i'm beginning to wonder if i really do have depressuon. What do you think
Posted , 5 users are following.
Here is my story I am now middle aged, after my second child21 years agoI was diagnosed with post natal depression ending up in a psychiatric ward in order to really recover, I eventually returned to work as a district nurse, but found the stress to hard so I dropped my grade in order to cope. This worked really well and I got off medication. I did have a small relapse and had input from a CPN for a short while.
I remember being off medication for about 6or 7 years. I even got promotion at work. Eventually in 2006 there were a lot of changes due to government legislation at work and this caused anxiety and difficulty in coping. My Gp at this time put me back on fluoxetine, I had counselling through work and then referred to occupational psycologist . I was then prescribed clomipramine alongside fluoxetine.
I carried on working till 2011 still on same meds, but got to a stage where I wasn't coping, due to workload and conflict with relatives. Colleagues were great they had same role but they were not affected mentally like I was. I was off sick, for about 3 months.
2012 I managed to get voluntary redundancy with my full pension. I thought all my problems were over. I was advised by my Gp at that time now I was no longer working to try and get off tablets. Unfortunately she upt and left the practice which left me devastated. Iwasn't happy with the practice as they then didn't have a regular Gp, so I changed practices. I have now been seeing anther Dr for nearly 2 years who I like and have built up a repore with. i managed to getvoff the clomipramine, in july 2013, but then by sept i felt i was going down again. He referred me for CBT, which finished July this year. In sept I felt unwell so he changed meds from fluoxetine to mirtszapine this was difficult but managed with extra help of diazepam whilst going through transition. After 8 weeks he took me off mirt as my legs and feet were very swollen and all my muscles ached, and put me on Venlafaxine 75 MG's. This was increased last week to 150mgs after I phoned him up saying I wasn't sleeping and my appetite had deteriorated. I must admit he said he wanted to see me but as yet I haven't made appointment wanting to get Christmas over. (I am aware how busy drs are and there are others far worse than me eg cancer sufferers in pain) .
I feel such a fraud I have been married 31 years to a good man, I have 2 boys who have both got good careers in London police and RAF. ( they are no longer at home) I am financially secure I don't drink I have a good circle of friends. I should be really happy but I'm not. I don't look forward to events when I do go out I am very quiet and don't always join in i could quite happily stay in bed all day. I feel I should make more of an effort but I find it so hard to motivate myself. i could quite happily stay in bed all day, i do not feel bored, I have difficulty making decisions which really annoys my husband. I feel I am no good at anything, and no one really cares about me. I am the one who makes contact for coffee or enquires after them but this is never returned to me.
I feel so selfish at times, and think do I really need medication or should I just try stopping. Is this depression or just self pity. I used to think work was the problem but it is now 21/2 years since I finished.
Reading other peoples blogs makes me think I am being stupid and just need to get a grip. I have said to my Gp I have wondered if I have Münchhausen syndrome, or even bi polar cause my moods can fluctuate all though not to rxtreme.
Thanks for reading I know it is a long story but I don't feel I can tell friends and family due to embarrassment this is the only place as no one would know me on the street.
1 like, 8 replies
loxie Desperate_now
Posted
I just want to be 'normal', not Miss Perfect just normal. I feel angry sometimes that life should be such hard work for someone like me with these issues, I envy people with good mental health. I despise myself for being like this but because I'm like this, I have no inner resources to help myself out of it. I will try to buck up the courage to visit the doctor again after Christmas and see if I can be assertive enough to refuse SSRIs and ask for help in some other form. Good luck getting through the 'festive' season......it's a slog.
Desperate_now loxie
Posted
Your description of decision making is me to a tea.
I have made an appointment to see Gp in new year 7th Jan.
I do feel close friends are fed up with me because I am so negative. I then hate myself then start thinking is life worth living, or I think about stoping tablets and just see if I have any withdrawals. I just feel a mess at moment. When I do go out socially I do quite enjoy myself although I am not the life and soul of the party but I have never really been like that.
loxie Desperate_now
Posted
I work from home a lot and on the days I do, I'm exactly the same as you, I sit around in old jogging bottoms, hair not brushed and freak out if the doorbell goes because I look such a shambles. I realised several days ago that I hadnt been out of the house for two days so I hadn't even got dressed or had a shower. I'm generally a clean and well dressed person, so that kind of laziness really upset me. Good luck with your doctors appointment and do please let me know how you're getting on. xx
Desperate_now loxie
Posted
You have reassured me so much knowing I am not alone with my symptoms, but I also feel guilty knowing that I am not alone and that someone else is suffering who is also in a similar situation as regards to everyday life.
I hope you make the appointment to see your GP we both deserve to be happy. Hopefully after this conversation I will be able to explain more clearly how I really feel about the situation although I think he is reading between the lines as for last 3 moths he has been asking to see me again every 4 weeks as he has been swapping my tablets.
Good luck try and have a nice Christmas and hopefully the new year will bring more happiness in our lives.
Keep me informed as to how you go on it is good to talk.
loxie Desperate_now
Posted
anne240 Desperate_now
Posted
Why do yoyu think you are stupid? Don't put yourself down.
Depression does make our moods flutuate, of course it does. I think you are reading a lot into how you are feeling at the moment.
You sound depressed. What do you want to do? You sound like a lot of people with depressio9n in that you have low self esteem. I have often felt like you do. I am sure a lot of us here have. No motivation, not liking ourselves, feeling we are worthless, etc. Bless you. Why do you think it is self pity and not depression. Why shouldn't we feel sorry for ourselves because we have depression.
You sound as thought you are trying so hard to do the right thing, like not feeling worth bothering doctors because other people need them more. I doubt this is true. I bet there are a lot of people bothering doctors with a lot less reason to go than you. Why not make that appointment. Don't leave it until after Christmas. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. You are not a fraud, but you need someone to care about you. Start by caring about yourself. You deserve it.
UK-Ven-medicate Desperate_now
Posted
Its likely to be stress related. And stress can be things happening now or even in the past that you have not put to bed so to speak
UK-Ven-medicate Desperate_now
Posted