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Here is my story I am now middle aged, after my second child21 years agoI was diagnosed with post natal depression ending up in a psychiatric ward in order to really recover, I eventually returned to work as a district nurse, but found the stress to hard so I dropped my grade in order to cope. This worked really well and I got off medication. I did have a small relapse and had input from a CPN for a short while.
I remember being off medication for about 6or 7 years. I even got promotion at work. Eventually in 2006 there were a lot of changes due to government legislation at work and this caused anxiety and difficulty in coping. My Gp at this time put me back on fluoxetine, I had counselling through work and then referred to occupational psycologist . I was then prescribed clomipramine alongside fluoxetine.
I carried on working till 2011 still on same meds, but got to a stage where I wasn't coping, due to workload and conflict with relatives. Colleagues were great they had same role but they were not affected mentally like I was. I was off sick, for about 3 months.
2012 I managed to get voluntary redundancy with my full pension. I thought all my problems were over. I was advised by my Gp at that time now I was no longer working to try and get off tablets. Unfortunately she upt and left the practice which left me devastated. Iwasn't happy with the practice as they then didn't have a regular Gp, so I changed practices. I have now been seeing anther Dr for nearly 2 years who I like and have built up a repore with. i managed to getvoff the clomipramine, in july 2013, but then by sept i felt i was going down again. He referred me for CBT, which finished July this year. In sept I felt unwell so he changed meds from fluoxetine to mirtszapine this was difficult but managed with extra help of diazepam whilst going through transition. After 8 weeks he took me off mirt as my legs and feet were very swollen and all my muscles ached, and put me on Venlafaxine 75 MG's. This was increased last week to 150mgs after I phoned him up saying I wasn't sleeping and my appetite had deteriorated. I must admit he said he wanted to see me but as yet I haven't made appointment wanting to get Christmas over. (I am aware how busy drs are and there are others far worse than me eg cancer sufferers in pain) .
I feel such a fraud I have been married 31 years to a good man, I have 2 boys who have both got good careers in London police and RAF. ( they are no longer at home) I am financially secure I don't drink I have a good circle of friends. I should be really happy but I'm not. I don't look forward to events when I do go out I am very quiet and don't always join in i could quite happily stay in bed all day. I feel I should make more of an effort but I find it so hard to motivate myself. i could quite happily stay in bed all day, i do not feel bored, I have difficulty making decisions which really annoys my husband. I feel I am no good at anything, and no one really cares about me. I am the one who makes contact for coffee or enquires after them but this is never returned to me.
I feel so selfish at times, and think do I really need medication or should I just try stopping. Is this depression or just self pity. I used to think work was the problem but it is now 21/2 years since I finished.
Reading other peoples blogs makes me think I am being stupid and just need to get a grip. I have said to my Gp I have wondered if I have Münchhausen syndrome, or even bi polar cause my moods can fluctuate all though not to rxtreme.
Thanks for reading I know it is a long story but I don't feel I can tell friends and family due to embarrassment this is the only place as no one would know me on the street.
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