i'm beginning to wonder if i really do have depressuon. What do you think

Posted , 5 users are following.

Here is my story I am now middle aged, after my second child21 years agoI was diagnosed with post natal depression ending up in a psychiatric ward in order to really recover, I eventually returned to work as a district nurse, but found the stress to hard so I dropped my grade in order to cope. This worked really well and I got off medication. I did have a small relapse and had input from a CPN for a short while. 

I remember being off medication for about 6or 7 years. I even got promotion at work. Eventually in 2006 there were a lot of changes due to government legislation at work and this caused anxiety and difficulty in coping. My Gp at this time put me back on fluoxetine, I had counselling through work and then referred to occupational psycologist . I was then prescribed clomipramine alongside fluoxetine.

I carried on working till 2011 still on same meds, but got to a stage where I wasn't coping, due to workload and conflict with relatives. Colleagues were great they had same role but they were not affected mentally like I was. I was off sick, for about 3 months. 

2012 I managed to get voluntary redundancy with my full pension. I thought all my problems were over. I was advised by my Gp at that time now I was no longer working to try and get off tablets. Unfortunately she upt and left the practice which left me devastated. Iwasn't happy with the practice as they then didn't have a regular Gp, so I changed practices. I have now been seeing anther Dr for nearly 2 years  who I like and have built up a repore with. i managed to getvoff the clomipramine, in july 2013, but then by sept i felt i was going down again. He referred me for CBT, which finished July this year. In sept I felt unwell so he changed meds from fluoxetine to mirtszapine this was difficult but managed with extra help of diazepam whilst going through transition. After 8 weeks he took me off mirt as my legs and feet were very swollen and all my muscles ached, and put me on Venlafaxine 75 MG's. This was increased last week to 150mgs after I phoned him up saying I wasn't sleeping and my appetite had deteriorated. I must admit he said he wanted to see me but as yet I haven't made appointment wanting to get Christmas over. (I am aware how busy drs are and there are others far worse than me eg cancer sufferers in pain) .

I feel such a fraud I have been married 31 years to a good man, I have 2 boys who have both got good careers in London police and RAF. ( they are no longer at home) I am financially secure I don't drink I have a good circle of friends. I should be really happy but I'm not. I don't look forward to events when I do go out I am very quiet and don't always join in i could quite happily stay in bed all day. I feel I should make more of an effort but I find it so hard to motivate myself. i could quite happily stay in bed all day, i do not feel bored, I have difficulty making decisions which really annoys my husband. I feel I am no good at anything, and no one really cares about me. I am the one who makes contact for coffee or enquires after them but this is never returned to me.

I feel so selfish at times, and think do I really need medication or should I just try stopping. Is this depression or just self pity. I used to think work was the problem but it is now 21/2 years since I finished. 

Reading other peoples blogs makes me think I am being stupid and just need to get a grip. I have said to my Gp I have wondered if I have Münchhausen syndrome, or even bi polar cause my moods can fluctuate all though not to rxtreme. 

Thanks for reading I know it is a long story but I don't feel I can tell friends and family due to embarrassment this is the only place as no one would know me on the street.

1 like, 8 replies

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    First and most important point Diane is that you are neither stupid nor selfish.  You have been and obviously still are suffering from depression, this is a disease not self inflicted self pity! Remember that.  I have for many years suffered in almost the same way as you.  Coping for periods of time then not coping and feeling bad at myself for not seeming to appreciate what's good in my life.  I cant help it, neither can you.   I am sure that like me you don't actually want to be like this, it's not fun, it's not easy and it leaves us struggling a lot of the time.  I blamed work stress (I was a branch manager with a High St bank and we had impossible sales targets and never enough staff) but now I am finding the same stress and inability in my current job which is a lot less demanding.  My moods also fluctuate, I'm either worried, stressed, miserable, tearful, etc., or occasionally something will lift my mood and I'm over the top and the life and soul of the party (short lived however).  I HATE making decisions, mostly because I'm so worried I'll make the wrong one and regret it.  I get so overwhelmed by having to make really important decisions that I procrastinate and sometimes end up missing a deadline or doing something I didnt want because I couldnt choose.  I even fret after I've decided - eg buying new appliances for home use and even when I've chosen and taken delivery I'm still 'oh dear, maybe I should have got the other one....'.  My partner gets upset with me too, sometimes because I cant make a decision but get angry if he does something without asking and I feel its wrong.  I feel so guilty at that.  I was on citalopram, which seemed to provide some help but I had a really nasty allergic reaction to them and was very ill for a while as a result, so I had to stop taking them.  I know I should go visit the doctor again for help but I find it so difficult to explain myself properly in the scant few minutes of the appointment slot and then I come away with yet another unhelpful prescription and feel worse about myself all over again.  My friends and family all see me as someone who is good at coping with stuff and very confident with a strong personality, if only they knew.  They all know I have a bad temper but they don't know the underlying reason is that I'm very unsure, totally lacking in confidence and have no self esteem.  The brash and bold and loud exterior is a cover up.  I'm even shedding a tear as I write this because it's very cathartic being able to put this into words to be read by people who CAN understand our issues.  I too struggle badly with motivation, I function just about okay if there's a deadline but I find it so hard to just get organised and do what should be done in a calm and structured way, so I'm always feeling under pressure and behind with stuff and then I feel guilty and a 'bad person'.  I am a bit of a hoarder but hate clutter.  However whenever I try to deal with the mess and disorder, I get tired and run out of energy and really just want to stay in bed all day, as you've said above.

    I just want to be 'normal', not Miss Perfect just normal.  I feel angry sometimes that life should be such hard work for someone like me with these issues, I envy people with good mental health.  I despise myself for being like this but because I'm like this, I have no inner resources to help myself out of it.  I will try to buck up the courage to visit the doctor again after Christmas and see if I can be assertive enough to refuse SSRIs and ask for help in some other form.  Good luck getting through the 'festive' season......it's a slog.

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    • Posted

      Thank you loxie it is reassuring to know there is someone else out there in a similar situation. I had a few tears reading your reply, I felt you were describing me. I have read blogs of others and they appear to have so many other issues ie drugs, drinking, family break up, financially insecure, so I can understand their reasoning for depression. But for me I do not have any of those issues so I cannot understand my reasoning for feeling low. I do function fairly well to a certain degree during the day. If I have an appointment I will shower dress and attend appointment, I will meet friends for coffee, but if I have nothing planned I will sit around not have a wash,  but as soon as hubby comes home from work I will cover my feeling up and act busy. 

      Your description of decision making is me to a tea.

      I have made an appointment to see Gp in new year 7th Jan. 

      I do feel close friends are fed up with me because I am so negative. I then hate myself then start thinking is life worth living, or I think about stoping tablets and just see if I have any withdrawals. I just feel a mess at moment. When I do go out socially I do quite enjoy myself although I am not the life and soul of the party but I have never really been like that.

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    • Posted

      Here's hoping we both find some way to improve our situation in the New Year Diane.  I totally understand what you're saying about reading of other's issues on here.  There seem to be so many with serious problems causing their anxiety or depression and I too feel I don't have much to moan about in real terms,  so why can't I be happy and cheerful with my lot.  Makes me feel very guilty at times and that just adds to my dislike of myself.  I actually hear myself in my head saying oh stop bloody moaning and just get on with it, but I can't.  I have tried the 'get a grip' tactics on myself and I just end up feeling worse, usually retreating to bed with a crossword puzzle instead of housework etc.  

      I work from home a lot and on the days I do, I'm exactly the same as you, I sit around in old jogging bottoms, hair not brushed and freak out if the doorbell goes because I look such a shambles.  I realised several days ago that I hadnt been out of the house for two days so I hadn't even got dressed or had a shower.  I'm generally a clean and well dressed person, so that kind of laziness really upset me.  Good luck with your doctors appointment and do please let me know how you're getting on. xx

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    • Posted

      I will. I am out tomorrow night with old work colleagues this has was arranged about 3 months ago and at that time I was really up for it, but this week I told one of my friends I didn't' think I would be going as I really didn't feel like it. I have managed to make a decision to go and transport had been arranged to pick me up so I know I won't back out as I absolutly detest letting people down. I will probably have a good time once there.

      You have reassured me so much knowing I am not alone with my symptoms, but I also feel guilty knowing that I am not alone and that someone else is suffering who is also in a similar situation as regards to everyday life.

      I hope you make the appointment to see your GP we both deserve to be happy. Hopefully after this conversation I will be able to explain more clearly how I really feel about the situation although I think he is reading between the lines as for last 3 moths he has been asking to see me again every 4 weeks as he has been swapping my tablets.

      Good luck try and have a nice Christmas and hopefully the new year will bring more happiness in our lives. 

      Keep me informed as to how you go on it is good to talk.

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    • Posted

      Thank you Diane, I really hope you have an enjoyable evening out and maybe the sheer effort of getting ready etc., will give you a little stimulus.  Here's wishing you a calm and happy Christmas to recharge your batteries.  Good luck with the doctor. xx
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  • Posted

    Hey don't be hard on yourself.  Please don't feelembarrased about how you are feeling.  Of course it is not selfish or self pity.  Up to you whether you want to go back onto medication.  If you feel it would help, then go see a doctor and ask for medication.  Nothing to feel ashamed about.  Only you know whether you want to go onto anti depressants again.

    Why do yoyu think you are stupid?  Don't put yourself down. 

    Depression does make our moods flutuate, of course it does.  I think you are reading a lot into how you are feeling at the moment. 

    You sound depressed.  What do you want to do?  You sound like a lot of people with depressio9n in that you have low self esteem.  I have often felt like you do.  I am sure a lot of us here have.  No motivation, not liking ourselves, feeling we are worthless, etc.  Bless you.  Why do you think it is self pity and not depression.  Why shouldn't we feel sorry for ourselves because we have depression. 

    You sound as thought you are trying so hard to do the right thing, like not feeling worth bothering doctors because other people need them more.  I doubt this is true.  I bet there are a lot of people bothering doctors with a lot less reason to go than you.  Why not make that appointment.  Don't leave it until after Christmas.  Look after yourself, be kind to yourself.  You are not a fraud, but you need someone to care about you.  Start by caring about yourself.  You deserve it.

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  • Posted

    Diane no body that come here for help is being selfish, we are all here and all need help from each other on different matters. I am on venaflaxine too (for last 3 weeks ) and i have appetite, and thus have lost of 1 stone. I thought a previous job and relationship problems were my issue, but after a divorce and change of job i still suffer.

    Its likely to be stress related. And stress can be things happening now or even in the past that you have not put to bed so to speak

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