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So I’m 16, just left high school and I am in my 5th week of college. I’ve been depressed for 3 years, and I’ve realised it’s got progressively worse. I don’t really know how it started. Well, I do (kind of) but I don’t see why it’s something that should cause depression. I’m from a large family, it’s not a loving family at all. I don’t have conversations with any of them, and if we do talk, it’s short and quick, anything longer blows up into an argument. We don’t do anything together, last time we had a “holiday” was a weekend to the nearest beach (3 and a half years ago) and that turned into a s**t stain.
I don’t know what to do, I’ve only ever had friends inside of school, or now, inside of college. Never anything outside of those times, I understand that a lot of that is my fault, because I’m not sociable. I’ve not been sociable since around year 10 in high school (the years go from Year 7 - Year 11). This was around the time when my friend group or whatever you call it, started regularly doing drugs, I don’t just mean weed, but all sorts of s**t like cocaine, ecstasy, acid. All sorts. Immediately i lost interest with them, and just like that I lost connection with most of my “friends”. The rest slowly drifted away because they stuck with the majority, I don’t blame them honestly. There were many times they offered me stuff and I considered it. But my parents are super strict on drugs, I’m not scared of them flipping out on me, more on the disappointment they’d have in me. So, yea. For the next 1 and a half years I stuck with the same group, because I was too worried about trying to join any others (because at this point groups had been established). They’d just talk about what went on at the weekend, who got twisted out their head, sharing videos of each other gurning and all that disgusting s**t. So I was in the conversations, but left out at the same time. And I think this was where loneliness seriously hit me.
I’m not stupid, I’m aware of things that happen in life, my final grades of high school were the best in my family, I passed every subject with flying colours. I went home that day and I got congratulated by everyone that was around. My parents promised they’d “treat me” and my exact response was “you say that but you probably won’t”. It’s been 3 months and since that day there hasn’t been any mention of it. Now you probably think I’m being a spoilt brat or something. I don’t see it that way. I have 5 sisters and a brother, (I’m Male btw) and we don’t really have money. So as you can imagine, we barely ever do stuff, or get treated. So the gcse results were kind of a big thing and I was excited when they made that promise, but I was left with disappointment as per usual.
My relationship with my parents is quite bad. I’ve chosen to study engineering in aerospace, I try to talk to my dad about it but all the f*****g time all he does is bring up whether it’s a suitable choice for my life or not. I say that I’m interested in aerospace and his actually response (yesterday) was “no you’re not”. The way he said it p****d me off, but who the f**k is he to say whether I’m interested in something or not ? Why can’t he just support me in what’s probably the biggest decision I’ve taken in life so far? It’s an interest I have, I have remarkably few interests as a result of my depression. I don’t care about much. I don’t care about my physical appearance. I used to regularly play football, now I do f**k all. I don’t even go on the computer or console. I just sit on my phone all day and then wonder where the time went.
I doubt anyone’s even reading this
I’ve considered suicide multiple times, but I think that’s just selfish of me. Why should I put my struggles on the people around me?
I just want to hug my parents and cry in their arms, I don’t remember what that feels like. Last time my mother hugged me was in primary school. I don’t remember the last time my father hugged me.
I usually cry myself to sleep
I know I need to get a job, but I can’t get myself to do it. I don’t know why. And this is what’s p*****g me off, I don’t know the reasons why I do what I do. I completely zone out into fantasy worlds where there is so much less misery, and find myself coming back to reality where it’s just s**t.
I don’t know what I want in life, I’m incredibly lonely, I can’t socialise anymore. I’m so miserable I don’t even have interest in girls anymore (I’m not gay btw)
When people do try to talk to me, I unintentionally push them away.
I feel like I fell off the boat 3 years ago, I’ve been staying afloat but nothings working, I’m staying where I am on the surface but going no where, the boat is continuing without me, and I’m running out of options, so now I’m giving up and feel like drowning.
I shouldn’t even be feeling like this, I feel like a little b***h because of it. So many people actually have good reasons why they’re depressed. What’s my reason? Loneliness, a family terrible at expressing emotion, and too much time to way overthink ?
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. If you have any suggestions, I’m open to them all. I may as well use what I’ve got left to get back on the boat before I actually drown
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