoid situations where I need to don ‘the mask’ for any great length of time. I try to be mindful of when I can and can’t do it. And it’s ok to cancel plans. It happens.

    try to stop beating yourself up. For the love of all that’s holy, we wouldn’t allow friends to talk to us the way we talk to ourselves. Try to be mindful...and tell that negative voice to go to Hell. Reach out again and again. Meditate.

    these are things I try. I’m not disciplined enough to do them all perfectly but just as I’m forgetting to do one, I’m remembering to do another. As far as I’m concerned, that’s progress. Hey, today I didn’t wake up disappointed. That’s something .

    my best to you on your journey. Feel free to b***h to me any old time. I’ll b***h right back and we’ll both be better off for it!         Martha

    • ann55375
      ann55375 martha38300

      Posted

      I can agree with all you say.  I have come to acceptvslowly the physocal problems now at 66 but it has caused me to be a worse worrier and now depressed. Each anti dep they try has made me worse. Did you need or indeed find any help outbthere or have you much more strength of mind than me and overcome things without meds?

    • martha38300
      martha38300 ann55375

      Posted

      No, I use Bupropion. I don’t love it but most of the time it keeps me from the edge of wanting to be dead. And to be honest, for all my solid advice, there are plenty of days I am unable to pay any heed to it and it all goes right out the window. We do what we can do when we can do it. The rest we just have to be patient with.

      im so sorry for anyone who suffers this way. Sending my best.  

    • ann55375
      ann55375 martha38300

      Posted

      I hear all,you say and agree with it all.  I am exactly like you. Supportive hubby who keeps telling me im not a waste of space or a burden but i feel like one.  As you say, some days better thsn others.  My physical problems worry me so much they spike the anxiety and that makes me worse.  I really wonder if theres something more physical wrong with me and they just havent found it yet. My mother died of brain tumour, undiagnosed until,last weeks but symptoms put down to other things for about five years anyway.  So, am i ill with neurological sumptoms of tingling leg  and irritable,bladder worrying me, or am i anxious causing them? Vicious circle. Cant get gp,to take it seriously enough, just fo see a urologist etc. Sure i dont need that.  Feel like not a member of normal society with all this.  Sleep is so interrupted but anxiety, is thatnthe cause of all,this.  Seems like too easy an answer.
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