I'm a hypocrite

Posted , 11 users are following.

I've told other people on here not to do anything 'stupid'. But I have times when I really have had enough and don't want to be here anymore. I don't really want to k*ll myself, I've just simply had enough. I've had my initial appointment with the mental health team but that was weeks ago and I'm not on any meds at the moment. There are so many things from my past, plus everything that is going on in my life right now, and I honestly can't take anymore. I don't want to 'keep going' any longer. I've been doing that for years now and I'm TIRED. I mean REALLY TIRED. I have zero energy and can't take care of anything properly. I don't have any real support. I feel completely alone and have no-one I can truly lean on. I need help. I really do. I can't do this on my own anymore - I just want to lie down and not get back up again.

Anyway, today is one of those really bad days. I won't do it. At least I think I won't. I have kids. But I just don't know. I feel trapped.

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  • Posted

    Hello Hedda. I'm so sorry that you are hurting like this and are feeling so alone. It sounds like..though you didn't say..like you are carrying a heavy load by yourself. Hedda I have seen you on here I know how smart you are!! Why aren't you following up with your mental health appointments? You know we care about you and will support you through this. Right? Diane

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  • Posted

    Hedda you know we will be here when you are ready. Diane
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  • Posted

    if u ever need to talk am here
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  • Posted

    Hey Hedda, you replied to me during the week, so I'm not the one to give advice !! It's not easy I know today is sorta one of my good days an you know yourself you will have good an bad. Nothin makes sense to me at the moment, I constantly think about killin myself but a couple of hours ago when I collected my lil girl I feel guilty as hell for thinkin what I'm thinkin, I only get her weekends so midweek my mind does be thinkin all sorts, now I have my family on my back for some stupid things I said to my ex which is my nieces friend !! Feels like no turnin back until then I see my daughter.. feel stupid for all the mistakes I made an keep making an then talkin suicide ! Carry on mate carry on for your kids..

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    • Posted

      Hello! Yep, as you well know, it's hard to think anything positive on the really bad days. But I'm having an ok day today - hope you are too! I got through minute by minute (second by second!) over the weekend, and it was damn hard, but I'm so glad today that I did. Keep on keepin' on my friend! XX

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  • Posted

    Hi there Hedda,

    bless you, look hang in there please it’s hard to wait but keep the faith.

    i had an assessment they said cause I had false nails and could talk ok I was ok.

     Judged a book by its cover!!! . My gp fought this!  9 months later I went back I have been once that was to talk and she said I needed a CP N again im still waiting 14 months that cause of the 1st one!!

    i know it’s hard when you are bursting to talk and off load and the help is not there yet.

    have you  been given an emergency number to call ?? Call them and talk ....

      The mental health team keep Calling them ask how long it will be a rough estimate tell them you are really low right now. They will have a duty CPN on hand to talk to you each time you call it will be recorded and they will know you’ve been calling. This is what I have been doing.

      Have you thought maybe your  dr  could possibly put you on any medicines until you see the mental heath team? This could be a great help until the team can see you.

     I really know how you feel... I feel my  life is on Pause right now that I can’t move forward until I’ve off loaded what is shredding my head from years ago and still here and going on!!

     I am sure you’ve been told this but you’ve got kids my dear they would want you to keep going until you get that help that you desperately need as you’ve said.

     Try not to overwhelm yourself, be kind to yourself and in the meantime there is this forum... I can’t tell you how much this forum has helped me just a comment here or there.

    take care and call the team Monday Morning reach out

    take care now

    vicky🌈

     

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  • Posted

    You feel this way because of the depression.   Take baby steps and don’t try to think about all of your problems at once . Tackle a problem at a time and don’t overwhelm yourself . Be kind to yourself , pamper yourself . Tell your kids if they are old enough to understand . 
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  • Posted

    Hi Hedda I get where you are coming from.  How you are feeling is one of the major reasons I never had kids - I couldn't stand the thought of being 'trapped' coz you are when you have them.  Don't forget the plus side too though...

    I think things will start looking up for you when you have some counselling and maybe get some meds as well.  Don't expect too much of yourself while you are feeling so down and tired.  Just have hope that things will change in the future coz they will you know.  Look after yourself.  x

     

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  • Posted

    Hedda

    Everyone on this site has a busy past life that causes so much grief, Depression is like a messy living room that could benefit from a really good clean out, the problem is we need that get up and go to pick up the rubbish and attend to the mess that not only ourselves,also others who have left us with their rubbish. Rubbish thoughts from many of our own actions are made worse like above and we need help to clear out our low mood and depression.

    Just because you are waiting for a treatment plan does not mean you are unable to attend to your negativity, we are still responsible for our own health. Look for diversions like hobbies to clear your mind from a cluttered past. Look at each problem as one item you can split into small bites, take each small bite and try and sort that problem eventually all the small bites will become big bites and then you will sort out those thoughts. Do the same with each problem and move on to the next, etc

    It is sad treatment can take quite a time to arrange, because of lack of resources. If you feel the need for medication talk to your GP. Sometimes medications may not be the answer, your GP and CPN will need to address that problem, under agreement so be patient.

    You really need to divert your thoughts, I have ten trees to plant, you can do that if you wish as I am laid up at the min. and having problems with my hands etc. I am diverting my thoughts by learning how to voice activate my computer.

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Diane

      Hopefully my health will improve soon, this time I have had a massive flare that is effecting my whole right hand side from neck, down my arm and into the fingers, it is also messing about with my hips.

      It is driving me mad, I have about six trees to plant and also I am going through Health Support to help me push forward with the condition. My condition is so none productive and have to be able if possible to push through My Pain.

      Because of my hands I have problems typing so I am trying to learn how to use speech to operate my computer, my problem is my short term memory disorder.

      Never mind onward and upward. I will be back soon.

      BOB

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    • Posted

      Dear Bob,

       thinking of you today. After reading your reply back to Dianne

      i hope you are getting on well with your speech to text on your computer.

      its what I do somtimes I find it easier and you can remember what you are saying more.

      I hope today is kind to you,

      you have been so caring to others on this site.

      i wish you well

      take care

      vicky🌈

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  • Posted

    Hello everyone, I'm sorry I'm not replying to you all individually. Thank you all for your lovely replies. Everything gets overwhelming at times and things become very very dark (and I'm sure many of you know exactly how that feels). It was like that for the past few days. This weekend was pretty bloody awful but I'm feeling better today (maybe because I can see blue sky!). It'll get worse again, I know that, but for now I'm ok!  

    I'll just add, as it's been mentioned, that one of the reasons that I'm not on meds just now is that I know my moods change of their own accord, and their seems to be a seasonal pattern to them (I'm positive my mood will lift near Spring). So it's a little bit of a (probably ill advised!) experiment of mine to see what they do without the interference of anti-depressants (as in, how good will my mood get on it's own!? Because it will, I'm sure). Also, I was advised to wait to see what the psychiatrist decided to do as I've not had much luck with anti-Ds and the GPs are fairly clueless! 

    So, I still feel like a hypocrite telling others to hold on, when I myself can reach the depths of despair and know what that feels like and that it really is impossible to believe that things can improve when you feel as low as that. But hey, I'm feeling better today! One day, one hour, one minute at a time....

    Lots of love and warm wishes to you all XXX

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  • Posted

    Hi

    I don't have much wisdom to add I'm afraid...but just saying 🙋??? another one here who feels exactly the same and struggles with those super bad lows too.

    For me I just find a way to cope and wait for it to pass. Don't beat yourself up.

    Happy vibes to you all x

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