I'm depressed for as long as I remember, any help?

Posted , 3 users are following.

I'm a 24-year-old male.

Never have been with anyone. Not even the first kiss.

Never learn how to deal with my father's death or anyone that has died around me. Sister, Uncles, aunts, grandparents, friends, cousins, and my talents

Never had a relationship

Never been published

I'm working but somehow the harder I work the harder it gets to save money for college

I'm the first child and my brother is in the university but I got my high school diploma one semester before him. He is 18

I never had a father figure. I like to have a family. Having Kids is one of my dreams which it looks impossible to me right now.

Have two failed suicides. Don't have the balls to do it again. Want to live but I have lost the thread of life. I'm depressed in any way possible.

From childhood it was my dream to become a writer but I'm a waiter in a restaurant. Cliche! I have friends but I can't talk to anyone. Every girl I have ever been interested in has rejected me. Don't know how to drive. No skills just things that these days can't make money with it. Never had the taste of real happiness. Every single time I have something that feels like happiness at the end of the night it turns to my worst nightmare. I left my country to find my home but never find it. Now I'm stuck in a country I don't like without anything or anyone. I feel that I'm ugly. I'm fat. Even though i hike i just lose weight but I'm still fat. I was 115kg now 75 but still fat!? How?!

The only thing I want is to go to university to hone my craft of writing. Which is like reaching for the stars with all the money I send to my mother. I'm living but it's like I'm not alive.

Have lost anyone except my mother and brother which they have been good to me but can't do anything for me. I speak four languages but I don't have anyone to talk to. I know how to write I have all these ideas but I have a writer's block as big as the Great Wall of China.

My imagination is my greatest tool but has become my greatest enemy cuz all the time i think about the past and how it could have turned out to be better or even worse.

Every single person I like has married and having their first child but I don't even have anything to show myself. People say i'm going up getting better but when I look it's like I'm falling.

All these things aside, the funny thing is that I'm a liar. Lying comes easier to me than breathing. I lie to all the people that I know. I'm like a broken glass that from outside seems to be perfect. Can you believe that I'm the jokester in every place.from work to every place I go. I can make people laugh but haven't heard my own real laugh in really long time.

When people are feeling down I'm the one that cheers them, I'm like a clown that only puts a smile on his face so others won't see the real him. I'm not scared to show the real me to people. Cuz I'm straight. I say the things that people sometimes afraid to tell others.

Every time I have tried to tell someone people have laughed at me so now cuz of the society I have built up a big wall around myself and won't show to anyone who really I am.

Other thing is that I only like people that right now even if they would be crazy they will reject me or respectfully decline my affection. I have tried and failed too many times.

I have brought my expectations to the lowest but still no chance!

There is more but honestly I don't think that anyone would care so I have just given up. I'm just living day by day to see what will really happen. I don't believe in any religion or higher powers even though I know it exist or at least I believe in the power of the universe.

I have done everything and still I'm unsuccessful in any aspect of my life. So I have gone into a mode that I just don't give a f*ck any more. This is my last time reaching out and if no one give a f&ck.

I wouldn't do anything anymore and just go until my feet give up or my time comes. Bcuz seriously I can't take anymore down falls.

P.s: I feel like a bipolar, I have survivor's guilt. I'm Depressed. I have insomnia. I have a great mind and my IQ is high so search and search. Read watch and learn. If you see me in a social media you would say I'm one of the happiest people but....

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Don't worry you are not alone. I'm 24 too but I'm a female and I've never been kissed but I don't find it bad though. Especially nowadays lol. I think it's for the best. Everyone our age either have kids or are partying or both. I suffer from insomnia too but it's because I'm just thinking and thinking and I can't sleep. I've attempted twice two and I'm still here. I still think about doing it and this time making sure I do it right so I won't end up in the hospital again. Don't give up you will find someone. Good thing is you can at least talk to others. Means you have a good chance. People do care. I care don't do it you will regret it. What if your soulmate is out there.? Don't quit. Stand back up and keep trying be positive you will be happy. smile

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    • Posted

      I try to be positive but every time something happens that makes me feel unhappy. So I started to develop a mood where I'm always neutral. Like if I be happy it would cause a reverse.

      As for soulmates I don't believe it anymore. Even though I'm a romantic guy but a lot of failed attempts has made me to lose faith.

      I try to be happy but at this point I'm just going further without any hope.

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    • Posted

      Evertime something goes wrong or I doubt myself I get depressed. Ignore the negativity and focus on the positivity. If you dont have it feed your mind with positive thoughts. smile "Don't lose Hope you will find someone." That person is out there waiting for you. You just haven't crossed paths with her yet. Soul Mates must often go through many challenges before they can find each other."smile

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  • Posted

    I can sympathize with you entirely. I wish I could offer you more support / help than just my sympathy. 
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